Dorothy

Sat in the arms of my Father's chair, it's probably the only time of year that i'll eat trifle for breakfast because I couldn't quite fit it in the day before and it so persistently played on my mind.

I'm sighing a huge sigh of relief that the day is over. I long for the day I can make Christmas my own, selfishly.

Coming home has made me realize how trapped I felt here, how claustrophobic I felt in this, my parent's house. My bed doesn't feel my own. It's cold and my room is acquiring more and more of my Mum's things. I love my parents dearly, don't get me wrong but this is not my home. But wait... I don't currently have a home. But kinda like when I had my bag stolen, it feels liberating. I know I can still be every ounce the person I am and not have a dwelling to call a home.

I'm glad that I made this journey for the clearing of the air and a chance to talk. A walk in the park yesterday was my favourite part of Christmas day. My Dad coming to wake me up. My Mum making jokes. And then the walk, a time to discuss everyone's daily life, to really say how we feel.

This has to be the last time i come here though. I can't breathe. I've taken so much criticism. I've tried to tolerate, tried to let go, tried to argue back. But emotion consumes me. Sadness swallows me.

I don't like your hair. You need to put weight on. You need to produce children for me to enjoy! Your yoga isn't normal!!

It's so much easier in my bubble.

Tap. Tap.

Moon Day Good Eggs

Ahh. Joy. Moon Day. Eggs and soldiers leisurely breakfast and blogging.

Yoga news: my practice has been pretty MEH for the past couple of weeks. Body feels like a lead balloon and every since I was told (again) about the hyper-extension in my arms, i feel like a beginner that can't even do Chaturanga properly! Frustration looms over me and my body feels like a fat, clumsy, heavy, WEAK, lump of rubbish yogi. LOL. Okay, so i'm exaggerating. I'm *trying* not to be that hard on myself. I have a niggling problem with my hamstring and my knees have been on and off sore since starting to go deeper in Ardha Baddha Paddmotanasa and binding in Yoga Mudra. A friend has suggested rolling around on a tennis ball to help my hamstring so gona give that a whirl this week.

Life news: I saw another flat last night. The current flatmate is very interested in meeting the right person to live with so it was more like a date than a viewing and she even had a couple of her bestfriends there to vet me too! It's all very exhausting and to be fair, I just want to find a place now. I will be so happy the day I know where I am moving and this new chapter can begin.

Despite the snow in the UK, I made it to a big gig/RAVE in Manchester at the weekend. The DJ I went to see was actually snowed in in the end and stuck in another country but the weekend (and journey!) turned out to be so worth it in the end for seeing my old flatmate and uni bestfriend. It made me realize how lucky I am to have such good eggs in my life. Once again, I'm consumed with gratitude for the people I have met along my path.

Happy Moon Day ECLIPSE!

I Bite

There is a teeny tiny part of me that is very angry. Huge sigh cos I don't really know why. FRUSTRATION perhaps? Yesterday, she popped her ugly head and snapped out.

Yoga is teaching me to be aware of my ugly thoughts and just let them go. Notice them and then don't give them anymore energy...and if possible, change the thought process.

But what about this anger?!

In fairness, it's unexpected from me...and rather explosive!

Devotion

When I was younger and still into my adulthood if I'm honest, I was attracted and still remain attracted to devotional living; living for something beyond my own existence. This morning, I realized that yoga ticks this box for me and still allows me to live in the real world without being segrated from society. In fact, it helps me to live better. It helps me to cope better with Life's upheavals and also to maximise the joy in it's blessings.

A week until the end of this my first term as a primary school teacher and I feel satisfied and I'm looking forward to Christmas and the start of the New Year. This is not even work to me. This, my job, is all part of my devotional practice. Life.

Exciting news: I baked my first Christmas cake last night. It was all rather perfect avec Christmas music and munching mince pies and despite the challenge of mixing by hand in a wok, measuring ingredients on a pair of old fashioned weighing scales (the ones with weights) and lack of greaseproof paper. But I can confirm that butter and a dusting of flour does the job just as well! Thank goodness. I am hopeful it's cooked(!) and I'm sure it will taste as divine as it smells.

Mundane news: I'm still looking for a new flat. I had hoped to find somewhere before I go home home (to my parents') for my Xmas break but I've let go of this want now. I will not settle for anything less than the next ideal place to roost.

Practice news: Still working on that Supta K bind. Still waiting for my toes to kiss! MWAH!

I am hopeful. Someday soon.

London, you make me love you...

This weekend London has been magical. Magical and all mine. There are exquisite moments when the city just fills me with bliss. When in every face I see beauty, in every stranger there is a friend, with every step there is something new and wonderful to discover. This whole weekend has been riddled with these moments. I could never truly capture in words or pictures how the city can make me feel.

I'm blessed to feel so inspired to step out into the world every day and to regard every day as an adventure.

London, you have my heart.

Practice IS Practice

At some point during my lovely start to the day on the mat this morning, it came to my mind that practice IS practice. Doing the same thing again and again and again. In the hope of making small changes leading to a big difference. And I thought, huh..yeah, same with life.

