Pathetic!

It's a terrible shame when one is rudely awoken by their alarm at precisely 5.03am to get up from a lovely, comfy bed to practice their beloved yoga and then one only makes it through standing before they lye down in savasana and GIVE UP!!!!!!

Grhhhh.

Suppose I'm just looking for some motivation/encouragement/empathy but I *really* wish I could be at the shala this morning..as I know that wouldn't happen! Instead of me getting a little warm, wishing postures away; I'd be dripping in sweat (in a pleasurable, satisfying way) not wanting my time on my mat to ever end... okay, so it's not always practice in those circumstances, exaggerating a tad. I suppose some middle ground would be PERFECT. Suppose I need more practice at self-practice and shouldn't beat myself up too much about it. Suppose it's only my second day attempting this and yesterday I DID do everything I would at YP. Suppose if I had the money to pay for a month at the shala I'd be there in a shot! But alas, this is my challenge to be conquered.

Now I have a chunk of time on my hands before I need to start thinking about what I'm going to wear for work today. Ahah, blog..let's communicate some of this frustration and then LET GO.

It's not easy hey.

There's no place like home

The title of this post is robbed from Miss P, after having read her most recent post about Yoga Place..which perhaps *could* be called 'There's no place like Yoga Place.' Fo sho, and I wouldn't even be there (perhaps) if it wasn't for Mel and then, (perhaps) I wouldn't have found this lovely home where I am now.

Gosh. So nearly a week since I last posted. This week has been pretty brilliant to be fair! I had an amazing few days with my closest friend up north and was 'signed off' from UCum on Tuesday, so now I'm *officially* a qualified (class) teacher (WOOP WOOP). Then Wednesday came the graduation ball. I had hoped to have the majority of my things packed for the move south that day but me being me, left it so I was just on time/slightly panicked that I would NEVER do it. Of course, I did manage it..after rather a lot of booze at the ball too. I often think that I'm superhuman in being able to do things like that..but I suppose it's now that I'm feeling exhausted and was probably running off adrenaline then. The ball was a perfect end to the year. I danced the night away without a care in the world that evening. Those times really are some of the happiest moments for me. Three hours of sleep later, I had A LOT to think about moving ALL my stuff from Carlisle to London. One wishes one had less things after packing them and now, anally unpacking them...

Then Thursday evening, I arrived at my new house and had a couple of hours to settle in before my new housemate arrived home. We stayed up a little discussing and exchanging music. I LOVE that we're both passionate about music as well as yoga. I am one content and GRATEFUL Jenny :)

Then yesterday I had an interview for some temporary work over teacher 6 weeks holidays (which I'm not paid for as *officially* my contract starts in September). I'm hopeful that the universe will provide. Wouldn't mind babysitting even..if anyone knows anyone! I just know that I need to make some cash to tide me over this summer. First thing I'm going to do when I get my first real wage is pay back debts, treat my housemate and buy myself some new specs. Then I'll probably be just about in the same broke position again until the next month haha.. I suppose it's not going to be easy for the first few months until I find my feet. Anyway, money bla bla..the universe WILL provide.

Now to the nitty gritty..my new housemate and house. J'adore.

I am home.. and looking forward to what seems like a mahoosive break from practice tomorrow at the shala! One may be a little sketchy ;) hehe.

Restfulness

I realize that this sounds ridiculous but I rarely switch OFF from the world. I rarely press pause on life and take a moment to myself. Myself alone without thinking about others or another time or place or fantasy. So, tonight I'm quite relieved and reassured that for the first time in a long time, when I was exhausted laid on my bed in this warm room, whilst the birds sang and my windchime gently tinkered..I SLEPT. This meant that I missed my yoga class as I still have uni work to do and going to yoga without having uni work ticked off in my mind generally leads to a sh*tty practice. I'm hopeful of a self practice in the morning though, especially, as I've just realized we're in a little later. I've also just realized that tomorrow will be my last ever day at the University of Cumbria (fondly referred to as Ucum by it's students). Strange, you'd think I'd be relieved to see the back of education..this year surely hasn't been without it's stresses and strains, pressures and anxieties BUT actually, I'm considering continuing and completing my masters in teaching and learning..if it's possible for me, then I see no reason why I shouldn't go for it.

One of my lectures today ended with this quote from Seneca, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end." How true. True for everything I can think of. Education, work, relationships..even tackling a new asana in practice. ;) So maybe although tomorrow is an ending of some sort, it's also the beginning.

