It's the season to take stock and reflect.
It's the season to rest.
It's the season to love and cherish.
It's the season to be compassionate.
It's the season to be creative.
So many words have gone unwritten over the past month. Oodles of ideas and thoughts have gone untyped. But that's okay...I'll start from here.
In Blackburn, sat in my Father's chair, using his laptop, the clock ticks, my fingers tap tap and the dog sighs. It's Christmas Eve. My past is all about, it smiles at me and haunts my dreams too. Old samskaras awaken. I'm glad to sit and practice my yogic values off the mat. My body doesn't ache. It is relieved. It sighs deeply too.
Christmas Day now. The clock bashes still.
How will you spend this day?
How will you show more love?
How will you make this Christmas Time even more magical?
Give thanks and praise to God.
This, we have been given the gift to choose...
Saturday 24 December 2011
Saturday 19 November 2011
No Yin. No Yang.
If every day was sunny, we'd surely complain?
It's the crappy days that make us appreciate those days that just bloomin' perfect...and almost MAGICAL. Moments of bliss teased out throughout a day of laughter, warmth, comfort...LOVE. On the contrary, the not-so-great days are grim, empty, void and can make us question our entire existence in their extreme.
Post a very short primary practice this morning, life is beautiful. The sun penetrates the carriage of the train and glistens on the metallic surfaces of tall towers that poke from the urban landscape. But the day before, on placement at a school in ever-so-dismal Dagenham, I wondered WHY was I here doing this? Why was I wishing time away? Wasting time. Ughhhh, wasting ENERGY. Both of which, are so so precious. I told my boyfriend at the end of the day that maybe everyone has days like this and it's 'normal'. Without the darkness we wouldn't know the light.
Change is in the midst. I just know.
(Brief) moments of discontentment can be just as enlightening as moments of joy.
It's the crappy days that make us appreciate those days that just bloomin' perfect...and almost MAGICAL. Moments of bliss teased out throughout a day of laughter, warmth, comfort...LOVE. On the contrary, the not-so-great days are grim, empty, void and can make us question our entire existence in their extreme.
Post a very short primary practice this morning, life is beautiful. The sun penetrates the carriage of the train and glistens on the metallic surfaces of tall towers that poke from the urban landscape. But the day before, on placement at a school in ever-so-dismal Dagenham, I wondered WHY was I here doing this? Why was I wishing time away? Wasting time. Ughhhh, wasting ENERGY. Both of which, are so so precious. I told my boyfriend at the end of the day that maybe everyone has days like this and it's 'normal'. Without the darkness we wouldn't know the light.
Change is in the midst. I just know.
(Brief) moments of discontentment can be just as enlightening as moments of joy.
Sunday 13 November 2011
This is Living.
Happier every moment I'm more aware.
Stronger every time I try.
More loving every time I breathe in.
More prepared every time I breathe out.
Stronger every time I try.
More loving every time I breathe in.
More prepared every time I breathe out.
Wednesday 2 November 2011
Having the Courage
courage |ˈkʌrɪdʒ|
noun
the ability to do something that frightens one : she called on all her courage to face the ordeal.
• strength in the face of pain or grief : he fought his illness with great courage
ORIGIN Middle English (denoting the heart, as the seat of feelings): from Old French corage, from Latin cor ‘heart.’
To be truly courageous, you have to be prepared to work hard I think; to have patience and persistence. You have to persevere through all the frustration, worry, angst, FEAR. Some pretty uncomfortable times are inevitable. You have to trust the choices you make. Like giving up my job. That was a pretty big decision and one that I celebrated. I had to have faith that I'd be able to make money to survive no matter what. I'm alive and happy! I had to take a risk.
In life, we have to push our boundaries to move forward, for change. We have to keep widening our experience. We have to have courage. We have to listen to our hearts and explore the possibilities. In doing so, we can only get stronger.
noun
the ability to do something that frightens one : she called on all her courage to face the ordeal.
• strength in the face of pain or grief : he fought his illness with great courage
ORIGIN Middle English (denoting the heart, as the seat of feelings): from Old French corage, from Latin cor ‘heart.’
To be truly courageous, you have to be prepared to work hard I think; to have patience and persistence. You have to persevere through all the frustration, worry, angst, FEAR. Some pretty uncomfortable times are inevitable. You have to trust the choices you make. Like giving up my job. That was a pretty big decision and one that I celebrated. I had to have faith that I'd be able to make money to survive no matter what. I'm alive and happy! I had to take a risk.