Little changes all the time.

Which leads me on nicely to...

I'M MOVING HOME.

Winter Blues?

As beautiful as it is, can it not be warmer?

November was a tough month for several reasons. Some that I've talked about on here...some that I've not. What I want to refrain from writing is that I have been really really down. I think I hit the all time low in Carlisle after graduating. My body was frozen to the core and it was all a bit much for me. The ending. The beginning. The not knowing. The (then) emptiness.

So I suppose I have been in a retreat mode.

Thankfully, I managed to get my arse out this weekend and enjoy myself catching up with friends. Drinking mulled wine and such. Lovely.

I have started a list of all the things I'm putting off doing (causing anxiety) and of all the next steps.

And I'm experimenting with a light lamp. Let's see if that helps cos honestly, I do feel a bit SAD.

When it Clicks.

And ahhh, blog TIME.

Let me recap before I begin. Last week, I was poorly. Energy ZAPPED, so weak, so DONE. A few days recuperation (and retreat from the world) cured that.

Yoga first. Practice last Sunday was incredibly exhilarating. Something shifted in my body, something IS shifting and I'm reaching new levels of deepness in postures and suddenly things are clicking into place. I am strong. You know those *special* days when you're the only person in the room and it's just you and your body? Nothing else exists.

By the time I got to Supta Kurmasana, I was dripping with sweat. Like, literally I was pouring sweat into the floor in front of me...and I *knew* that it was going to be the day I finally managed to bind my hands and feet in this pose. And finally, finally, it clicked. My shoulder clicked too. Exhilaration. Joy. I did it. Pressed into the floor, bound up. I LOVE this posture.

I think for me and for others I've discussed Supta Kurmasana with (Mel), this pose is so humbling. I also had to let go of a lot of fear. I have a slightly irrational fear that I'm going to break my shoulders but I *know* it's just a case of my body becoming accustomed. I suppose, my body and my mind actually.

Following practice, I had a lovely yogi breakfast and then toddled off to meet a friend. It was a beautiful day, crisp clear skies but sooo cold. God had just turned winter on. Hours later, I was having the most amazing (exhilarating) time with my friend and his friend (who I instantly adored too) when I realized my bag had been nicked from the chair i'd put it on in the bar we were drinking in. Exhilaration turned to fury...turned to despair. I couldn't stop myself from swearing. My mum threatened to hang up the phone, I was swearing so much. I was furious. Then the tears came. I struggle to cry. I can feel hurt, upset, angry and still, not cry. Then, something, something *clicks* and I can't stop the tears from rolling.

Thankfully, I stayed with my friend that evening (keys stolen). I was up early enough to pit-stop at the shala to sit for 15 minutes before going straight to school. I had called my colleague who brought me a change of clothes. I am so blessed.

In a way, it was liberating to lose my bag. To lose the things I *need*.

I am pissed off about losing my camera though. Bastards. Ipod and Oyster (travel) card too.

In a way, it's funny that the day I got the bind, I lost my stuff. Most humbling. It's funny I ended up in tears too after wanting to on my mat.

My body has been a little bit broken since Sunday. Nothing really to write home about but my shoulders have been sore and hamstrings have been niggling. Deep Heat is a dear friend. I've done a full 6 day week as well.. I was going to practice today but I couldn't muster the motivation this morning to do it. Plus, I think I need to rest. No, I know. And I wanted to blog. Writing this stuff down is therapeutic.

I have a weekend IN ahead. My classroom practice has faced external moderation this week and I want a weekend where I can do school work, buy things for my classroom and rest up. Hopefully, shift a lingering cold too.

It's funny though, I long for excitement. More. Ha!

Oooh, and my bag was retrieved. A lovely couple found it thrown over their garden wall and managed to contact me from cards I kept in my purse. Yes, yes, I am one lucky girl.

Sickness and Shadows

Okay, so I went out last weekend and had SUPER fun with my friends. Dressed as Twister (for Halloween fancy dress).

As my housemate would say, I chose life. I treated myself to a Bikram class on Saturday before I went, as I couldn't bare the thought of not practicing any yoga for three whole days (not that awful really is it?!) Bikram was really hard and I found myself resisting the teacher and being irritated by him. So I gave up, didn't put my heart and soul into and just got through the class. It made me late getting ready to leave London too. I don't think I'll be practicing Bikram for a very long time. I think each to their own but Ashtanga is my chosen practice.

This week has been a funny old week since. I couldn't practice Monday, as I am committed to babysitting one weekday morning each week. I could have gone to a friend's Hatha class on the Monday evening but after my day I just wanted to get to bed..and actually, my day wasn't too bad considering I really lacked in motivation (still tired from the weekend). But then Tuesday...bleugh!! I made it to practice after nearly rolling over, then blacked out a few times during standing (had to go to the floor to stop myself from falling over), then I did actually fall on my head in Bhujapidasana -sideways. Ouch. Think I uttered a quiet, "fuck!". Then got up and did it again...without bashing myself.