Once in London, it's back down to practice..never have I had such a fantastic opportunity for new beginnings as now.

Breathlessness, Carlisle and Squeak

So back in Carlisle. Back to the hills. Back to boredom..haha. It's easy to find solitude here. I'm trying to think of this time as a retreat but really, I'm busy! I'm in uni tomorrow and Tuesday..packing and ball-ing on Wednesday and moooooving on Thursday. It's all go..and it's been leaving me a little breathless tbh. I've found myself *needing* to take massive breaths just to get air inside my lungs. I know that everything IS fine but the anxiety of knowing I have important things to do is a killer for me..always has been. Not that that doesn't mean I can't change that cycle. So, today I've decided that instead of focusing more energy on being anxious I'm going to remember and focus and keep RE-focussing on the fact that I'm actually very happy and that my life is moving in the right direction. SOUTH. ;)

This afternoon I met up with my very lovely and gorgeous bestfriend here and we went for dinner..we've really done this journey together so it was incredibly good to see her. She'd bought me a present and card congratulating me on my job, house and new life(!). She is one in a million. I'll miss her in London. She's also volunteered to help me pack up my room :) (the universe provides!).

I am thinking that I'll go to an Ashtanga led class tomorrow night..the only opportunity to before London and it would be nice to see the teacher there. I used to love Monday night practice and floating home along the streets at 9pm..which reminds me I MUST GET A TOWEL FOR MY MAT. I would use chalk in Carlisle on my hands and feet.. I'm so afraid of slipping in Prasarita Padottanasana!! I do find the squeaky noises my mat makes quite amusing though - not sure about the rest of the room!

That's me done babbling for now. Happy Father's Day all.

Made of God

I feel like I can't breathe tonight - over emotional and anxious, probably 68% down to tiredness. Suddenly, I have the realization that my final school placement is coming to a FINAL end..just two days left, one quarter of that spent out of the classroom. I adore these children so much. They are pure, sweet souls. As much as I am looking forward to a class of my own, I'll miss their smiley faces and charming, loving nature. They make my long days so worthwhile and work isn't 'work'..not that THIRTY four and five year olds isn't without it's hectic moments. I really am one of THE most patient and calm people in the world (I think) to find inner peace amidst that chaos..lol.

So, what's on my mind is that we, me, you, they are made of God.

Discussing materials with one of the children I teach, aged five, I asked what her face was made out of. Being sarcastic (which works surprisingly well as a teaching method and keeps me entertained) I asked "wood, metal, plastic, glass, skin?" and she replied "NO." So, again, I asked, "What is it made out of then?" and she replied, explicably perfectly "It's made of God."

How is it that a five year old can understand that everyone is God, the same treasured being..and we adults forget?

I use 'God' as a term for every living person and thing, which are and should be treated as sacred. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we could value ourselves and others in this way? Then at home-time today, I read a story called "Grandad's Prayer of the Earth", which I'd never read before and only picked because it looked quite lengthy..and having just delivered an RE lesson, I thought it looked appropriate. The story explains how Grandad tells his Grandson that everything on Earth prays - the trees, the rivers, the moon, stars and wind. EVERYTHING. When his Grandad dies, the boys feels lonely and lost until, one day he walks in the forest and hears the prayers and then he feels close to his Grandad again. I couldn't believe the complexity of spiritualism in a children's book! But my children, being as clever as they are, understood that everything prays because everything is God and when the woods whispered it was the boy's Grandad..and "everything was just as it should be" like the boy felt by his Grandad's side.

"A bird prays when it sings the first song of the morning
and it prays in that silent moment
just before it sings.
And the robin's last song at sunset
is an evening prayer.

"All the beings of the world pray,"
said my Grandad,
"as they slip through the forest
or sparkle in the water...
as they climb mountain-sides
or soar into the clouds
or burrow into the earth.

"Each living thing gives its life
to the beauty of all life
and that gift is its prayer."

Anyway, enough spirituality for Wednesday..

*Breathe Now*

INHALE

EXHALE

You are God. Amen and Nameste.

Mysore in the morning! WOOP.

I forgot how amazing peaches are..