In life, we have to push our boundaries to move forward, for change. We have to keep widening our experience. We have to have courage. We have to listen to our hearts and explore the possibilities. In doing so, we can only get stronger.
Monday 24 October 2011
Space for me
Autumn fell suddenly. The leaves now shroud the ground. The sun dances between the spaces of the trees and dazzles my eyes.
My days have been busy. Long. Social. Full of fun. Though, I'm happy to be going away tomorrow to sit a 3 day Vipassana. I need this space for me. To grow. To re-connect with silence. To re-connect with where I am and how I feel. To re-connect with me.
Space for me is space for change, space for a new season, space to pursue.
My days have been busy. Long. Social. Full of fun. Though, I'm happy to be going away tomorrow to sit a 3 day Vipassana. I need this space for me. To grow. To re-connect with silence. To re-connect with where I am and how I feel. To re-connect with me.
Space for me is space for change, space for a new season, space to pursue.
Sunday 9 October 2011
It's not all doom and gloom
A friend commented the other day that he had started to read my blog and that he thought it was depressing.
Maybe that's partly true. I struggle to read back anything that I've ever written on here. Part of that is because I'm a perfectionist and I'm never fully satisfied with my writing and part of that is because it upsets me. My words are heartfelt and honest, sometimes it's hard to look back on my anxieties and frustrations without feeling sorry for myself (or myself back then). I SO want to move away from feeling sorry for myself. I certainly don't want anyone else to pity me either. So, I don't look back. I focus on what's ahead. Live and learn.
But hey, it's not all doom and gloom. I promise.
Maybe that's partly true. I struggle to read back anything that I've ever written on here. Part of that is because I'm a perfectionist and I'm never fully satisfied with my writing and part of that is because it upsets me. My words are heartfelt and honest, sometimes it's hard to look back on my anxieties and frustrations without feeling sorry for myself (or myself back then). I SO want to move away from feeling sorry for myself. I certainly don't want anyone else to pity me either. So, I don't look back. I focus on what's ahead. Live and learn.
But hey, it's not all doom and gloom. I promise.
Wednesday 5 October 2011
"He doesn't want to hold my hand."
Yesterday, I was sent to a nursery in Essex.
Observing a 3-4 year old little girl obsessionally follow around a boy wanting to hold his hand resounded with me. She moaned, "He doesn't want to hold my hand." I said, "Maybe he doesn't want to hold your hand." I asked the coy looking boy and he shook his head. I could see he was desperate to escape her advances but he was being tolerant of her persistence. I joked on my Facebook status: Story. Of. My. Life. This morning after practice, my friend asked "And how did you feel when you saw her doing that." I said, "Empathy." She said, "And did you not wonder why she was doing that?"
Why? We perfectly good women put our eggs in one basket? Investing our invaluable energy into one man who doesn't love us like we HOPE one day they might. All the while, they fly free, happy, content, eating their cake...smothered in love.
I've grown up from that little girl.
It's time to change that self-destructive path I understand now...now I'm 26!
Observing a 3-4 year old little girl obsessionally follow around a boy wanting to hold his hand resounded with me. She moaned, "He doesn't want to hold my hand." I said, "Maybe he doesn't want to hold your hand." I asked the coy looking boy and he shook his head. I could see he was desperate to escape her advances but he was being tolerant of her persistence. I joked on my Facebook status: Story. Of. My. Life. This morning after practice, my friend asked "And how did you feel when you saw her doing that." I said, "Empathy." She said, "And did you not wonder why she was doing that?"
Why? We perfectly good women put our eggs in one basket? Investing our invaluable energy into one man who doesn't love us like we HOPE one day they might. All the while, they fly free, happy, content, eating their cake...smothered in love.
I've grown up from that little girl.
It's time to change that self-destructive path I understand now...now I'm 26!
Tuesday 27 September 2011
Bicycle Lights
I'm cycling into the darkness
Into a black abyss
I don't know what's ahead.
But I can sort of imagine what's down there
What's coming up.
I grip on, sit tight and give into the ride
I breathe deeply through the fear.
Up, down, up, down, round
Over twigs and cracks in the surface.
Two tiny red dots I can see in the distance
I'll follow those faithfully.
Into a black abyss
I don't know what's ahead.
But I can sort of imagine what's down there
What's coming up.
I grip on, sit tight and give into the ride
I breathe deeply through the fear.
Up, down, up, down, round
Over twigs and cracks in the surface.
Two tiny red dots I can see in the distance
I'll follow those faithfully.
