tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16035833145040937942024-03-21T22:21:40.663+00:00Blog Onjenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.comBlogger110125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-70559317660474469562012-09-18T14:51:00.000+01:002012-09-18T14:51:10.377+01:00Consumed<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-40863475432017259582012-08-20T12:54:00.000+01:002012-08-20T13:00:43.871+01:00The post that just ISMy boyfriend, my best friend, my love; he said it right, "well why change the habit of a lifetime of underachieving?"<br />
<br />
It was in reference to the pass percentage I scored on my online TEFL course. I got a merit (that was between 80 and 85%) but I complained to him saying, "Oh, I didn't realise it was graded! ... I could have got a distinction." That was above 85%. And it should have been easy enough for me to do. But like all things I've ever committed to or studied, I got to a point where I was beyond caring about getting every little mark and just wanted to complete the damn thing. Get it done. Move on. Make a cup of tea. Next!<br />
<br />
And that's what's dawned on me now, that I can feel like this... IN LIFE >>IN YOGA. I can sense this <i>past the point of caring</i>. And with that comes this depressing realisation of my underachievement.<br />
<br />
Underachievement in my work,<br />
underachievement in my relationships,<br />
...underachievement on my yoga mat.<br />
<br />
Maybe I'm being hard on myself. It a struggle not to succumb to the odd self-deprocating thought that creeps in...but part of me, the largest part of me *knows* it's actually true that I could (and maybe some people think I should) be achieving more. Doing more. Focussing my energy. Yet I see that's almost impossible amidst all the foggy confusion clouding my mind.<br />
<br />
I'm grateful to my beau for saying these words (which he absolutely did not mean but rang totally true). Because this means that I can move on from this feeling; now, with greater clarity and self-awareness I can begin to be<b> proud</b> of my achievements and the way I live. I may not be up to much on the surface of things but the the rippling activity of my days are full of joy and many lessons. Almost like I'm learning to live again.<br />
<br />
Everyday I roll out my yoga mat; just like I wake and I practice life.<br />
<br />
<u>I'm not giving up or rushing or waiting for the end! </u><br />
<br />
Life, like yoga is without merit or distinction. You just do.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/kQu-KTydtqI" width="420"></iframe>jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-43243560834420086892012-08-03T14:12:00.000+01:002012-08-03T14:20:21.343+01:00From here to hereLife is a constant flux of learning.<br />
<br />
Lessons.<br />
<br />
Some, I've documented here. Most, I've felt and then become.<br />
<br />
Life keeps moving.<br />
<br />
I observe.<br />
<br />
Moving from here to here.<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller</span></div>
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<br />jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-3406260847520008822012-07-04T12:22:00.003+01:002012-07-04T16:09:34.437+01:00Stop having faith in SomethingIn my last post I mentioned faith. I think I've mentioned having faith <i>many</i> times on this blog. But what I've come to realize is that I need to stop having faith in Something and instead have faith in <u>Myself</u>. This applies to having faith in yoga too. Yoga alone isn't going to fix me and make me the 'perfect' person...or the person I aspire to become. My choices to improve myself will help me to make this experience of Life better and yoga <i>is</i> part of that, even a facilitator to it but ultimately, the change will sprout from me.<br />
<br />
It's only natural in uncertain times or during feelings of insecurity to ask for support or help. In a crisis when I was younger, I remember my mum praying to God for help. As an adult myself now, I'm likely to do the same in some form. And whenever I make Big decisions (life changing decisions) I want to seek out approval and for everyone to support me in my quest.<br />
<br />
I should know by now that your expectations of people can not always live up to the ones you may have built in your imagination. Sometimes, the very people you think would want the best for you, actually seem to make things more difficult.<br />
That's exactly when you have to believe in yourself.<br />
<br />
Have faith in more than Something.<br />
<span style="background-color: white;">Have faith in you.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">That is the test.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-75944297740960603232012-04-20T17:23:00.001+01:002012-04-21T11:28:20.956+01:00Fuck Yoga!Believe me, I've questioned it many <i>many </i>times. Like, why bother? To list a few of the 'negatives' of Mysore-style Ashtanga yoga; early mornings, achey body, injury, tiredness, unleashed emotion(!)... Loss of your social life(!!) loss of friends(!!) loss of who you once were(?!!) ...<br />
