Winter Blues?

As beautiful as it is, can it not be warmer?

November was a tough month for several reasons. Some that I've talked about on here...some that I've not. What I want to refrain from writing is that I have been really really down. I think I hit the all time low in Carlisle after graduating. My body was frozen to the core and it was all a bit much for me. The ending. The beginning. The not knowing. The (then) emptiness.

So I suppose I have been in a retreat mode.

Thankfully, I managed to get my arse out this weekend and enjoy myself catching up with friends. Drinking mulled wine and such. Lovely.

I have started a list of all the things I'm putting off doing (causing anxiety) and of all the next steps.

And I'm experimenting with a light lamp. Let's see if that helps cos honestly, I do feel a bit SAD.

When it Clicks.

And ahhh, blog TIME.

Let me recap before I begin. Last week, I was poorly. Energy ZAPPED, so weak, so DONE. A few days recuperation (and retreat from the world) cured that.

Yoga first. Practice last Sunday was incredibly exhilarating. Something shifted in my body, something IS shifting and I'm reaching new levels of deepness in postures and suddenly things are clicking into place. I am strong. You know those *special* days when you're the only person in the room and it's just you and your body? Nothing else exists.

By the time I got to Supta Kurmasana, I was dripping with sweat. Like, literally I was pouring sweat into the floor in front of me...and I *knew* that it was going to be the day I finally managed to bind my hands and feet in this pose. And finally, finally, it clicked. My shoulder clicked too. Exhilaration. Joy. I did it. Pressed into the floor, bound up. I LOVE this posture.

I think for me and for others I've discussed Supta Kurmasana with (Mel), this pose is so humbling. I also had to let go of a lot of fear. I have a slightly irrational fear that I'm going to break my shoulders but I *know* it's just a case of my body becoming accustomed. I suppose, my body and my mind actually.

Following practice, I had a lovely yogi breakfast and then toddled off to meet a friend. It was a beautiful day, crisp clear skies but sooo cold. God had just turned winter on. Hours later, I was having the most amazing (exhilarating) time with my friend and his friend (who I instantly adored too) when I realized my bag had been nicked from the chair i'd put it on in the bar we were drinking in. Exhilaration turned to fury...turned to despair. I couldn't stop myself from swearing. My mum threatened to hang up the phone, I was swearing so much. I was furious. Then the tears came. I struggle to cry. I can feel hurt, upset, angry and still, not cry. Then, something, something *clicks* and I can't stop the tears from rolling.

Thankfully, I stayed with my friend that evening (keys stolen). I was up early enough to pit-stop at the shala to sit for 15 minutes before going straight to school. I had called my colleague who brought me a change of clothes. I am so blessed.

In a way, it was liberating to lose my bag. To lose the things I *need*.

I am pissed off about losing my camera though. Bastards. Ipod and Oyster (travel) card too.

In a way, it's funny that the day I got the bind, I lost my stuff. Most humbling. It's funny I ended up in tears too after wanting to on my mat.

My body has been a little bit broken since Sunday. Nothing really to write home about but my shoulders have been sore and hamstrings have been niggling. Deep Heat is a dear friend. I've done a full 6 day week as well.. I was going to practice today but I couldn't muster the motivation this morning to do it. Plus, I think I need to rest. No, I know. And I wanted to blog. Writing this stuff down is therapeutic.

I have a weekend IN ahead. My classroom practice has faced external moderation this week and I want a weekend where I can do school work, buy things for my classroom and rest up. Hopefully, shift a lingering cold too.

It's funny though, I long for excitement. More. Ha!

Oooh, and my bag was retrieved. A lovely couple found it thrown over their garden wall and managed to contact me from cards I kept in my purse. Yes, yes, I am one lucky girl.

Sickness and Shadows

Okay, so I went out last weekend and had SUPER fun with my friends. Dressed as Twister (for Halloween fancy dress).

As my housemate would say, I chose life. I treated myself to a Bikram class on Saturday before I went, as I couldn't bare the thought of not practicing any yoga for three whole days (not that awful really is it?!) Bikram was really hard and I found myself resisting the teacher and being irritated by him. So I gave up, didn't put my heart and soul into and just got through the class. It made me late getting ready to leave London too. I don't think I'll be practicing Bikram for a very long time. I think each to their own but Ashtanga is my chosen practice.

This week has been a funny old week since. I couldn't practice Monday, as I am committed to babysitting one weekday morning each week. I could have gone to a friend's Hatha class on the Monday evening but after my day I just wanted to get to bed..and actually, my day wasn't too bad considering I really lacked in motivation (still tired from the weekend). But then Tuesday...bleugh!! I made it to practice after nearly rolling over, then blacked out a few times during standing (had to go to the floor to stop myself from falling over), then I did actually fall on my head in Bhujapidasana -sideways. Ouch. Think I uttered a quiet, "fuck!". Then got up and did it again...without bashing myself.

I had training that morning so I wasn't in school but then I couldn't shake the queasy feeling. I felt sick and weak. I was sent home where I went back to bed. My dreams were haunted by things on my mind and I was scared to close my eyes that night for fear of the nightmares. The most terrifying and most vivid was one where I couldn't breathe and my body was kind of fitting. I couldn't control my movement and I couldn't speak. Horrifying. Like I was losing control of my body but still present in my mind. I've suffered from bad dreams before when I've been sick - maybe it's fever which brings it on. In the end, I had a nice sleep that night but I didn't practice yesterday and I took another day off work. I spent most of the day in bed again but felt more lively by the afternoon. I hate being ill...it's a very lonely time. Nobody can comfort me and it's a real test for me to able to sit still and just be...without being too in my head, over-thinking situations or fantasizing too much. Ultimately creating more darkness for myself. Cos it's the distractions which make life more bearable...all the things we take for granted when we're healthy. Being sociable and having the energy, the gusto to get out there. When we're poorly, lust for life diminishes and we're forced to rest.

Although, this weekend was great. It wasn't without drama. Not that I'm shocked by events - just hmm perhaps, disheartened. I can't help but feel hopeless sometimes. It's normal. I'm not always positive. No one is. Shit happens and well, we just have to trudge along through the good and the bad...like when we fall over, we just have to get back up and try again. It probably won't be the last time I fall over, but I'm not afraid of falling now I know exactly how it feels and I know I'll survive!

I have so much to be grateful for. So much. I don't want to search for things to complain about because ya know, my life is pretty sweet and I'll be fully better very soon. Everything passes. Life is not without it's highs and inevitable lows but without the sun there are no shadows.