I had training that morning so I wasn't in school but then I couldn't shake the queasy feeling. I felt sick and weak. I was sent home where I went back to bed. My dreams were haunted by things on my mind and I was scared to close my eyes that night for fear of the nightmares. The most terrifying and most vivid was one where I couldn't breathe and my body was kind of fitting. I couldn't control my movement and I couldn't speak. Horrifying. Like I was losing control of my body but still present in my mind. I've suffered from bad dreams before when I've been sick - maybe it's fever which brings it on. In the end, I had a nice sleep that night but I didn't practice yesterday and I took another day off work. I spent most of the day in bed again but felt more lively by the afternoon. I hate being ill...it's a very lonely time. Nobody can comfort me and it's a real test for me to able to sit still and just be...without being too in my head, over-thinking situations or fantasizing too much. Ultimately creating more darkness for myself. Cos it's the distractions which make life more bearable...all the things we take for granted when we're healthy. Being sociable and having the energy, the gusto to get out there. When we're poorly, lust for life diminishes and we're forced to rest.

Although, this weekend was great. It wasn't without drama. Not that I'm shocked by events - just hmm perhaps, disheartened. I can't help but feel hopeless sometimes. It's normal. I'm not always positive. No one is. Shit happens and well, we just have to trudge along through the good and the bad...like when we fall over, we just have to get back up and try again. It probably won't be the last time I fall over, but I'm not afraid of falling now I know exactly how it feels and I know I'll survive!

I have so much to be grateful for. So much. I don't want to search for things to complain about because ya know, my life is pretty sweet and I'll be fully better very soon. Everything passes. Life is not without it's highs and inevitable lows but without the sun there are no shadows.

No More Toe Dipping

I'm the type of person who tends to test the water before diving in.

The thing is, I feel ready to dive now.

This is really all about commitment. I've been pretty averse to committment, until now. I've realized, I am committed. Committed to my job and committed to being kind to myself and others around me...to the best of my ability.

So. I've been doing some thinking.

I'm actually committed to yoga and my practice too. Not only does it have physical and mental benefits but the lifestyle is also conducive to how I want my lifestyle now. I'm not a student anymore..(i.e., I'm more hippy, less raver). I have responsibility! I have responsibility for others and I now realize, for myself.

This all comes before agreeing to partying with friends this weekend...I'm sure I can find some kind of balance here?!

Advice anyone??!

Everyone is in love

I've come to my favourite cafe to write. It's not my favourite because of the coffee/food/surroundings but because I love to come here alone. But this chocolate chip shortcake is pretty amazing too.

Armed with a book and a pen, I'm just like everybody else; invisible. Well, not quite unnoticed; I'm mentally observing and writing everyone around me glance by glance. My mind makes sense of why they're here, what they're doing and maybe even, what they make of me.

It's the first day of my half-term break.

I feel tired...but good. I feel, you know, very content.

On reflection, I've achieved a lot these seven weeks of school. I'm pleased with work and I'm pleased with life...and practice. I am happy. I am content. I'm enjoying it all and taking it all in, appreciating moment by moment.

Nevertheless, it's innately natural to want to keep moving forward and to think about the future. And first comes building that future in my head.

Bizarrely, on more than one occasion this week I've been asked if I want my own children. In fact, the question from the shop assistant was, "Do you have your own children?" Which, begs the question how old did she think I was?! My reply was a hasty, "No," followed by, "but I would like to." This admittance was after discussing the exact same thing with my yoga teacher earlier in the week (who is pregnant with her second baby by the way). Ever since I was old enough to take care of one, I've loved children and entertaining them. Granted it took me a while in my adult-life to discover that this would become my vocation.

I bounced back the question to the girl as I tend to do with such personal requests for information. She said, "Yeah, of course," and continued to tell me how she was studying medicine and that having children was a big issue for female doctors, i.e., when it was a good time to start a family.

It's a huge thing for me to talk about...as with every woman there's no guarantee you will live happily ever after and be successful in love, marriage and babies. I accept that.

There is OF COURSE the very small detail that I don't even have a significant other in my life. Nor do I feel I could emotionally cope with that right now. Heck, I've pretty much never been in a real relationship to tell the truth.* After numerous flittering romances, I gave up the notion of a Walt Disney kind of love and instead, took a more cynical, scientific approach. LOVE = CHEMICAL. Hormonal. Temporary. Like eating ice-cream, delightful and more-ish but the sweet taste passes. Like every emotion dissipates, love does.

Crucially, I'm very unwilling to adjust my life for someone else. A potential boyfriend must be yoga friendly, undemanding of my time but very attentive, kind and loving. Not an easy find! The men I meet in clubs (when I do go out!) are too in love with escapism (music/booze/drugs) and the shala is not exactly an excellent meeting place either. It's a spiritual place. As my friend would so elegantly say, "one should not shit where they eat."

So, I'm afraid this is my position.

25 and in love with a dream.

The End.

* As honest as my blog has the courage to be.

Can i do this?

WOOP!

Holibobs time sooooon.

