Consumed

The post that just IS

My boyfriend, my best friend, my love; he said it right, "well why change the habit of a lifetime of underachieving?"

It was in reference to the pass percentage I scored on my online TEFL course. I got a merit (that was between 80 and 85%) but I complained to him saying, "Oh, I didn't realise it was graded! ... I could have got a distinction." That was above 85%. And it should have been easy enough for me to do. But like all things I've ever committed to or studied, I got to a point where I was beyond caring about getting every little mark and just wanted to complete the damn thing. Get it done. Move on. Make a cup of tea. Next!

And that's what's dawned on me now, that I can feel like this... IN LIFE >>IN YOGA. I can sense this past the point of caring. And with that comes this depressing realisation of my underachievement.

Underachievement in my work,
underachievement in my relationships,
...underachievement on my yoga mat.

Maybe I'm being hard on myself. It a struggle not to succumb to the odd self-deprocating thought that creeps in...but part of me, the largest part of me *knows* it's actually true that I could (and maybe some people think I should) be achieving more. Doing more. Focussing my energy. Yet I see that's almost impossible amidst all the foggy confusion clouding my mind.

I'm grateful to my beau for saying these words (which he absolutely did not mean but rang totally true).  Because this means that I can move on from this feeling; now, with greater clarity and self-awareness I can begin to be proud of my achievements and the way I live. I may not be up to much on the surface of things but the the rippling activity of my days are full of joy and many lessons. Almost like I'm learning to live again.

Everyday I roll out my yoga mat; just like I wake and I practice life.

I'm not giving up or rushing or waiting for the end! 

Life, like yoga is without merit or distinction. You just do.

From here to here

Life is a constant flux of learning.

Lessons.

Some, I've documented here. Most, I've felt and then become.

Life keeps moving.

I observe.

Moving from here to here.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller

Stop having faith in Something

In my last post I mentioned faith. I think I've mentioned having faith many times on this blog. But what I've come to realize is that I need to stop having faith in Something and instead have faith in Myself. This applies to having faith in yoga too. Yoga alone isn't going to fix me and make me the 'perfect' person...or the person I aspire to become. My choices to improve myself will help me to make this experience of Life better and yoga is part of that, even a facilitator to it but ultimately, the change will sprout from me.

It's only natural in uncertain times or during feelings of insecurity to ask for support or help. In a crisis when I was younger, I remember my mum praying to God for help. As an adult myself now, I'm likely to do the same in some form. And whenever I make Big decisions (life changing decisions) I want to seek out approval and for everyone to support me in my quest.

I should know by now that your expectations of people can not always live up to the ones you may have built in your imagination. Sometimes, the very people you think would want the best for you, actually seem to make things more difficult.
That's exactly when you have to believe in yourself.

Have faith in more than Something.
Have faith in you.


That is the test.

Fuck Yoga!

Believe me, I've questioned it many many times. Like, why bother? To list a few of the 'negatives' of Mysore-style Ashtanga yoga; early mornings, achey body, injury, tiredness, unleashed emotion(!)... Loss of your social life(!!) loss of friends(!!) loss of who you once were(?!!) ...

Returning to practice after being in bed with tonsillitis made me think about my motivation to get up and go to yoga six mornings a week...

1. It's a time that I devote to something greater than myself. I have a spiritual practice, more than just an asana practice.  
2. There's a whole bunch of people that I practice with whom I cherish. Great, fun, intelligent and inspiring people. I'm blessed to know them.
3. It makes my body more healthy. I believe I'm doing something good for myself and if I feel better, I'm more likely to be a more valuable asset to others.
4. It focusses my mind. It really does.
5. I have faith in this practice. 

I guess, you've got to have faith. Blind faith really. You can read/listen to other peoples' experiences but in the end, you have to believe in it yourself.

List of Joy

• watching people smiling alone in public...either looking at their mobile phones or just listening to their thoughts. Even better, seeing people laughing to themselves
• a really great film or TV show that makes me think/question out of my experience/connects to my experience
• content sleeping babies
• finding new AMAZING music -voices, lyrics...beats!
• my boyfriend - you make me forget myself  and all the other lovely friends and family I'm blessed to know
• DANCING
• writing when the words just flow tap tap tap
• blue skies and bluebells in April
• Buster and Poppy and all my animal companions
• singing ...and being told I can hold a note ;)
• feeling the warmth of sunlight on my face
• crunchy juicy apples
• giggling so much it hurts
• broad northern accents 
• lists
• looking back at all the moments/places/times I've felt such pure joy and looking forward to more of those

Downward dog in Paris

I really don't know where to start this post... I guess, by saying (admitting) that practicing in Paris was really challenging for me... on both a physical and emotional level.

So to give a little background, I've got a sore shoulder and hamstring which meant I'd not done my full practice for a couple of weeks before practicing in Paris. The hamstring issue is reoccurring but my painful shoulder is a new injury. I've been working on strength, maybe I over-did it? Or maybe it's just a culmination of shoulder stress and finally when it did go crack enough was enough and I was forced to slow down. Who knows...

The teacher in Paris identified that I needed to work on strength in practice and that my flexibility was actually a hindrance and that by practicing the way I do, I'm damaging myself. She told me that if she was my teacher she would have me only practice primary and make that solid before learning any second. She also said that after a year and a half of daily practice it was WAY too soon to learn second. She said she could see I wasn't engaging bandhas which acted as the brakes to protect myself from going too far in postures. She came from the prospective of staying safe in asana rather than experiencing uncomfortable places.

She told me my Chaturanga looked like an insect.

I'll leave it there, you get the impression, I hope. My practice was dissected. My attachment to my practice too.

So now I'm confused. I guess I'll talk to my teacher and gather her opinion.

All really hard shit to hear. But maybe someone had to say it...