Vipassana

I'm desperate to get my thoughts down before they lose their vivacity, before they're lost in the ocean of my mind and the waves trickle out, disappear on the shore.

Vipassana blew me away. Quite simply, the course was one of the hardest, most challenging (physically and mentally) things I've EVER done in my life. That's quite a statement, huh?!

Foremost, before I begin, I want to say that by writing about my time spent at Dhamma Dipa, I hope that I'm doing something for the good...that my words are a positive force and that perhaps more people think about taking the opportunity to EXPERIENCE themselves a Vipassana course...at some point in their lives. It took me a year after hearing about Vipassana to commit to actually signing up for the teaching. So ultimately YES I believe the experience was worthwhile for me (VERY)...but perhaps only because I was ready for it. Many of the women disappeared, their meditation spaces void where their cushion and blankets once where. We didn't know what happened to those women or why they gave up on their efforts but I can understand and have so much compassion for them. I can only assume too, that it wasn't the right time for them. I wish those women luck in all they do and that they got something positive out of the time they spent with us. Working silently. Working patiently. Working diligently. Working continuously. I wanted to give in at times too.

Driving up in the car we talked about what we wanted out of Vipassana (*ahem* craving!). Where we where in life. What we thought we'd struggle with (*ahem* aversion). I was pretty quiet. A little unwilling to have any expectation, a little wondering if this was just another search for ANSWERS. A depressing, saddening SEARCH.
Honestly, I didn't know what to expect. I'd dipped my toe into meditation techniques. I'd began to sit regularly at home but not for long periods and mainly for the purpose of regulating my breath and reminding myself that I was OKAY at the end of the day. Things are okay, you can sleep now. Life is good. Inhale LOVE / Exhale fear. Two things I had identified as possible struggles for me were meal times, making do with whatever food was provided and also, not being able to practice yoga and in fact, a complete abstinence of exercise. Actually, in the end neither of these concerns caused me any worry whilst I was there. The food was wholesome and tasty (I'll discuss food further!) and as for yoga, by Day 7 I finally realized I was here to give 100% of my body to sitting (*ahem* definitely NOT doing dropbacks in the field to revive my spirit. Yeah, my back hurt slightly more after that. We learn from experience, eh?!)

Back in London writing this, I catch my shallow breath. INHALE. The city hustles. My mind's busy. I'm full of energy and exhausted at the same time. I'm emotional too. I held back tears in the car driving back down. Home. Home? A fellow Vip lady explained to me there that HOME was where you are. We ARE home she said when I told her I was missing home on Day 9. Missing people. Comforts. Home is coming back to who you are. We're coming home by coming here she said. Yes, yes, you're right...

The discipline of Vipassana.

Days 1-6 I was really quite enjoying DD. It was like one big episode of Peep Show. I spent time scribing this blog too...planning what to write. I wanted to write it all down. The running commentary was funny (I thought). Entertaining. Distracting. And I filled the resting time well. My cuticles have never looked so manicured. We were lucky with the glorious weather...I even caught the sun. I stretched out my aching back lead on the butterfly bench in the beautiful country grounds. I did a few yoga poses. I tried to relieve my digestion. Ahem, Days 1-6 my body was still adapting to sitting on my arse for up to 10 hours of the day...and things were not flowing so freely. From the noises I could hear of my meditator neighbours stomachs, we were all having the same trouble. I took joy in hand washing my clothes. There is something so satisfying about washing and drying your clothes on a dry day. So self-sufficent. Who needs a washing machine? Especially, when it's just you to look after and there's nothing else to do. Nobody to pass the time with. Talk to. Nothing else to do except things for you. I hopped over the bridge. I walked around the tree. People saw...they couldn't SAY anything and what did it matter anyway?! A bit mad...but they could see I was happy. I tried to lift their spirits. Not everyone was so high as me. Some were clearly having a rough time and yeah, I wanted to reach out in any way I could. I sang Hakuna Matata in my head... no worries. This could be heaven (for everyone) the internal voice sang.

Day 3, I had had a revolutionary sensation during meditation (which was one of MANY to come). During Anapana breathing I felt my body sinking and head lifting. The best way to describe it was that it felt like my head was floating and my body was under water and they were separating...my body sinking and head lifting away. WHOA. So THIS can happen during meditation? It's NOT just uncomfortable...sometimes PAINFUL, sometimes TORTUROUS physically AND mentally. NO. You can have these moments too. Alas, aniture ANITURE. Changing CHANGING. Unpleasurable sensations pass as do those that are pleasurable. I suppose I'm blessed to have had these sensations. Dhamma is good! I remember thinking I never thought I could experience such BLISS...such PEACE through meditation. Obviously, this was encouraging for me. I did work hard. Very hard. Our assistant teacher told me about Day 2 (I can't remember) not to be so INTENSE practicing. I was enquiring about the most suitable posture for me...urm, my knees are hurting, pins and needles, numbness, my back is pinching, is it okay to hunch or should I be sat up straight? EVERYONE was suffering...not just me. She told me that my posture was fine, work patiently and persistently. I experimented with my posture Days 1-4 maybe but when the HOUR long statue-like sit was introduced I decided on crossed legs and one cushion. My torture chair... I WILL NOT move. Creatures (spiders spiders! Maybe it's a beetle, one ran off my blanket this morning) crawling on my skin I'M SURE (it's going IN MY EYE). TOP OF THE HEAD. TOP OF THE HEAD. *tingle tingle* DO NOT move. I found a strength I never knew I had. Pinching pinching up and in my back. Now the pain's moving. Old injuries, old scabs bleeding. Legs...what legs?!