In the words of a dear friend, "I'm (th)WHACKED!"

School is taking it out of me. Some days are great, some are terrible! I spoke to my lovely teacher friend last Saturday evening and soaked up her positivity, my own having been sucked from my core that week. Can i do this? Resonated in my mind the entire weekend. It was a stressful week! One of many to come. Can i do this?

Practice is good. I seem to go through phases of strength, shifting (change) then soreness... Can i do this?

There's that moany child inside me wanting to curl up, part of it wants to cry too, part of it knows it's all part of the process. Then the child does something silly like jumping through and plummeting way off the mat and it smiles and laughs..

A cup of tea solves EVERYTHING

I think it's the smallest things in life that bring me most joy. A cup of tea, for instance. Warm and soothing. Sweet and made with full fat cows milk reminds me of being a child and being made weak tea at my auntie and uncle's house (who were actually neighbours and family friends). Now in my adult life, whenever i face some kind of mental trauma, i turn to tea!

I knew something was niggling at me over the past couple of weeks. I could sense a light uneven breath. Deep down I knew that I was too busy and too hectic last week and that left too little time for myself and too little time to rest. So this week I've been sleeping like a baby and crying (if tears would actually emerge!) like one too. When my friend died a couple of years ago now, I remember making a brew. It was her birthday last weekend so I know my thoughts have been with her perhaps more than usual and with more sad news from friends I'm constantly reminded that life is so fragile..and so should be enjoyed!

But. I'm changing. My definition of enjoyment isn't the same as it was in my early 20's. I feel caught between this old person and this new one who's growing below the surface of my skin.. and it's frustrating. And i want to cry. And i want my mum! And i just want someone to tell me everything's going to be okay.

It is.

My life is hectic. School is hectic.. My yoga practice is...wait for it - hectic!

I'm surprised how short i've managed to make my once two hour practice. I'm sure it can be even shorter! Minus adjustments to my yoga towel and the extra breaths I take here and there.

Today I actually almost had a breakdown though. I got stuck in Bhudjapidasana..as my teacher put it, like a beetle. I couldn't lift up when i put my head down. Silly SILLY mistake cos i was trying to lift UP and not thinking forwards! But anyway, i was there STUCK thinking what can i do? Shout for help? How do i collapse out of this?! OH MY GOD i'm STUUUUUUUCK. I eventually fell on my side after making a pathetic last struggling moan/wimper and i just wanted to weep.

I feel so frustrated with myself to be honest. Like, why can't i do this?! Is it me, am i not putting enough effort in? Is it my mind?

Then my frustration follows me to work. I try my hardest to organize things in the most effective way but i have to keep changing things and re-evaluating and things don't get done or don't get the attention they deserve because there's just not enough TIME in the day. The same could be said for my practice too. It all corresponds.

Re the tears, my teacher says it's good. She says it's a sign i'm changing..

I'm gona sup on this cup of tea and take comfort.

This is it.

There is still so much to look forward to. But what I really *need* to do is enjoy here. Enjoy now.

This week has been such a whirlwind..I'm weary from every conversation, dance..drink!

This upcoming week is going to be calm. I need to get my breath back. I need to rest. I need this time, like now to; sit, write, ponder and gaze.

I loved loved LOVED seeing my Mum and Dad and my birthday was the best birthday ever. FACT. From raving with old and dear friends in Liverpool to twirling with new bendy friends in London. I'm so grateful to everyone that made it special and held me in their thoughts.

I'm reading The Prophet - a birthday gift.

It's my pledge to read more as I have SO much to read. Every journey now will be spent clutching a book! Soaking it up.

So much to look forward to...

I'm really looking forward to the next few months.

I love September. I love the crisp, clear mornings, blue skies and sea of leaves.

Mostly, I'm looking forward to seeing my Mum and Dad very soon. They have always done their best for me and have helped me so much..i'm still their baby and they miss me too. The best place is definitely making my home away but a percentage of me still belongs in Lancastrian hills..

On being single, i'm loving my freedom...not having any interests, not being interested in any interests. Now i'm working and EARNING i'm already planning to travel before my first wage even hits my bank. There's a a whole world beyond East London and i want to explore it. I want more yoga. More fun. More contentment. More of this feeling that i really don't care or waste my energy caring about things i can't control. More feeling that i'm powerful. I'm really on a massive high but at the same time, i'm only just whisking the wave.

My 25th birthday celebrations will include visiting Liverpool this weekend..catching up with some nearest and dearest as well as A LOT of dancing. Then next week, going to the Lion King with my folks..as well as practicing on my actual birthday. With all the rest I'm getting this week (Moon Day and missing a couple of days) i know i'll be strong.

I am strong.

I am balanced.

I'm looking forward to more of this.

Listen to me..

I miss my best friend in Carlisle..she always listened. REALLY listened. In fact, she taught ME to listen better to others..and in context to children who can't always communicate as efficiently as adults are able to. And then there are some adults who still struggle to communicate. They struggle to be heard. There are the adults who don't or won't listen.