<br />
Returning to practice after being in bed with tonsillitis made me think about my motivation to get up and go to yoga six mornings a week...<br />
<ol>
<li>It's a time that I devote to something greater than myself. I have a spiritual practice, more than just an asana practice. </li>
<li>There's a whole bunch of people that I practice with whom I cherish. Great, fun, intelligent and inspiring people. I'm blessed to know them.</li>
<li>It makes my body more healthy. I believe I'm doing something good for myself and if I feel better, I'm more likely to be a more valuable asset to others.</li>
<li><u>It focusses my mind</u>. It really does.</li>
<li>I have<b> faith</b> in this practice. </li>
</ol>
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I guess, you've<i> got</i> to have faith. Blind faith really. You can read/listen to other peoples' experiences but in the end, you have to believe in it yourself.</div>jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-728603620845725952012-04-14T15:09:00.001+01:002012-04-14T15:09:08.760+01:00List of Joy<br />
<ul>
<li>watching people smiling alone in public...either looking at their mobile phones or just listening to their thoughts. Even better, seeing people laughing to themselves</li>
<li>a really great film or TV show that makes me think/question out of my experience/connects to my experience</li>
<li>content sleeping babies</li>
<li>finding new AMAZING music -voices, lyrics...beats!</li>
<li><u>my boyfriend - you make me forget myself </u> and all the other lovely friends and family I'm blessed to know</li>
<li>DANCING</li>
<li>writing when the words just flow<i> tap tap tap</i></li>
<li>blue skies and bluebells in April</li>
<li>Buster and Poppy and all my animal companions</li>
<li>singing ...and being told I can hold a note ;)</li>
<li>feeling the warmth of sunlight on my face</li>
<li>crunchy juicy apples</li>
<li>giggling so much it hurts</li>
<li>broad northern accents </li>
<li><b>lists</b></li>
<li>looking back at all the moments/places/times I've felt such <i>pure </i>joy and looking forward to more of those</li>
</ul>jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-77918719053306835172012-04-07T10:51:00.001+01:002012-04-07T10:51:42.267+01:00Downward dog in ParisI really don't know where to start this post... I guess, by saying (admitting) that practicing in Paris was really challenging for me... on both a physical and emotional level.<br />
<br />
So to give a little background, I've got a sore shoulder and hamstring which meant I'd not done my full practice for a couple of weeks before practicing in Paris. The hamstring issue is reoccurring but my painful shoulder is a new injury. I've been working on strength, maybe I over-did it? Or maybe it's just a culmination of shoulder stress and finally when it did go <i>crack</i> enough was enough and I was forced to slow down. Who knows...<br />
<br />
The teacher in Paris identified that I needed to work on strength in practice and that my flexibility was actually a hindrance and that by practicing the way I do, I'm damaging myself. She told me that if she was my teacher she would have me only practice primary and make that solid before learning any second. She also said that after a year and a half of <b>daily practice</b> it was WAY too soon to learn second. She said she could see I wasn't engaging bandhas which acted as the brakes to protect myself from going too far in postures. She came from the prospective of staying safe in asana rather than experiencing uncomfortable places.<br />
<br />
She told me my Chaturanga looked like an insect.<br />
<br />
I'll leave it there, you get the impression, I hope. My practice was dissected. My attachment to my practice too.<br />
<br />
So now I'm confused. I guess I'll talk to my teacher and gather her opinion.<br />
<br />
All really hard shit to hear. But maybe someone had to say it...jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-37444765526562244072012-03-02T11:33:00.000+00:002012-03-02T12:17:51.296+00:00MIAMI (more)Kino prescribed me 10 push ups each afternoon to help gain strength. This after I moaned, "I'm so weak." *sad face*<br />
<br />
<i>Well do something about that then.</i><br />
<br />
Makes sense.<br />
<br />
But I never thought of doing extra to complement my practice. *light bulb ping*<br />
<br />
And what else have I been (secretly) moaning about? I hate to say it (and be a typical woman)...but the extra pounds I've been chugging around lately (for the past few years). Too much creamy milk and sweet treats I think. So, I'm taking the reins there too. I need to be responsible for myself...I don't need <i>so</i> many calories.<br />
<br />