Friday 16 September 2011
Getting on my nerves...
Fear. It's what holds us back. Fear says, "No." Fear puts it's hands around your throat and stops you from breathing. Fear wakes you up in the night. Fear fogs your vision.
Fear of death, fear of injury, fear of disease, fear of loneliness, fear for loved ones... fear of living. Fear is a NERVOUS feeling.
I read somewhere that Ashtanga yoga activates the sympathetic nervous system (maybe this was someone's opinion rather than fact. But isn't that always the case...I digress. It was stated).
The sympathetic nervous system responds to stress by making your heart beat faster, raising blood pressure, constricting blood flow, decreasing digestive activity and generally prepares the body for fight or flight. It's a basic/innate SURVIVAL response. I can think of times during my practice where my heart is racing... I can think of times when I have felt afraid too. Learning to trust my body and having faith in myself is a lifelong process. So maybe I agree with the statement that I read to an extent. Maybe, though, maybe Ashtanga yoga builds up strength and resistance to Fear. As you do experience it through practice you begin to overcome Fear daily. Then slowly, slowly, in life it becomes easier to overcome too...and slowly, slowly, you become more liberated. More at ease with the world and yourself as you are gradually unleashed from the grip of Fear. Suddenly, you can do that posture too! Suddenly, all is possible...well, ish with time, patience and persistence. With practice.
Conversely, the parasympathetic nervous system, known as the "rest and digest" system, nourishes, heals and restores the body - counteracting the stress response. I can certainly say that my yoga practice stimulates this system too. Since practicing second series, I think I have become much more calm actually...but perhaps this coincides with resigning from my job and there is a correlation there too! Perhaps it is just the length of time doing a continuous practice, rather than the different postures.
Perhaps Ashtanga yoga activates both sympathetic and para-sympathetic nervous systems then. Perhaps, as in life it's beneficial to experience a certain level of Fear for self-preservation but slowly, slowly, over time, Fear gives way to STRENGTH and FAITH: the para-sympathetic system becomes more dominant in the body. Hence, we become more resilient to any given situation that is thrown at us (on and off our yoga mat) and equanimity precedes.
Fear of death, fear of injury, fear of disease, fear of loneliness, fear for loved ones... fear of living. Fear is a NERVOUS feeling.
I read somewhere that Ashtanga yoga activates the sympathetic nervous system (maybe this was someone's opinion rather than fact. But isn't that always the case...I digress. It was stated).
The sympathetic nervous system responds to stress by making your heart beat faster, raising blood pressure, constricting blood flow, decreasing digestive activity and generally prepares the body for fight or flight. It's a basic/innate SURVIVAL response. I can think of times during my practice where my heart is racing... I can think of times when I have felt afraid too. Learning to trust my body and having faith in myself is a lifelong process. So maybe I agree with the statement that I read to an extent. Maybe, though, maybe Ashtanga yoga builds up strength and resistance to Fear. As you do experience it through practice you begin to overcome Fear daily. Then slowly, slowly, in life it becomes easier to overcome too...and slowly, slowly, you become more liberated. More at ease with the world and yourself as you are gradually unleashed from the grip of Fear. Suddenly, you can do that posture too! Suddenly, all is possible...well, ish with time, patience and persistence. With practice.
Conversely, the parasympathetic nervous system, known as the "rest and digest" system, nourishes, heals and restores the body - counteracting the stress response. I can certainly say that my yoga practice stimulates this system too. Since practicing second series, I think I have become much more calm actually...but perhaps this coincides with resigning from my job and there is a correlation there too! Perhaps it is just the length of time doing a continuous practice, rather than the different postures.
Perhaps Ashtanga yoga activates both sympathetic and para-sympathetic nervous systems then. Perhaps, as in life it's beneficial to experience a certain level of Fear for self-preservation but slowly, slowly, over time, Fear gives way to STRENGTH and FAITH: the para-sympathetic system becomes more dominant in the body. Hence, we become more resilient to any given situation that is thrown at us (on and off our yoga mat) and equanimity precedes.
Saturday 10 September 2011
Lemmings
I vaguely remember as a kid playing the computer game, Lemmings. An internet search just now has shown me that lemmings are actually a kind of rodent...well you learn something new everyday! Over the past couple of weeks I seem to have been reminded numerous times how fragile life is and how easily, just like lemmings we can fall to our death.