I've learned to listen to myself as I've matured. I know when I'm sad. I know when i'm happy, content..when i'm in love! I know myself well. I listen hard. I listen to the kids in my class..even when they don't make any sense at all with their broken English, broken sentences, mumbling..I listen and wholeheartedly try to give them my utmost attention. Because they, like everyone else, deserve to be listened to. It hurts me, it makes me sad, irritated, annoyed, frustrated when people don't truly listen to either themselves or more so, to others.

The friend I have on Facebook who tires herself working too hard on a weekly basis only needs to re-read her status updates and actually SEE her continuous cycle of behaviour of working herself to the ground and then feeling down as a result. Then their is the friend that doesn't want to listen..they just want to talk about themselves. They've no time. They have bigger fish to fry...

When i listen to people, i try to connect. I try to relate..and try to see things from their point of view. I wonder what i would do. Because i am you.

Listen to me.

Inhale, Exhale..Exhale Exhale Exhale

It's becoming hard to find the time to blog!

Where am I?

Back in school..

Back on track..

Back in love with yoga..backbending

Back in love with life.

I am here.

I finally feel like I have my purpose again:

1. To be the best teacher I can be

2. To be the best learner I can be (on and off my mat)

I didn't realize how much I'd fallen for this Ashtanga lark until this weekend when my Mum commented that I was obsessed!

A weird twist of fate meant that I spent the whole weekend immersed in Ashtanga with none-the-less than Kino Macgregor and my shala shanti chums. Once again, evidence that I am truly blessed! All for free as people's unwanted places came flooding my way... thank you thank you thank you. Saturday morning, I was delighted to start led at 10pm (late for the Mysore devotees!).. I actually wanted to cry, overwhelmed with the excitable, energy and love of the room. I wanted to cry because I was there. I was breathing and felt such great clarity. Suddenly, everything was alright..dripping, POURING sweat, i melted into my practice. Practicing next to Helen made it even more special, I had unknowingly put my mat next to hers. Helen was there at the start of my yoga journey in Liverpool, when I first practiced with my first teacher, she even taught me when my teacher was away in India.

Saturday afternoon, an inversions workshop, was not what I expected at all! Yogic lesson: Let go of expectation! We seemed to spend a lot of time in Bakasana, balancing and jumping back (or attempting to!). Kino explained that when she always wanted to gain strength from her practice..physically, emotionally, mentally. DITTO. This is the first time in my life since I was probably about 15 years old (realistically) that I have not been glued to an exercise machine. This practice is about my life and building strength where I am weak, facing fears and accepting myself and others. And it's about understanding.

Kino ROCKS.

This woman is beyond inspiring.. meeting her I actually felt star-struck! And that's not like me at all. We are one. I don't believe in being better than others or celebrity..but hearing this woman speak, what she said and HOW and connecting with her so deeply; I was a goof.

Sunday, I practiced with my regular teacher and had a great practice again..binding Supta Kurmasana and touching (kissing!) feet! I am really beginning to like this asana haha. Then back to Kino for Second Series fun in the afternoon. Backbending YES YES YESSSSSSSSS. Can't not say that Bikram didn't help prepare me for some of the 'challenging postures' and I was willing to give everything a shot and think I'll be here in my practice one day.

It was a truly fabulous weekend.

Today. I. Was. Stiff!! Boy, was my practice a struggle..every vinyasa hurt! But I'm so glad that my teacher was relentless and made me bind my Supta K. I will not give in to that whiney child that lurks within that just wants wants wants now now now, that's not how it is. Finally, I'm beginning to see that. Flippin' finally!!

However, with a tube strike looming tomorrow morning, I think I'll stay in bed and have a 'lye in'..rest my aching body, and rest Wednesday as it's a Moon Day woohoo! Rest to revive innit.

Navel Gazing

I think I have started a post about three times this week, well, three times since the last one! I'm losing all track of time thanks to having so much of it on my hands. I *think* and the people around me *know* that I've been going a bit stir crazy 'navel gazing' (as Mel put it). YES. I am looking forward to starting work again..YES, I want long full(filling) days that wear me out and YES, I want to think about more than myself (and yoga!).

Let's put all this into perspective Jen (talking to myself YES):

You're living in London and you have amazing, wonderful, FABULOUS and inspiring AND supportive friends (all over the globe might I add), you have a job you love doing and in an area you want to make a difference in, you're young, you're FREE and yes, yes, you're single but you're only just brushing 25 (it's allowed!).

So, YES, you see you *should* be well chuffed love.

I am.

But i struggle because I'm one of those really annoying, irritating people (just like my mother) who's never happy..or rarely look like that they are (truly). I'm constantly striving. Constantly looking forward wanting MORE MORE MORE. If i'm honest. If I don't lie to myself and that was going to be the subject of another post..the self-betrayal, I am this kind of person. I want progression. Always. I can't bear to stand still. Even in my practice, I've noticed that I often don't finish an exhale before I'm bounding into the next asana. "Slow down Jenny!!" I can hear my Dad exclaim.

And breathe.