Something that was discussed last week (I'm trying to scramble through it all and pick out the most prominent) was the importance of choosing your teacher and <b>sticking with them</b>. Placing trust in them, despite the ups and downs of practice on and off the mat and despite your (perhaps) fluctuating feelings towards them too. Knowing that that is all part of the process. This is learning to have faith in a teacher and letting go, surrendering to yoga. I recall, feeling blessed to have stumbled upon my teacher (and shala) in London by sheer luck or fate and for the cherished relationship I have with her. <br />
Kino went on to discuss students becoming teachers when at some stage in their practice they were able to shine their own torch to guide others in the practice...which I guess is where I am now, covering classes. Though, I hardly feel worthy...just profoundly honored.<br />
<br />
Tim told me on the first day, "So it's not flexibility that you need to work on, it's strength." Yes, I'm a very fortunate lady to have a naturally bendy body... I know now, I have to really work on gaining strength. In life too. With my boyfriend away for the beginning of March, it's my chance to check in with myself and access the woman inside who IS strong. I need to <b>believe</b> that too.<br />
<br />
Tim (all knowingly) also commented, "It's your <b>fear</b> that holds you back in asana, your body is ready, your mind is holding you back." <br />
<br />
<b>Truth</b>. <br />
<br />
Time to be more bold, more here, in <i>this moment</i>. Let me remember what I learned on Vipassana...oh, they were good lessons.<br />
<br />
The final reminder from Miami, that I want to mention was that it's all practice whatever it looks like. Advanced or Primary series, it's all yoga...and neither is better or worse. I guess it's hard not to place value on what it looks like but you could have an advanced practice one day and then with the onset of an injury lose all that, does that mean that you don't have a great practice still?! No because, yoga is more than just the physical...as Sharath said at his conference in London last year, <i>Asana is the foundation to a spiritual practice.</i> <br />
<br />
I thank <i>God</i> everyday that I am able to learn this beautiful practice. Miami strengthened my love for the practice as it strengthened my love of life too.<br />
<br />
And finally, more Florence. It really is a great album.<br />
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<br />jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-70430439009549895872012-02-26T17:33:00.000+00:002012-02-27T13:16:23.530+00:00MIAMII remember thinking at some point, <i>ahhh this is why people go on yoga retreats</i>...<br />
<br />
Before leaving for my first trip to America, I was honestly pretty down about my yoga practice. I'd been working <b>hard</b> man, getting up at (precisely) 4.17am to get onto my mat early enough only to practice a little more than half primary and my second series postures. I guess it was no wonder I was getting miserable when after that I was speeding off to work like the thousands of others in London rammed onto tubes, racing to get to work get there no more than a little late...returning 'home' spent and exhausted from the energetic chaos of a school day.<br />
<br />
I want to write about what I learned in Miami and share how I felt too. <br />
<br />
It wasn't all blissful sunshine, I came close to tears too. <b>Finally</b>, I've cried twice since returning. Once when I walking into the taxi door, whacking my head, that was a sweet (short) albeit painful release of pent up emotion then again, I whelled up talking to my boyfriend and the tears came on my bike ride home from his...listening to Florence and the Machine I can feel the pangs of pain again. I can't really say I'm happy to be home...I could have easily stayed in Miami, ideally always practicing at the Life Centre with those great teachers. Not that I am not grateful of my awesome teacher here and my shala community. Just that that place, those teachers, made me look at London with new eyes... I guess I love (and miss) the sunshine, the heat, the newness of everything, the excitement of walking into American supermarkets ;)<br />
<br />
So here goes, what did I learn (in yoga)? I learned I was being pretty lazy...Kino (McGregor) and Tim (Feldmann) were quick to spot I wasn't ever really using my bandhas (umm, at all). That pretty much transformed the whole thing when I gave more awareness to the internal aspect of the practice. Tim also told me I should work on lifting my lower ribs, especially in postures such as Ustrasana and Kapotasana. That totally makes sense. Practice was INTENSE. Sweat was pouring out of me everyday...my yoga towel was rank. Tim told me I should do my whole practice, so all of primary + second...I was first to start and last to finish. It was a long haul but one that seemed shorter by the end of the week and it made me realize that I DO need to do the whole thing if I really want to get stronger and there are so many postures in primary that still need work (like ALL of them!). Huge thanks to Tim and Kino for instilling fresh inspiration and for pushing me so hard in postures...taking me to painful places in order to feel comfort and acceptance there...<br />