On the first day of the Sharath workshop we had to travel by car to arrive in good time...it being Sunday and trains not running as early as weekdays. It turned out we took a few wrong turnings (oops!) and we were held up at a motorcycle accident on the way. So, in the end, we arrived just on time...we arrived. I suppose I've seen car accidents from a distance before but for the first time I saw somebody who had somehow fallen from their motorbike and was now laying in the middle of the road as we drove painfully right past. Paramedics and the police surrounded the scene and we could only hope that the person was okay.
Then last week, walking down a busy road, my friend and I heard such an incredible and intrusive THUMP. We darted around to see that a car had just hit a man on his bicycle. The first thing that I saw was the bike in the road. I just knew what had happened. In that moment everything just seemed to stop and all I could say was, "Oh, God." We had just crossed the same road where the man had been hit and now he was on top of the shattered windscreen of the car. A police car must not have been far behind as it was seconds before they came. There was nothing we or anybody else could do. The man seemed to be moving at least.
Finally, have you seen the film One Day? I don't want to ruin the plot for people who've not seen the movie or read the novel but let's say that I was shocked by the storyline. It left me feeling quite sad actually. It left me feeling like we waste SO much time living badly (or not really living at all!) and we waste so much energy in disputes, worrying, being afraid, not saying how we truly feel, etc.
Out and about in the hustle and bustle of the city there are so many people, so many cars, trains, tubes, bikes, planes... There ARE accidents. Sometimes we collide, people are injured and killed. Sometimes technology fails us and something goes wrong and there is a disaster. Worse, sometimes fellow humans INTEND there to be disaster to destroy and disrupt us. Sometimes, it's no ones fault. And sometimes, it's no ones fault but our own. I've lost count of the number of times I've heard the announcement of a train disruption as being the fault of somebody UNDER the train or ON the line.
When I was 21 years old, I lost a close friend. She died after being hit by a taxi. I wasn't there at the time but some other friends were. I remember the phone call to tell me she was in intensive care and that it didn't look good. I just knew that there must have been something seriously wrong when I saw the missed call from this particular friend. I rang back straight away, walking home after my yoga class. I was numb, I didn't know what I felt. I remained numb until I saw her coffin at the funeral and I broke down in uncontrollable tears. Suddenly, it hit me what had happened. She had gone and wouldn't live anymore. Whilst my friends and I graduated, got jobs, lived our lives, she would not. Her life was frozen at 20. She wouldn't even turn 21. Two months later and my uncle died and at his funeral I had a similar emotional experience. I was a wreck, my heart still grieving my friend. I couldn't cope with another loss. Another shake from Death. Then in the following years there have been more. Each time, I seem to turn away. I know I shouldn't. It's part of life. Life equals Death. We are helpless. We are at the mercy of something greater -call that whatever. We are powerless. We don't have control of the joystick.
It reminds me to be even more grateful. Every siren, every bit of news, every story of loss are all reminders to be glad to be alive and healthy. Glad to have more chances. Glad to have opportunity. Glad to have the people I love in my life and glad that I am here to love them back.
In this way, Death teaches us. I'm glad of that too.
On the first day of the Sharath workshop we had to travel by car to arrive in good time...it being Sunday and trains not running as early as weekdays. It turned out we took a few wrong turnings (oops!) and we were held up at a motorcycle accident on the way. So, in the end, we arrived just on time...we arrived. I suppose I've seen car accidents from a distance before but for the first time I saw somebody who had somehow fallen from their motorbike and was now laying in the middle of the road as we drove painfully right past. Paramedics and the police surrounded the scene and we could only hope that the person was okay.
Then last week, walking down a busy road, my friend and I heard such an incredible and intrusive THUMP. We darted around to see that a car had just hit a man on his bicycle. The first thing that I saw was the bike in the road. I just knew what had happened. In that moment everything just seemed to stop and all I could say was, "Oh, God." We had just crossed the same road where the man had been hit and now he was on top of the shattered windscreen of the car. A police car must not have been far behind as it was seconds before they came. There was nothing we or anybody else could do. The man seemed to be moving at least.
Finally, have you seen the film One Day? I don't want to ruin the plot for people who've not seen the movie or read the novel but let's say that I was shocked by the storyline. It left me feeling quite sad actually. It left me feeling like we waste SO much time living badly (or not really living at all!) and we waste so much energy in disputes, worrying, being afraid, not saying how we truly feel, etc.