I can hear my Mum and Dad say a lot of things that I used to dispute and now. Now. They ring true.

A friend sent me this quote: “The greatest magnifying glasses in the world are a man's own eyes when they look upon his own person.”

This time I've had to look upon myself has been both wondrous and grueling.

It's clarified a few things for sure.

Bikram Break-Up, Breakout and Blues

My 'bites' are now just spots..lovely! My skin is rudely rebelling against me and I've morphed into a 17 year old girl again. Come to think of it, I am still that girl in more ways.. but not completely. I certainly would not have had the courage to stand in (teeny) shorts and sports bra and POUR sweat for an hour and a half IN FRONT OF A MIRROR AND A ROOM FULL OF (beautiful) PEOPLE when I was 17. I think I've expressed before that this has been the big challenge for me with regards to Bikram..as well as withstanding the heat and restraining my ego to not over-stretch! Looking at my reflection today, I felt a sense of achievement and acceptance. I suppose in my Ashtanga practice although rolls of fat might be staring me in the face in asanas such as Pindasana, there's not a constant visual reminder of every extra fold. My motivation to lose those is binding now not aesthetics.

Only 5 more days before my Bikram pass will expire anyway. Bye-bye Bikram..but i'll probably be back for more(!).

And.

Blues.

I still feel really quite flat. I don't know what's wrong with me. Yesterday, I was absolutely overcome with anger and infuriated with a receptionist who IMO insulted my intelligence! Completely irrational behaviour.

Today, I just feel flat..and I'm missing my Mum and Dad! There is that 17 year old seeping through again.

I suppose I just need to be living for something else (deep); a goal OR for other people..so I'm sure i'll be cured when I'm back at school.

Pop-a-blog

So I was saying to Kevin today over post practice Sunday dandelion pop that I should blog as it's been a while and I suppose a lot has occurred. I've been bitten by beach flies (or something!) and have a million (one exaggerates) bites that are itchy like HELL (one exaggerates), my body has felt weary, tired, sore..my mind; weary, tired, sore, my heart; weary, tired, sore. There's lots wrong with the grammar in that sentence! But basically, last week was a bit hit and miss. I visited my very lovely friend in her hometown and felt homesick..but had a very lovely time. Then came back to London to feel like SHIT. I went to bed. Shut myself away..which is the usual behaviour pattern. I suppose, as I was explaining this morning, I feel like I've hit a bit of a lull. I mean, I'm a very goal driven person (*official* definition of myself) and to learn that goals and striving are NOT conducive to happiness has been hard to chew. I'm also aware that with all this time on my hands during the school holidays, I'm spending too much time thinking about ME and not enough of my time is spent on others..in particular, little people. My class. With less than two weeks to go until I start my first year of teaching things will change now.

I've also been a shit person..said, done some crappy things which I regret. And I'm missing my family.

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME

Today's practice was great (non-attachment!) hamstring, shoulders and knees(!) better after a massage on Friday and REST last week. Funny that I was absolutely WIRED after a mug full of fresh coffee and charged through, huffing and puffing. If my body allows it, I'd love a bit of Bikram this week.

And relax.

And breathe.

Oh Elaine..as my housemate would say.

Unconditional

Willing to experience aloneness,

I discover connection everywhere;

Turning to face my fear,

I meet the warrior who lives within;

Opening to my loss,

I gain the embrace of the universe;

Surrendering into emptiness,

I find fullness without end.

Each condition I flee from pursues me,

Each condition I welcome transforms me

And becomes itself transformed

Into it's radiant jewel-like essence.

I bow to the one who has made it so,

Who has crafted this Master Game;

To play it is purest delight -

To honor its form, true devotion.

Jennifer Paine Welwood

Yoga Thoughts

I often have thoughts pop into my head during my yoga practice. Not always related to anything that day or things that are on my mind. These yoga realizations aren't always profound. But realizations nonetheless and they're quite important to me.

Yesterday's realization was that I'm actually happy with my life and who I am. Ahah. Is that contentment? Acceptance? Letting go of wants and needs? I tossed out a book of 'To Do in Life' lists when I moved to London. I think that constantly striving for more, for the next thing or for some illusionary pot of gold at the end of the rainbow was probably preventing me from just enjoying where I am. Same with my practice. I am happy with where I am.

I am here. (Thank you Mel and ALL my friends).

But if I throw away my goals..how do I keep moving forward? Who makes my universe? Me or the universe? The universe provides or does it decide???

Fear and Resistance

My teacher told me today that the only thing stopping me from touching my crown to the floor in Bujapidasana is FEAR.

True. I think perhaps five years ago (or less) I was a lot more fearless.. I am going to be more fearless. I think this sounds like a new mantra.

As well as this fear though, I think that there is resistance. Resistance to do more. Resistance to break the cycle. This is changing too! I discussed my right shoulder with my teacher and the pain from binding in Mari D..then just said "Right then, let's go for it." Noises of discomfort (of good pain apparently!) ensued. It has improved sooo much but then it's still bugging me. I might have to stop using my laptop to really rest the muscle....... EEK.