<br />
Kino talked about yoga students coming to a pinnacle point in their practice where they realize that there is no escaping pain/suffering. I think that's when I found my daily practice: this, I have understood for a while. She said that the difference between yoga and psychotherapy is that yoga does not question <i>why</i>, it just accepts. There is no end to suffering...and in terms of the practice, maybe there will <b>never</b> be a day when it's not uncomfortable somewhere somehow in some posture or other...and in life, maybe there will <b>never</b> be a day where you're not scratching at mosquito bites, rubbing your tongue along your burnt mouth, having nosebleeds, too hot/cold, hungry/too full, physically sore (to name the few I suffer from at the lower end of the pain spectrum)...the list goes on. Tim took me to that painful place in Baddha Konasana and asked me to stay there. "How do you feel?" he asked. "Like my hips are going to rip apart," I said...when really what I wish I had the courage to say in that moment was, "Like crying." Huge sadness emerged in me...frustration and anger in lesser proportions BUT by the end of the week masses of LOVE too. I arrived in Miami in love but left more in love than I've ever felt. Stronger, more focussed and more willing to take control of my life too...<br />
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To be continued.jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-10480879020468132152012-02-15T18:38:00.000+00:002012-02-15T18:56:55.845+00:00Sleeping in BracketsTick. <br />
<br />
Write. <br />
<br />
Listen to the murmurs of my mind and share the commotion. <br />
<br />
Hold tight.<br />
<br />
I'm at home in your arms. Softly, humbly, affectionately...i curl up next to you. <br />
<br />
<b>So</b> much up in the air, you say. I know. You know, i know. Don't worry about it now, you say. Put it in perspective, you say. How can we make you feel better, you say.<br />
<br />
I quit my full-time teaching position (again). I'm (we're) looking for a place to live (again). I'm wondering what it is I want from life (again). I (already) have everything I need. Have faith, i hear myself pray...things WILL work out. El Universo will provide (remember).<br />
<br />
(Funny), I've never wanted to leave the yoga room more so than this morning. Can I just go now? I've had enough. Sack this. What's the point anyway?!... I'm here (suffering) so I can appreciate life out there better(!)...give me food, shelter, comfort, why do I need this (pain)? <br />
<br />
Put it all in brackets. It (life) is changing (again). Life in brackets. Sleeping in brackets. (Home).jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-38797966307825662792012-01-23T21:31:00.001+00:002012-01-23T21:31:57.120+00:00Who we areI remember as a child I wanted to be called Jessica. And so, practicing writing my name, I started to write Jessica.<br />
<br />
Jessica<br />
Jessica<br />
Jessica<br />
<br />
Maybe, if I wrote it enough times, I would actually become Jessica and lose my Jennifer identity?! Unfortunately, my birth name kind of stuck.<br />
<br />
As a teen, I recall my mum criticising/mocking me for not knowing who I was. My style changed so often. I didn't know if I was any of the labels kids were given then. I didn't really know my preferences. I guess my main influences have always been my friends. I see that I've been highly influenced. And it doesn't end in my past. Now, as the person I've grown into, I see that I've been moulded by a lifestyle/environment/choices influenced by others. But who am I beneath all this? <br />
<br />
Beneath all the external influence what is it that I am? Who is Jennifer? Maybe I'm different to everyone who comes into contact with me? Maybe I'm different even to me? Maybe this internal narrator changes too!<br />
<br />
So is it when you take away all this external/internal shit, we're all just the same chemical compounds? No me, you, I. Only we. <br />
<br />
That would have been easier name to practice.<br />
<br />
We<br />
We<br />
We<br />
<br />
But maybe a bit WEird.jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-88463097983688091172012-01-21T19:07:00.001+00:002012-01-21T19:07:20.833+00:00A FlameA little bit of anger,<br />
The fuel for the fire.<br />
A frustration, <br />
A spark.<br />
Then a flame,<br />
The fire crackles.<br />
Things get going,<br />
Everything heats up. <br />
The fire glows.<br />
Energetic and strong.jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-21513507879002586752012-01-18T11:16:00.001+00:002012-01-24T19:31:24.863+00:00The realising moments.There are moments,<br />