Yummy. It's been too long juicy peach..which is the colour I'd describe my hair as now the red is washing out. I'm a different colour everyday -reflective of my wardrobe. I can't wait to have allll of it in London with me, living out of a (two) suitcases(s) is okay when the weather is warm (as I only packed summer clothes with me on the hot day I stuffed my case(s)) but not when it decides to rain or it gets nippy! I *could* wait..and I have, NOW it's time to retrieve my things (in a couple of weeks anyway). No hurry, no worry.. I have a couple of viewings of places to move into..both very different and both possibly perfect. Will know more when I walk in them.

Practice this morning was a very happy (hippie) one.. I felt strong and a little bit lighter than usual and almost never put my arms down after Chaturanga, which is sometimes where I give myself a little cheeky rest. My Ashtanga arms are coming along quite nicely actually..as are my feet! Mel assisted me in binding in Marichyasana D and said my tight (and painful!) right shoulder could be down to mouse clicking -OOP! Plonked myself in Kurmasana but didn't attempt Supta! It's definitely getting there through practice.. No hurry, no worry.

It will be very strange not to be practicing at the shala next Sunday but I'll be back soon enough..

Miss Perkins and Misalignment

My life not only seems like it's full of attachment but also full of CONNECTION. I connect with friends, lovers, strangers and little people LOTS. I am lead to believe that 'yoga' may be translated as 'unite' and with that in mind, Mel has become an instant best friend in my life. She is AWESOME. Maybe cos we are sooooo similar ;) but I always know where she's coming from and the coincidences between us are astonishing! And just as I wrote that she texted me. I love that I have such an amazing friend in London.. :) I am blessed.

This week has been hugely tiring..and I have been a little unsettled with worry about where I'm going to live this summer and finding the PERFECT place. Then the day I decided that I want to live in Liverpool St, I saw a place..hmmmmm. Viewing Monday.

Next week I'm back in Carlisle..which will be strange but also I'm really looking forward to seeing another very close friend (amongst others) there and tying up all the ends. Then I start my new job on the 28th for three weeks and *hopefully* move into a place. I was thinking today that after that I am going to be SO preoccupied with preparation for September that it might be nice to not work and really indulge in yoga and a kind of break. Oh my goodness, is it possible? Can I relax for 6 weeks? Can I afford to?! I'd love to dedicate more time and energy to my practice - and perhaps this is a really good opportunity. I've felt a little off balance this week so I have a craving..

Finding my Breath

Today was my first led practice at Yoga Place and I must admit that I found it strange and once again (as in life a lot recently), my patience was tested. Strange for the reason that I couldn't 'find' my breath until near the end of the practice when i didn't want to let go! This morning seemed like a struggle to maintain my breath and also, to get out of my head..so to speak. This isn't the first time this has happened to me and I realize now that this does happen during led classes and never during self practice where I seem much more focussed. Nevertheless, with perseverance and PATIENCE I got there in the end.

Perseverance and patience seem to be key to my outlook at the minute.. I do feel like everything is going to pop into place very soon tho.

Practice and Patience

Why is it that with the weekend I've had, I felt more balanced, more aware than ever this morning? My practice truly felt like my own - perhaps because I was closer to the front of the room and my drishti didn't wander (as much!). Why do I also feel like sharing today? Maybe for the reason of it feeling MINE and like I was making progress on my own and feel so motivated to practice. In fact though, today's practice wasn't the greatest. I have a few complaints; I felt like I wasn't warm enough (I had a cold night in bed so maybe I've got a bit of a chill plus, this morning's shower was the first hot one in three days!), my lower back is whimpering in pain (and I'm paranoid that that's my kidneys) and my shoulders are tense and a little sore. Having said all that our new yoga teacher was amazing and sensed my shoulders and massaged them down in a wonderfully soft and gentle way that was delightful! My whole body exhaled deeply. I somehow managed to miss out Utthita Hasta Padangustasana A - C COMPLETELY (which is an unusual for me to forget!) and Marichyasana A, which to be honest, is easy for me to omit. BUT I did do everything else with passion so I think that makes up for these accidental omissions! I even feel like I'm beginning to get Kurmasana and Supta Kurmasana - Mel pointed out that my over-extending elbows aren't helping me and I need to be careful with how I bend them.

I also managed to glance at the clock before starting this morning and I reckon the entire series (once I can move on to the asanas post Supta Kurmasana) would take me an hour and half. I think an hour self-practice (at home) in the morning is realistic. I always feel pressured by time (and distractions) in my own space - so maybe at home I could do half vinyasa instead of full ;). As frustrating as it is not being able to move on from Supta Kurmasana (as I know I can do the rest of the series), I'm going to conquer it. Like an obstacle.