Self Doubt

Typical - no internet connection, so this post was written the old fashioned way with ink flowing from pen to paper. Often, the way I find easiest to write.

Since saying I felt stronger *TYPICAL* I've had a rocky week with me feeling most anxiety the night before an observation of my teaching. Hello self-doubt. And hello, the subject of this post. Why do we self-doubt? And I wonder, are women more susceptible to it? Most importantly, what can I do to stop believing in myself?! Readers...that one is for you to help me with please.

I've read (sooooo many times now) that believing is the key to receiving...and being able to give too. For example, with my career, it was only when I actually started believing that I could be a teacher that it actually happened. Only then could I start giving my energy to the children I care for. That's for them. For me, it got me out of an office I detested and out of a town that wore my soul down. The cost was 9 months of solitary confinement in Carlisle. Now, I'm working harder than I have ever in my life! At times, I feel more anxiety, more pressure and more frustration than ever too. Yoga and my lovely (spiritual) friends help to keep me grounded on a sunny path. Yes, I am blessed and this is the life I chose.

"The Universe provides."

However, there IS a teeny part of my brain that doubts that my most personal and private dreams will ever be fulfilled. A part that doubts that I'm the best person I can be, that I'm the best teacher I can be, that I give enough, that I will ever be loved like I want to be...that I'll EVER receive what i know doubtfully exists.

Stronger

Oh crumbs, chocolate on my keyboard. Never a good look...

So. Dare I say it? (Yes) I feel strong...stronger. Even with the million and one thoughts and everything going on in my life (which I will never fully divulge on here) and all the niggling physical ailments/complaints, I feel strong. Some days, some, I can just let the day pass over me, like a cool breeze. I manage to retain a calm, collected breath. A smile. A sparkle.

This week I'm aiming to get more sleep though. Last week, I noticed that London is taking it's toll on my face. Literally. I have thus, decided, I need more rest. That will be as simple as leaving a little earlier than throwing out time at school and being more productive with my time whilst I'm there. And also, ridding myself of petroleum based creams...that are actually making my skin WORSE. Apparently, they have a drying effect...so it bloomin' seems!! Adios.

Meanwhile, I'm counting down to a stroke of sunshine during the February half-term. Yes. Please. 19 teaching days left...oh no. I didn't just count, did I? Bad teacher :P

Close your eyes.

Wow. It feels like longer since I blogged...

Okay. So, I think this is the first time in 'that long' since I felt like/had time to think and attempt to blog about my thoughts... harr. Have no idea where this mental discussion will lead.

I moved! Woo. Amazingly settled. Great moving skills IMO *gives self a lorry driver clap* Sure you're all wondering what the hell that is... I'll leave you to wonder. Some things were never meant to be explained...just to evoke THOUGHT. Like this blog. Maybe.

Lately, I've been reading (again!) about the power of our thoughts. I can put this into practice/experimentation during practice. For example, my headstands have improved ten-fold by simply thinking "I am strong and balanced" when I'm up... More and more, I'm realizing that it's the ability to control your thoughts that makes you powerful and resilient. More and more, when a negative thought pops in to worry/scare/taunt me, I notice it and put it out. Yoga teaches me to breathe, let go, be strong, keep going through the good and bad days.

I've had so many good days this week. Tiring but good. Each one an adventure of their own. From the smiles of strangers to the kindness and thoughtfulness of my friends and colleagues, I have felt loved in London. Safe, secure and valued. I've never worked as hard in my life. A Tweet I saw a couple of days ago read, "work is love." So true. I do my best but it's a struggle and a joy.

Tonight I'm resting up. Ahimsa.

Moving On...

Finally. In life. In practice.

Garbha's going good. Only one nasty bruise so far.

And I'm moving house next Saturday. Looking forward. New people (and cats) to get to know, new things to learn, maybe something to teach...

I can breathe a sigh of relief.

Today

The day you don't expect it, you get it. The day you let go, stop grasping and give in to the great beyond, the unknown...it's the day it happens.

First day back in school. My head firmly focused on moving. I get Garba Pindasana. My calves have ached all day...

The day dragged at school. Kids lovely and calm. Not in the slightest irritated by anyone or anything. Just riding the wave of the day...

A man made me laugh. Really smile. "Great legs!!" as I walked past him, earphones only just removed. A sneer to myself and a giggle.. "at least I made you smile." Probably drunk.

A car ride. Paranoia for my safety turned into adventure. Hope. A cheaper place. Quaint. Two cats. Culture. I feel brave. I'll take it.

2011 On.

Catching up with blog reading this morning, it seems I wasn't the only yogi in bed before the stroke of midnight last night. I was tucked up for about 11pm with my ear plugs in (to block out the bangs of fireworks).

I don't feel so strongly about the impending year. I don't feel the need to reflect on 2010. I know there were great times and not-so-great times too. The important thing is knowing how I cope with life, knowing myself more and becoming more aware overall. I overheard a conversation between my yoga teacher and a student where it was said that maturing is a process of knowing yourself more and becoming more accepting. Maybe yoga accelerates this process? I think I matured A LOT in 2010.

Not all that grown up that I don't want to see my favourite DJ spin tonight at Ministry of Sound in London. Here's a taste of what I can expect (I LOVE SCRATCHING AGHHHH!) This is the Warehouse Project (which I went to a couple of weeks ago although this video is older). I don't think Ministry will be as mental as that...but it is New Year's Day! I can expect some very hyped up energy and lots of people out it. Heh. I'm pretty accustomed to dealing with that though (years of raving) and to be fair, hyped up energy is what I teach everyday in school.

I think I'm mature enough to not want to do these kind of nights all the time. Heck, I'm usually trying to keep my eyes open at 10.30 in the evening, not going out dancing 'till dawn. Those days are long gone when I had less responsibility and less awareness I suppose. I realize whilst there is a short-term buzz from being immersed in the music I love and the hedonistic vibes, they don't provide long-term love back at you. In fact, it tends to hit you hard when you go to bed the next day in silence apart from the ringing in your ears and you're alone, it's gone, it's over. Like Christmas.

But I do need the occasional night to make me feel alive. To revel in the music I adore. To celebrate life and let go of cares and woes. To feel young. To do my nails, put make-up on and feel a little bit attractive. There's hardly moments to look at myself anymore. Seeing myself in the mirrors at home in Blackburn, I saw I've changed. I'm 25. A strong young women.

2011 will see more maturity. Until then, I'm going back to bed in preparation for some serious sleep-deprivation

... You'd think I was being forced to stay awake for a week! It's only one night...and for my favourite DJ! Alas, mustn't get excited need some zzzzzzz.

Big love.