Sometimes longer than moments.<br />
An evening.<br />
A morning.<br />
A time. Any time.<br />
When you make a big realisation.<br />
Some birth of thought or reason.<br />
They can be scary.<br />
And joyful.<br />
We change.<br />
We renew.<br />
We grow.<br />
Like children, we transpire.<br />
Everyday someone new.jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-40772403521671523212011-12-24T13:59:00.000+00:002011-12-30T13:14:43.118+00:00Christmas TimeIt's the season to take stock and reflect. <br />
<br />
It's the season to rest. <br />
<br />
It's the season to love and cherish. <br />
<br />
It's the season to be compassionate.<br />
<br />
It's the season to be creative.<br />
<br />
So many words have gone unwritten over the past month. Oodles of ideas and thoughts have gone untyped. But that's okay...I'll start from here.<br />
<br />
In Blackburn, sat in my Father's chair, using his laptop, the clock ticks, my fingers tap tap and the dog sighs. It's Christmas Eve. My past is all about, it smiles at me and haunts my dreams too. Old samskaras awaken. I'm glad to sit and practice my yogic values off the mat. My body doesn't ache. It is relieved. It sighs deeply too.<br />
<br />
Christmas Day now. The clock bashes still. <br />
<br />
How will you spend this day? <br />
<br />
How will you show more love?<br />
<br />
How will you make this Christmas Time even more magical?<br />
<br />
Give thanks and praise to <i>God</i>.<br />
<br />
<b>This, we have been given the gift to choose</b>...jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-28760947446832664292011-11-19T11:58:00.001+00:002011-11-19T12:27:53.966+00:00No Yin. No Yang.If every day was sunny, we'd surely complain?<br />
<br />
It's the crappy days that make us appreciate those days that just bloomin' perfect...and almost MAGICAL. Moments of bliss teased out throughout a day of laughter, warmth, comfort...LOVE. On the contrary, the not-so-great days are grim, empty, void and can make us question our entire existence in their extreme.<br />
<br />
Post a very short primary practice this morning, life is beautiful. The sun penetrates the carriage of the train and glistens on the metallic surfaces of tall towers that poke from the urban landscape. But the day before, on placement at a school in ever-so-dismal Dagenham, I wondered WHY was I here doing this? Why was I wishing time away? Wasting time. Ughhhh, wasting ENERGY. Both of which, are so so precious. I told my boyfriend at the end of the day that maybe everyone has days like this and it's 'normal'. Without the darkness we wouldn't know the light. <br />
<br />
Change is in the midst. I just know.<br />
<br />
(Brief) moments of discontentment can be just as enlightening as moments of joy.jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-49578404436693918262011-11-13T13:44:00.001+00:002011-11-13T16:29:47.266+00:00This is Living.Happier every moment I'm more aware.<br />
Stronger every time I try.<br />
More loving every time I breathe in.<br />
More prepared every time I breathe out.<br />
<br />jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-50616161277517578462011-11-02T15:42:00.000+00:002011-11-02T15:42:26.346+00:00Having the Couragecourage |ˈkʌrɪdʒ|<br />
noun<br />
the ability to do something that frightens one : she called on all her courage to face the ordeal.<br />
• strength in the face of pain or grief : he fought his illness with great courage<br />
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ORIGIN Middle English (denoting the heart, as the seat of feelings): from Old French corage, from Latin cor ‘heart.’<br />
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To be truly courageous, you have to be prepared to work hard I think; to have patience and persistence. You have to persevere through all the frustration, worry, angst, FEAR. Some pretty uncomfortable times are inevitable. You have to trust the choices you make. Like giving up my job. That was a pretty big decision and one that I celebrated. I had to have faith that I'd be able to make money to survive no matter what. I'm alive and happy! I had to take a risk. <br />
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In life, we have to push our boundaries to move forward, for change. We have to keep widening our experience. We have to have courage. We have to listen to our hearts and explore the possibilities. In doing so, we can only get stronger.<br />
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<br />jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-4085291990208684472011-10-24T10:50:00.000+01:002011-10-24T11:13:52.821+01:00Space for meAutumn fell suddenly. The leaves now shroud the ground. The sun dances between the spaces of the trees and dazzles my eyes.<br />
