Who we are

I remember as a child I wanted to be called Jessica. And so, practicing writing my name, I started to write Jessica.

Jessica
Jessica
Jessica

Maybe, if I wrote it enough times, I would actually become Jessica and lose my Jennifer identity?! Unfortunately, my birth name kind of stuck.

As a teen, I recall my mum criticising/mocking me for not knowing who I was. My style changed so often. I didn't know if I was any of the labels kids were given then. I didn't really know my preferences. I guess my main influences have always been my friends. I see that I've been highly influenced. And it doesn't end in my past. Now, as the person I've grown into, I see that I've been moulded by a lifestyle/environment/choices influenced by others. But who am I beneath all this?

Beneath all the external influence what is it that I am? Who is Jennifer? Maybe I'm different to everyone who comes into contact with me? Maybe I'm different even to me? Maybe this internal narrator changes too!

So is it when you take away all this external/internal shit, we're all just the same chemical compounds? No me, you, I. Only we.

That would have been easier name to practice.

We
We
We

But maybe a bit WEird.

A Flame

A little bit of anger,
The fuel for the fire.
A frustration,
A spark.
Then a flame,
The fire crackles.
Things get going,
Everything heats up.
The fire glows.
Energetic and strong.

The realising moments.

There are moments,
Sometimes longer than moments.
An evening.
A morning.
A time. Any time.
When you make a big realisation.
Some birth of thought or reason.
They can be scary.
And joyful.
We change.
We renew.
We grow.
Like children, we transpire.
Everyday someone new.

Christmas Time

It's the season to take stock and reflect.

It's the season to rest.

It's the season to love and cherish.

It's the season to be compassionate.

It's the season to be creative.

So many words have gone unwritten over the past month. Oodles of ideas and thoughts have gone untyped. But that's okay...I'll start from here.

In Blackburn, sat in my Father's chair, using his laptop, the clock ticks, my fingers tap tap and the dog sighs. It's Christmas Eve. My past is all about, it smiles at me and haunts my dreams too. Old samskaras awaken. I'm glad to sit and practice my yogic values off the mat. My body doesn't ache. It is relieved. It sighs deeply too.

Christmas Day now. The clock bashes still.

How will you spend this day?

How will you show more love?

How will you make this Christmas Time even more magical?

Give thanks and praise to God.

This, we have been given the gift to choose...

No Yin. No Yang.

If every day was sunny, we'd surely complain?

It's the crappy days that make us appreciate those days that just bloomin' perfect...and almost MAGICAL. Moments of bliss teased out throughout a day of laughter, warmth, comfort...LOVE. On the contrary, the not-so-great days are grim, empty, void and can make us question our entire existence in their extreme.

Post a very short primary practice this morning, life is beautiful. The sun penetrates the carriage of the train and glistens on the metallic surfaces of tall towers that poke from the urban landscape. But the day before, on placement at a school in ever-so-dismal Dagenham, I wondered WHY was I here doing this? Why was I wishing time away? Wasting time. Ughhhh, wasting ENERGY. Both of which, are so so precious. I told my boyfriend at the end of the day that maybe everyone has days like this and it's 'normal'. Without the darkness we wouldn't know the light.

Change is in the midst. I just know.

(Brief) moments of discontentment can be just as enlightening as moments of joy.

This is Living.

Happier every moment I'm more aware.
Stronger every time I try.
More loving every time I breathe in.
More prepared every time I breathe out.

Having the Courage

courage |ˈkʌrɪdʒ|
noun
the ability to do something that frightens one : she called on all her courage to face the ordeal.
• strength in the face of pain or grief : he fought his illness with great courage

ORIGIN Middle English (denoting the heart, as the seat of feelings): from Old French corage, from Latin cor ‘heart.’

To be truly courageous, you have to be prepared to work hard I think; to have patience and persistence. You have to persevere through all the frustration, worry, angst, FEAR. Some pretty uncomfortable times are inevitable. You have to trust the choices you make. Like giving up my job. That was a pretty big decision and one that I celebrated. I had to have faith that I'd be able to make money to survive no matter what. I'm alive and happy! I had to take a risk.

In life, we have to push our boundaries to move forward, for change. We have to keep widening our experience. We have to have courage. We have to listen to our hearts and explore the possibilities. In doing so, we can only get stronger.