Okay, so practice was stiff and awkward yesterday and still a little stiff today but certainly better..and certainly more enjoyable. I'm bound to have 'good' and 'bad' days like everyone else. Even superhumans do..and I'm still human after all ;)

I think that I was resistant to go back to Bikram too. Although it was a positive first try, I wondered whether it had had a positive effect on me. In the words of my housemate, I was all "discombobulated."

But I did.

Controversially it was amazing!!!!!! The 105 degree Fahrenheit heat didn't even bother me today. I even faced another fear as I bared even more flesh to those mirrors and stripped down to my teeny tiny bra top! As I wrote about yesterday, something I could never have done in times gone and especially, in that room of body beautiful Bikram people.

I suppose I kinda like being spoken to by the teacher for the 90 minutes ..and the teacher's words today really resonated with me like my own yoga teacher's words did this morning. Let go to the posture. Let go in life. Don't strive for perfection, instead strive for excellence. She made this workout worthwhile.

I have since stumbled upon this quote:

"There is no way to happiness and peace. Happiness and peace is the way." - Buddha.

I suppose with regards to fear, I felt a lot safer knowing what postures were coming up.

The time flew by.

After my yoga stint I mooched on the Thames, read my book, watched, listened, observed, reflected.

I've just returned home to read this post from one of my favourite bloggists:

I know the author of this does Bikram too so I feel like I can connect to her more now when she discusses her practice. I already connect to her greatly in her words on life.

When in Doubt

SIT

I'm bursting to write this post before my thoughts are drowned.

Today was a funny old day and I knew it was from the stiff, PAINFUL practice this morning. That'll teach me for practicing on a moon day and BIKRAM at that! My teacher was not impressed.. Today was painful. Bloody Bikram's fault innit..it seems to have made me quite emotional. In this state, I can neither laugh nor cry but it's excruciating nonetheless.

After practice, I decided to go home and ditch my Bikram plans. Torturous and silly to do that when I was already aching.. Everything thereafter didn't go as planned and my mood dived. My friend that I was meant to meet for catch up and coffee was late and I was left in Liverpool St with me and my thoughts. So. I. SAT. I watched. I admired. I reflected. I spoke to my Mum. I conversed with dear friends. I made new friends. I became present. I came home to cooked dinner and a glass of wine. Where I am now. Everything is fine. Not everyday can be filled with dancing, some days are arduous hikes but then an exchange with a stranger can turn my day around. Dear, TRUE, friends old and new that love and accept me and *know* exactly when it's their turn to make me smile. Home-cooked food. Understanding hearts. Kindness.

Who says I don't meditate?

The Bikram Challenge

I've only ever really been taught Ashtanga, bit of Hatha and recently one class of Yin Yoga. Ashtanga is definitely 'my' (form of) yoga. I have for a while wanted to try Bikram yoga though and with time on my hands I'm thinking WHY NOT?! I LOVE feeling heat and *really* sweating and I already sweat A LOT during Ashtanga so I'm intrigued as to what will happen to my body when practicing some yoga postures in a purposefully heated room! Saturated is the answer. So after speaking to lots of yogis and yoginis this weekend, I decided to take the plunge and give it a go this morning. Having never been before, I can take advantage of a month's unlimited classes at a very reasonable price..cheaper than a gym. Which is how I'm viewing this class, as a non-spiritual exercise to perhaps complement my Ashtanga practice whilst giving me a good workout.

Okay so here's my honest opinion of my first experience.

HOT.

NOT EASY.

I didn't really find the postures difficult but breathing in the heat was..and I suppose that is going to be the challenge for me. I thought the teacher *could* have perhaps given some easier alternatives to some postures or the option to rest as I think for a beginner or an unfit person the class would be VERY hard. But in her defense, she did keep reiterating to listen to your own body and not to push if it wasn't appropriate to. My heart was racing after the standing sequence anyway and I'd consider myself to be fit! It was nice that she did note that she did have two beginners in the class and called our names so she was aware who we were.

One thing I particularly didn't like was that the sequence of postures didn't seem to counteract/balance each other. So after backbends, no forward bends to ease my back out. I did one anyway. LOL.

The HUGE bugbear I have with the Bikram studio is actually the walls of mirrors! Five years ago or less, I don't think I would have been able to mentally cope with looking at myself in those mirrors, my internal voice would have been so critical of my shape that I would have left the room highly depressed. Not the case today. I did notice my shape is changing though..especially my shoulders! &if I'm being honest, I'm hopeful that Bikram will help to reduce some body fat without having to go for a run or give up cake. The communal showers which I washed comfortably in also affirmed that I am no longer bothered about how my body looks. I have ACCEPTED..and I have LET GO. So, all in all, a positive first experience I think. I'll be back tomorrow!!