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My days have been busy. Long. Social. Full of fun. Though, I'm happy to be going away tomorrow to sit a 3 day Vipassana. I need this space for me. To grow. To re-connect with silence. To re-connect with where I am and how I feel. To re-connect with me.<br />
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Space for me is space for change, space for a new season, space to pursue.<br />
<br />jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-62845938743978981972011-10-09T14:01:00.000+01:002011-10-09T17:42:13.226+01:00It's not all doom and gloomA friend commented the other day that he had started to read my blog and that he thought it was <i>depressing.</i><br />
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Maybe that's partly true. I struggle to read back anything that I've ever written on here. Part of that is because I'm a perfectionist and I'm never fully satisfied with my writing and part of that is because it upsets me. My words are heartfelt and honest, sometimes it's hard to look back on my anxieties and frustrations without feeling sorry for myself (or myself back then). I SO want to move away from feeling sorry for myself. I certainly don't want anyone else to pity me either. So, I don't look back. I focus on what's ahead. Live and learn.<br />
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But hey, it's not all doom and gloom. I promise.<br />
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jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-70691149333573953822011-10-05T11:27:00.001+01:002011-10-05T11:45:59.443+01:00"He doesn't want to hold my hand."Yesterday, I was sent to a nursery in Essex. <br />
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Observing a 3-4 year old little girl obsessionally follow around a boy wanting to hold his hand resounded with me. She moaned, "He doesn't want to hold my hand." I said, "Maybe he doesn't want to hold your hand." I asked the coy looking boy and he shook his head. I could see he was desperate to escape her advances but he was being tolerant of her persistence. I joked on my Facebook status: Story. Of. My. Life. This morning after practice, my friend asked "And how did you feel when you saw her doing that." I said, "Empathy." She said, "And did you not wonder why she was doing that?"<br />
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Why? We perfectly good women put our eggs in one basket? Investing our invaluable energy into one man who doesn't love us like we HOPE <i>one day</i> they might. All the while, they fly free, happy, content, eating their cake...smothered in love.<br />
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I've grown up from that little girl. <br />
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It's time to change that self-destructive path I understand now...now I'm 26!jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-7325527685336254862011-09-27T08:01:00.000+01:002011-09-27T08:01:22.009+01:00Bicycle LightsI'm cycling into the darkness<br />
Into a black abyss<br />
I don't know what's ahead.<br />
But I can sort of imagine what's down there<br />
What's coming up.<br />
I grip on, sit tight and give into the ride<br />
I breathe deeply through the fear.<br />
Up, down, up, down, round<br />
Over twigs and cracks in the surface.<br />
Two tiny red dots I can see in the distance<br />
I'll follow those faithfully.jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-5171475419769780352011-09-16T13:20:00.000+01:002011-09-16T13:20:15.751+01:00Getting on my nerves...Fear. It's what holds us back. Fear says, "No." Fear puts it's hands around your throat and stops you from breathing. Fear wakes you up in the night. Fear fogs your vision.<br />
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Fear of death, fear of injury, fear of disease, fear of loneliness, fear for loved ones... fear of living. Fear is a NERVOUS feeling.<br />
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I read somewhere that Ashtanga yoga activates the sympathetic nervous system (maybe this was someone's opinion rather than fact. But isn't that always the case...I digress. It was stated). <br />
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The sympathetic nervous system responds to stress by making your heart beat faster, raising blood pressure, constricting blood flow, decreasing digestive activity and generally prepares the body for <i>fight or flight</i>. It's a basic/innate SURVIVAL response. I can think of times during my practice where my heart is racing... I can think of times when I have felt afraid too. Learning to trust my body and having faith in myself is a lifelong process. So maybe I agree with the statement that I read to an extent. Maybe, though, maybe Ashtanga yoga builds up strength and resistance to Fear. As you do experience it through practice you begin to overcome Fear daily. Then slowly, slowly, in life it becomes easier to overcome too...and slowly, slowly, you become more liberated. More at ease with the world and yourself as you are gradually unleashed from the grip of Fear. Suddenly, you can do that posture too! Suddenly, all is possible...well, ish with time, patience and persistence. With practice.<br />