But I found an energy flow too. I couldn't sleep... I buzzed, body tingling and ALIVE. I free-flowed the energy and time-travelled to the future and the past. Then I came back to the technique when all that fell apart. By Day 8 I began to stick to the technique more...learning the whole point of this process, to stay IN THE MOMENT. Stay with REALITY NOW. However pleasurable or painful...this moment is TRUTH.

I figured out JUST how much food to eat...and what to eat too. I had to learn HOW to eat again leaving my belly a quarter empty so as not to over-fill too much to sit and concentrate. I learned how to APPRECIATE food again...really taste every mouthful. Morning times my stomach gargled crying out for substance. I loved the morning sits. 4.30am I was there with bells on...wrapped in blankets, like a baby smothered in warmth. The chanting the only music to my ears, I appreciated it and it sent me into a deep meditative place...shame I was so hungry, that was distracting. To begin with there was a lot of nose-dropping meditations (falling asleep) at this time but those slowly diminished and I relished this sacred morning-time.

I broke Noble Silence THREE times. Twice by accident...just plain forgetting. I said to a woman, "Excuse me" and then hilariously in line for breakfast a lady picked up the banana I was going to eat and I said, "I was going to take that." HELLO EGO. MYYYYYYYYY BANANA. Urm, no it isn't love...and there's a great big pile of 'em just get another! But in the moment I just said it! Evidence that I still I have work to do...and starvation makes you a bit like a hungry animal around food. The third time, maybe fourth actually, there may have been another accidental verbalization haha, but the fourth was a cry for help, for some kind of comfort on Day 9 when I said "I think this is the hardest day." It was a purposeful rule break and one which I regretted instantly...especially, when I got a reply of SILENCE.

Day 7 was Meltdown Day and the day when Vipassana began changing me and killed any doubts I was having about the technique. So it was 40 minutes into the group sit, I hadn't moved...I was deep in a meditative state, free-flowing from head to feet, feet to head. Suddenly, my lips start trembling, I feel a SURGE of heat, my eyes fill and I CAN'T stop from crying. I cry. I cry hard. In the room of 200 people or more(!). I can't breathe. I've ripped off all the layers, I'm sweating. I don't move from my spot (E4). It doesn't even occur to me to move. Moving is not an option. I could explain the other stuff as psychological tricks of the mind...feeling sensations when I myself could be creating the sensations but I really can't explain this massive physiological reaction. Shit, this was one big STORM. Sankhara release... I found out later on Metta Day (Day 9) that I wasn't the only one to have had this experience and a few even THANKED me because my release was comforting to them knowing that they were not ALONE in their rushes of emotion.

I think some of the teaching did depress me and by Day 9 I just wanted it all to be over. I wanted my FREEDOM back. I was trapped here in this place. Gongs...bloody gongs. We're conditioned to the gong like Pavlov's dogs... I was very negative. It rained. Counting down the hours...wanting to be in another place. Aren't I ALWAYS doing this, WANTING this. Never just being. Always craving...oh man, I am and oh fucking great even if it's all good in life it's going to change and BOUND to turn to SHIT. Aniture. And don't you know, you're alone. You're only ever going to love yourself truly. You're alone. Solitude. You're learning that lesson here love. Nobody is going to comfort you. Nobody is going to touch you. Cry. No hugs here. Save yourself from your own MISERY. Harsh lessons...and ones I was dwelling in.
Then on METTA DAY, a man approached me in the dining hall (some areas become mixed on this day) and he said that he thought someone should have comforted me during Day 7 Meltdown Day Meditation...and I explained all that NOT receiving any comfort was teaching me. And he said yes, I see that we come in this world alone and we leave this world alone but whilst we are here, we're here together and we're here for each other. I whelled up as he spoke. Sure. THANK YOU. You know, I think these kind words SAVED me...

I'm tired now. I'm going to TAKE REST.

It's great to be back to life (back to reality).

I FEEL SO PURE.

SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.

Cessation

"Yoga is the cessation of the movements in the consciousness." (BKS Iyengar)

Every morning over the past few weeks as I sit in (okay, ON) the toilet before I practice (weeing!) I have read this on a poster advertising for a workshop... as well as being fascinated by the missing E from enthusiasm so the word reads nthusiasm. Wah! My mind's attention to detail is at it's peak in my life, I reckon - a common feature I notice amongst dedicated Ashtangis.

I suppose yes. Yoga is a numbing. But it's also an awakening and a delving into the unconscious. This physical practice does something that alters you mentally...and develops you spiritually.

Finally, it's here; my last day at school. I've learned a lot about myself this year. I've changed a lot too.

I'm ready for this new chapter to be written.

Go

I'm not there yet.
Not yet submerged.
But I'm floating in the currents,
Feeling the ripples of a past life.
Analyzing.
Making sense.
Going down the same spiraling streams,
Then regretting it.
Intending to do better.
Work harder.
Become stronger.