Following Suit - A Practice Report

So, I feel the urge to document where I'm at with my practice right now. Miss P reminded me last night over lovely dinner (thank you thank you thank you) and chatter that I had completed my first 6 day week at the shala this week. I further discussed with her that I was contemplating an 'illegal' Mysore practice this morning and Monday, being a Moon day would suffice as rest. That would have made my practice an 8 day stint before resting..but alas, I decided I needed the rest today and although I'm trying my upmost best to ignore/defy it, I do have a sore throat and earache! I'm boiling cloves in an Ayurvedic attempt to tackle it as I type..

Led class yesterday was AWESOME. The full series to the best of my ability. Great energy in the room and comfortable/secure enough in my spot to even try things I wasn't so sure of (like Chakorasana). I'd say my body, although heavier, is at the same level of flexibility as when as I was practicing with my first teacher in Liverpool and I'm much stronger now.

Okay, so here goes with how primary shaped up yesterday..and it's also a good way for me to start actually learning Sanksrit posture names (HOW long have I been putting myself in these poses and I still don't know them! Practice certainly came before study pour moi!).

Surya Namaskara A's - enjoyable and quick. Energetic. It helps that I'm not slipping on my mat as much. Who needs moisturizer anyway? My skin is self cleansing and moisturizing with it's own sweat!

Surya Namaskara B's - 3 for led, so not as taxing as usual. Internal fire well and truly ignited. My Chaturanga is always strong. Perhaps the movement up to downward dog could be smoother and I am aware that I must work on fidgeting less in downward dog. Especially, moving my hands, bending my elbows slightly (due to the hyperextendingness) and checking my handspan with my stumpy thumbs straight out and not curved and middle finger shooting forwards. As well as pushing my calves backwards and looking at my NOSE! There's so much to think about in this seemingly simple posture it's no wonder I lose track of my breath count! Thank goodness for led, when it's the perfect opportunity to have even more awareness.

Standing Sequence: Standing is where I'd normally get a little sketchy on the order of the sequence - but alas, it's not been an issue this week! Towards the end anyway ;)

Padangusthasana and Padahastasana I've always enjoyed but must remember not to see them as a bit of a rest after the Suryas! I'm still working on getting my head between my legs and concentrating on my weight through my heels and of course bandhas! Utthita Trikonasana and Parivritta Trikonasana are more stable than ever. Utthita Parsvakonasana and Parivitta Parsvakonasana are stable too but I'm still working on getting my hand flat to the floor whilst still maintaining the twist and LIFT in reverse P.

Prasarita Padottanasanas are soooo much better now I don't fear actually doing the splits! Again, working on bandha strength here to work my chest vertically down, whilst moving my legs closer in if it's too easy for my head to touch the floor. I always knew I could touch my hands to the floor with assistance in C -so, now I need to work on doing this on my own.

Parsvottasana, feels steady and I can touch my chin to shin but I am rearranging my feet when I turn for the other leg - should I be doing? It kinda doesn't seem to flow but if I don't then my feet seem too close to each other (the right from the left).

Ahh, now, standing balance. Utthita Hasta Padungusthasana A-D -still shakey! It's all about the lift, bandha strength and strength in supporting leg (and ankle!) innit. Now, Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana why why why have I developed reluctance in this posture! I actually fell over in this this week and just kinda ended up on the floor sat cross legged so it's really not THAT awful to fall out of. Really need to LET GO here and just breath into it without my head going "You're upside down, on one leg in half lotus, you're gona fall!" Nope, not going to fall. Going to get my chin to shin. Yes.

Utkatasana -thigh burner and warriors Virabhadrasanas A and B lovely jubbly, must be aware that weight is going through both legs and drishti is correct with my head properly arched back in A.

Now seated. Dandasana and then an opportunity to mop up some sweat on my leggings. Paschimottanasana A - C are a lovely little rest but shouldn't be seen as one! Should be concentrating on chest to thighs and getting the wrist bind in C..which is possible when one puts a bit of effort in. Purvottanasana -working on lift in my hips and touching 10 toes to the floor, head straight back. Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimotttasana, easier than Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana, but I need to work my shoulders down so that they're aligned and my chest is straight over my leg. Trianga Mukhaikapada Paschimottanasana, same thing along with Janu Sirsasana A - C. I still REALLY need to work on C and encouraging (eventually!) my knee down..

I'm working on binding at my wrist in Marichyasana A, B and C and WOOOO *magically* my shoulder pain has disappeared and I can bind independently in D.

I'm focussing on my lift and keeping my back upright in Navasana rather than worrying about straightening my legs - I figure, once I have the bandha strength for the lift, my legs will just float straight up! ;)

Bhujapidasana is strong but I still need to develop the balance to touch my head to the floor..tips anyone? Mel?!

Kurmasana is cominggggg! Must remember to flex my feet and NO FEAR. I can bind in Supta Kurmasana with assistance but instead of concentrating on this in yesterday's led class, I touched my feet instead (towards crossing). Which should come first?!

Then this is normally where I'd start finishing sequence during a Mysore class but during led, one attempts it all.

Now, I may have to finish there and analyze my ability to do finishing postures in another post ;) as I'm off to a Yin and Meditation class by my lovely housemate. Rest? Yes.

Love and Light to all.