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Conversely, the parasympathetic nervous system, known as the "rest and digest" system, nourishes, heals and restores the body - counteracting the stress response. I can certainly say that my yoga practice stimulates this system too. Since practicing second series, I think I have become much more calm actually...but perhaps this coincides with resigning from my job and there is a correlation there too! Perhaps it is just the length of time doing a continuous practice, rather than the different postures. <br />
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Perhaps Ashtanga yoga activates both sympathetic and para-sympathetic nervous systems then. Perhaps, as in life it's beneficial to experience a certain level of Fear for self-preservation but slowly, slowly, over time, Fear gives way to STRENGTH and FAITH: the para-sympathetic system becomes more dominant in the body. Hence, we become more resilient to any given situation that is thrown at us (on and off our yoga mat) and equanimity precedes.<br />
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jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-58928992113847453432011-09-10T17:40:00.000+01:002011-09-10T21:23:44.021+01:00Lemmings I vaguely remember as a kid playing the computer game, Lemmings. An internet search just now has shown me that lemmings are actually a kind of rodent...well you learn something new everyday! Over the past couple of weeks I seem to have been reminded numerous times how fragile life is and how easily, just like lemmings we can fall to our death. <br />
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On the first day of the Sharath workshop we had to travel by car to arrive in good time...it being Sunday and trains not running as early as weekdays. It turned out we took a few wrong turnings (oops!) and we were held up at a motorcycle accident on the way. So, in the end, we arrived just on time...we arrived. I suppose I've seen car accidents from a distance before but for the first time I saw somebody who had somehow fallen from their motorbike and was now laying in the middle of the road as we drove painfully right past. Paramedics and the police surrounded the scene and we could only hope that the person was okay. <br />
Then last week, walking down a busy road, my friend and I heard such an incredible and intrusive THUMP. We darted around to see that a car had just hit a man on his bicycle. The first thing that I saw was the bike in the road. I just knew what had happened. In that moment everything just seemed to stop and all I could say was, "Oh, God." We had just crossed the same road where the man had been hit and now he was on top of the shattered windscreen of the car. A police car must not have been far behind as it was seconds before they came. There was nothing we or anybody else could do. The man seemed to be moving at least. <br />
Finally, have you seen the film One Day? I don't want to ruin the plot for people who've not seen the movie or read the novel but let's say that I was shocked by the storyline. It left me feeling quite sad actually. It left me feeling like we waste SO much time living badly (or not really living at all!) and we waste so much energy in disputes, worrying, being afraid, not saying how we truly feel, etc.<br />
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Out and about in the hustle and bustle of the city there are so many people, so many cars, trains, tubes, bikes, planes... There ARE accidents. Sometimes we collide, people are injured and killed. Sometimes technology fails us and something goes wrong and there is a disaster. Worse, sometimes fellow humans INTEND there to be disaster to destroy and disrupt us. Sometimes, it's no ones fault. And sometimes, it's no ones fault but our own. I've lost count of the number of times I've heard the announcement of a train disruption as being the fault of somebody UNDER the train or ON the line.<br />
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When I was 21 years old, I lost a close friend. She died after being hit by a taxi. I wasn't there at the time but some other friends were. I remember the phone call to tell me she was in intensive care and that it didn't look good. I just knew that there must have been something seriously wrong when I saw the missed call from this particular friend. I rang back straight away, walking home after my yoga class. I was numb, I didn't know what I felt. I remained numb until I saw her coffin at the funeral and I broke down in uncontrollable tears. Suddenly, it hit me what had happened. She had gone and wouldn't live anymore. Whilst my friends and I graduated, got jobs, lived our lives, she would not. Her life was frozen at 20. She wouldn't even turn 21. Two months later and my uncle died and at his funeral I had a similar emotional experience. I was a wreck, my heart still grieving my friend. I couldn't cope with another loss. Another shake from Death. Then in the following years there have been more. Each time, I seem to turn away. I know I shouldn't. It's part of life. Life equals Death. We are helpless. We are at the mercy of something greater -call that whatever. We are powerless. We don't have control of the joystick. <br />
