Passing the Time

We laugh. We play. We sing.
We do all the things we want.
We live life fully, even recklessly at times!
We're fearless. We try new things.

We discuss. We work it out and learn.
We listen and we offer advice.
We're easy, kind and thoughtful.
We share all we have to give.

We're a great team and real friends.
We're open, honest and true.
We practice, practice, practice.
We're glad in all that we do.

We're just passing the time.
Passing it well.
Passing it creatively.
We're fun.

Setting aside my marigolds...

I was warned that MOST people who start second series give up their jobs...and what do you know, this week I handed in my resignation. How can I explain this seemingly crazy decision? My yoga teacher gave me the best possible simile, "It's like trying to clean a house that's too dirty." I'm scrubbing away but the more I scrub, the more people keep coming in with their dirty feet. It's gotten to the point where I've given up wanting to clean anymore and that's when I have to leave.

Slightly worryingly perhaps, I'm not sure I want to continue in any educational environment. I don't want to spend my days disciplining children and I'm not sure the high energy setting is good for me. More and more, I prefer quiet places. Places where people are calm and the pace of life is slower. Maybe I need to move out of London! Maybe I need to work for myself. But doing what? Hilariously, I've no concrete plans... not that there is ever such a thing as a concrete plan.

I know this:

I need inspiration.
I need to feel motivated.
I need to feel work provides joy.
I need to learn.

I've never continued with anything I thought had had it's time. I've never been one to settle for second best. I have always be one to aspire. To keep looking forward. To keep looking at the sun. To keep dreaming.

I used to be afraid. I used to not say it, hold back, don't do it, don't risk it.

Now, I've let go of the fear. Life is too short to hold back. I'm saying yes. I'm trying at everything. I'm being powerful and using my strength. I'm making (intelligent) choices. I'm being self-sufficient. I'm saying it if I want to. The gloves are off.

Making the commitment

So it seems I lack commitment. Commitment to anyone and anything as well as commitment to coming up from my drop backs currently! I'm still kinda swimming up from the floor...using my strength and limited flexibility with a sore left side - intercostal muscles and hamstring now! Something's lacking, commitment and maybe something's stopping me, fear. Maybe I'll be brave and throw myself into the unknown. Maybe I'm over-tired but my tears say follow your heart...do what you know is right. Commit. Be courageous. Do it, even though it's hard and sometimes...scary.

Just be happy...

There's no point trying to work it out. There is no formula. No plan. No control. Sometimes it's just what it is. The magic trick is being able to accept that. But you have to go for it with an open heart, a pinch of naivety, child-like eyes and there's always a risk too. You just never know when you'll feel negativity next. Today, tonight, tomorrow? But you could feel fantastic too. The day might surprise you, you might learn something new, you might change, you might grow and become even more aware. You might lose your mind and just be.

East

Traveling in the wrong direction on the tube - it MUST be a Moon Day.

I feel weary and yet every stride takes me powerfully forward regardless. Every few minutes I am forced to take a deep breath and exhale fully - I feel the pain in my chest. The ripping. The hurting.

I'm injured.

I'm sure it won't take long to heal but it's a horrible experience. Every breath, pain.

No hurry. No worry. I'm reminded. Slow down. I should be relieved...no chaturanga, no lifts, slow slow deep (painful) breaths.

My front intercostals are pulled/torn. It's happened before but never this severely.

Now, here I am where I started when I went in the wrong direction. I wonder what today will bring. Every day, a blizzard of events. No wonder the mind can become foggy.

Where are you? What are you doing or thinking?

If I had more time to write, I'd tell you that I'm always both bemused and amazing.

I love this.

London, stimulate.

What the Ashtanga Primary Series does to you...

Facing yourself... It's like facing yourself. Literally. Physically, emotionally, mentally skin to skin, eye to eye, sweat to teardrops with all there always will be. You. God. A Supreme Being.

I'm about to make major changes in my life...and it's exciting. The more I say it, the more glee I feel. The more I know it's right.

I know who I am now. I know who I was. I know who I want to be... I know I need you too and the Universe will provide every good thought, cat to stroke and hug to help me along the way. I'm doing all the things I've been putting off. All the things that scare me. I'm out there. Fearless.

Action Cures Fear

When suppressed in wonder, I can come to this blog and share some thoughts...here's a few.

Lots going on recently. Maybe I should have been sitting a bit more. The impromptu ones are better than regular slots I find, otherwise I get stressed about making time to sit and really it shouldn't CAUSE (more) stress.

In practice this week my body's felt super slugglish, heavy and stiff. WAH...not moaning, just an observation. I've been eating tonnes too...which could be related to anxiety levels but I reckon, also to changes in my body. Though, I must admit I've been a little bit lazy of late...defo not giving that extra 2% effort everyday (as Kino I recall advising). To be honest, having numerous different teachers the past couple of months has been interesting and fun but I'm really looking forward to having my regular teacher back. She knows me, she knows my body and she's my teacher. And she won't let me slack.

I have been through this whole questioning process of asana too. Just feeling like none of it really matters...yarr, it can feel good, look amazing, leave you with an increased sense of awareness/of being but I just felt like it was all a means to an end. Bodily play. Quite depressive and negative. Maybe I was losing faith in the discipline? The 4.28am get ups are hardcore but you get used to them and then I suppose there is undoubtedly going to be a point when you reassess and ask yourself WHY you're doing this again? How does this practice help my life? No need to answer that. I feel like everything I've experienced and learned so far has been leading to this point where I take action and silence my fear.

I will never stop learning. Everyday, every second, every moment is a chance to learn something new.

Oooh and PS. My favourite posture at the minute

(not me ;) )