Out and about in the hustle and bustle of the city there are so many people, so many cars, trains, tubes, bikes, planes... There ARE accidents. Sometimes we collide, people are injured and killed. Sometimes technology fails us and something goes wrong and there is a disaster. Worse, sometimes fellow humans INTEND there to be disaster to destroy and disrupt us. Sometimes, it's no ones fault. And sometimes, it's no ones fault but our own. I've lost count of the number of times I've heard the announcement of a train disruption as being the fault of somebody UNDER the train or ON the line.
When I was 21 years old, I lost a close friend. She died after being hit by a taxi. I wasn't there at the time but some other friends were. I remember the phone call to tell me she was in intensive care and that it didn't look good. I just knew that there must have been something seriously wrong when I saw the missed call from this particular friend. I rang back straight away, walking home after my yoga class. I was numb, I didn't know what I felt. I remained numb until I saw her coffin at the funeral and I broke down in uncontrollable tears. Suddenly, it hit me what had happened. She had gone and wouldn't live anymore. Whilst my friends and I graduated, got jobs, lived our lives, she would not. Her life was frozen at 20. She wouldn't even turn 21. Two months later and my uncle died and at his funeral I had a similar emotional experience. I was a wreck, my heart still grieving my friend. I couldn't cope with another loss. Another shake from Death. Then in the following years there have been more. Each time, I seem to turn away. I know I shouldn't. It's part of life. Life equals Death. We are helpless. We are at the mercy of something greater -call that whatever. We are powerless. We don't have control of the joystick.
It reminds me to be even more grateful. Every siren, every bit of news, every story of loss are all reminders to be glad to be alive and healthy. Glad to have more chances. Glad to have opportunity. Glad to have the people I love in my life and glad that I am here to love them back.
In this way, Death teaches us. I'm glad of that too.
Thursday 8 September 2011
Have your cake and EAT IT
Banana dairy, egg, gluten, nut and wheat free sponge
You'll need TWO of these.
Oven: 190 degrees C or Fan 170
125g Sugar 6 tsp sunflower oil (I actually used olive oil!)
Approx 1bsp Vanilla extract
1/2 ripe banana (or 1 whole small banana)
150g Gluten free self raising flour (I used Doves Farm -where you may find this sponge recipe!)
Approx 4tbsp water 1tbsp oil
1. Lightly oil or use greaseproof paper to line a 18cm/7inch cake tin. I used liner!
2. In a bowl (or a pan!) beat together the sugar, oil and vanilla.
3. Peel and mash the banana into the mixture.
4. Add the flour and water and mix well.
5. Plop the mixture into your cake tin and smooth over the top.
6. Bake in a preheated oven for 35minutes.
7. Turn your cake out and leave to cool.
8. Start again and bake your second layer of sponge
9. Once the first cake is cool, it's ready to smother in vanilla buttercream.
10. Once the second cake is cool, it's ready to smother in date syrup
Vanilla buttercream
2oz Butter (I used goats butter)
4oz Whitworths icing sugar
Big splash of vanilla extract
1-2tbsp warm water
1. Cream the butter until soft
2. Gradually mix in the icing sugar
3. Add the water and vanilla extract
Date syrup
A LOT of dried dates
Some water
1. Finely chop the dates
2. Heat with water on low and mix until a jam consistency.
3. Leave to cool a bit before putting on cake
When both cakes are done, carefully put one on top of the other...dust with icing sugar and EAT!!
Friday 26 August 2011
Sharath this week
What did I learn?
1. I have an overwhelming desire to practice in Mysore
2. There's nothing more SACRED than my friends/mat buddies/teachers and family for which, I'm so grateful
3. I can achieve more than I thought on my own -thanks to the support, guidance and LOVE from the above
And last but not least, something always worth remembering...
4. Asana is the foundation to a spiritual practice
1. I have an overwhelming desire to practice in Mysore
2. There's nothing more SACRED than my friends/mat buddies/teachers and family for which, I'm so grateful
3. I can achieve more than I thought on my own -thanks to the support, guidance and LOVE from the above
And last but not least, something always worth remembering...
4. Asana is the foundation to a spiritual practice
Saturday 20 August 2011
Lost
Over a year walking the streets of London and I'm still as lost as ever. I only really know the places I always go, the routes I always take, the way I always choose.
Nearly 26 years into my life and I'm still as lost as ever. I only really know what I've done, the things I always do, what I always choose.
Nearly 26 years into my life, I can see the mistakes I've made, my wrong turnings and yet, I still make them now. I can't help it.
Nearly 26 years into my life, I get to where I wanted to go and wonder WHY AM I HERE? Why did I come so far, for this? I'm disappointed. I'm tired. I ache. I have no energy left. I am spent. Someone hold me.