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It reminds me to be even more grateful. Every siren, every bit of news, every story of loss are all reminders to be glad to be alive and healthy. Glad to have more chances. Glad to have opportunity. Glad to have the people I love in my life and glad that I am here to love them back. <br />
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In this way, Death teaches us. I'm glad of that too.jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-68516784150897985042011-09-08T17:33:00.000+01:002011-09-10T17:48:12.964+01:00Have your cake and EAT IT<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRp7cbng3vJdwxmqidqt-sZeW5HS237MXDDNEP1RhhmpFOl0y5Bhv34dLjt7iK4g1bQXM3G6EtmbJ5GiNYbq2W_D1h5RCWSaXn6jNAUIozAmHc4n8Pq6w0hVRTn3YuvW__OQaaDrfLkcM/s1600/image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRp7cbng3vJdwxmqidqt-sZeW5HS237MXDDNEP1RhhmpFOl0y5Bhv34dLjt7iK4g1bQXM3G6EtmbJ5GiNYbq2W_D1h5RCWSaXn6jNAUIozAmHc4n8Pq6w0hVRTn3YuvW__OQaaDrfLkcM/s400/image.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<b>Banana dairy, egg, gluten, nut and wheat free sponge </b> <br />
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You'll need TWO of these. <br />
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Oven: 190 degrees C or Fan 170 <br />
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125g Sugar 6 tsp sunflower oil (I actually used olive oil!)<br />
Approx 1bsp Vanilla extract <br />
1/2 ripe banana (or 1 whole small banana) <br />
150g Gluten free self raising flour (I used Doves Farm -where you may find this sponge recipe!) <br />
Approx 4tbsp water 1tbsp oil <br />
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1. Lightly oil or use greaseproof paper to line a 18cm/7inch cake tin. I used liner! <br />
2. In a bowl (or a pan!) beat together the sugar, oil and vanilla. <br />
3. Peel and mash the banana into the mixture. <br />
4. Add the flour and water and mix well. <br />
5. Plop the mixture into your cake tin and smooth over the top. <br />
6. Bake in a preheated oven for 35minutes. <br />
7. Turn your cake out and leave to cool. <br />
8. Start again and bake your second layer of sponge <br />
9. Once the first cake is cool, it's ready to smother in vanilla buttercream. <br />
10. Once the second cake is cool, it's ready to smother in date syrup <br />
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<b>Vanilla buttercream</b> <br />
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2oz Butter (I used goats butter) <br />
4oz Whitworths icing sugar <br />
Big splash of vanilla extract <br />
1-2tbsp warm water <br />
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1. Cream the butter until soft <br />
2. Gradually mix in the icing sugar <br />
3. Add the water and vanilla extract <br />
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<b>Date syrup </b> <br />
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A LOT of dried dates <br />
Some water <br />
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1. Finely chop the dates <br />
2. Heat with water on low and mix until a jam consistency. <br />
3. Leave to cool a bit before putting on cake <br />
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When both cakes are done, carefully put one on top of the other...dust with icing sugar and EAT!! jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1603583314504093794.post-16009704303418478712011-08-26T18:03:00.006+01:002011-08-26T18:41:55.642+01:00Sharath this weekWhat did I learn?
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<br />1. I have an overwhelming desire to practice in Mysore
<br />2. There's nothing more SACRED than my friends/mat buddies/teachers and family for which, I'm so grateful
<br />3. I can achieve more than I thought on my own -thanks to the support, guidance and LOVE from the above
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<br />And last but not least, something always worth remembering...
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<br />4. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Asana is the foundation to a spiritual practice</span>
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<br />jenroyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15454313570764584786noreply@blogger.com1