I look in the mirror. It's the body I know. I know the shapes, it's all so familiar. I know these clothes, they've adorned me for years.
I know these songs. They still have the power to make me happy and sad. Time after time I come back to these sounds.
This familiarity is comforting.
I know where I am when it's familiar...but otherwise, I'm lost.
Nearly 26 years into my life and I'm still as lost as ever. I only really know what I've done, the things I always do, what I always choose.
Nearly 26 years into my life, I can see the mistakes I've made, my wrong turnings and yet, I still make them now. I can't help it.
Nearly 26 years into my life, I get to where I wanted to go and wonder WHY AM I HERE? Why did I come so far, for this? I'm disappointed. I'm tired. I ache. I have no energy left. I am spent. Someone hold me.
I look in the mirror. It's the body I know. I know the shapes, it's all so familiar. I know these clothes, they've adorned me for years.
I know these songs. They still have the power to make me happy and sad. Time after time I come back to these sounds.
This familiarity is comforting.
I know where I am when it's familiar...but otherwise, I'm lost.
Thursday 18 August 2011
Sometimes Somethings
Sometimes in life it's easy to get frustrated with something when something doesn't happen the way or as quick as you think you'd like it to. To relate it to my yoga practice, Laghu Vajrasana IS A BITCH and I'm just not really getting the posture... I WILL, I'm sure...but it's taking time. Longer than I had anticipated. My thoughts this morning (kinda thinking about my WHOLE practice, not just Laghu) were, well, you know what everything IS perfect. GOT to keep that in mind. We have all these problems, fears, anxieties but if we just kept that simple thing in our heads then I reckon everyone could start feeling better about their lives. Me certainly.
Sometimes, some things take time. You have to build the strength. You have to be determined. You have to persevere. You have to laugh at yourself too. You have to REALLY want it and BELIEVE in yourself too.
Sometimes, some things take time. You have to build the strength. You have to be determined. You have to persevere. You have to laugh at yourself too. You have to REALLY want it and BELIEVE in yourself too.
Friday 12 August 2011
Backwards and Forwards
Sometimes in life, I think you have to go backwards to go forwards. And sometimes, you have to go away to appreciate what you have when you come back.
My body is aching. I've had a short stint in Ibiza. It turned out to be a short stint away from my life and also practice. I had ALL good intentions to practice but in the end, I was caught up in rhythm of Ibiza vibes. I danced. I laughed. I drank (a little). I slept (TOO little).
All that after my Vipassana course...I feel like I need to do it again! Ibiza sucked some energy and I don't feel like I'm tingling all over on a natural high anymore that's for sure. I do feel the pressure of needing to sort my work situation out...at least, be earning money until I figure out something more long-term, if that day ever comes. I do feel FEAR and ever so slightly out of breath. I do feel like my body has metamorphosed into a baby elephant on her yoga mat! By that I mean, my practice is producing more unpleasurable sensations rather than pleasurable... It's that CHANGE thing again innit. Also, there's a lesson in not practicing when I should be...
So, back to life. Back to practice. Back to the drawing board with applications etc. Searching the internet and my mind(!).
I'm home. Back in London. Back riding the streets on my beloved Roma. Back to where I was before. I think I might love this. Even if sometimes it hurts. I'm finding pleasure in my pain. It makes sense to do that.
My body is aching. I've had a short stint in Ibiza. It turned out to be a short stint away from my life and also practice. I had ALL good intentions to practice but in the end, I was caught up in rhythm of Ibiza vibes. I danced. I laughed. I drank (a little). I slept (TOO little).
All that after my Vipassana course...I feel like I need to do it again! Ibiza sucked some energy and I don't feel like I'm tingling all over on a natural high anymore that's for sure. I do feel the pressure of needing to sort my work situation out...at least, be earning money until I figure out something more long-term, if that day ever comes. I do feel FEAR and ever so slightly out of breath. I do feel like my body has metamorphosed into a baby elephant on her yoga mat! By that I mean, my practice is producing more unpleasurable sensations rather than pleasurable... It's that CHANGE thing again innit. Also, there's a lesson in not practicing when I should be...
So, back to life. Back to practice. Back to the drawing board with applications etc. Searching the internet and my mind(!).
I'm home. Back in London. Back riding the streets on my beloved Roma. Back to where I was before. I think I might love this. Even if sometimes it hurts. I'm finding pleasure in my pain. It makes sense to do that.
Sunday 31 July 2011
Vipassana
I'm desperate to get my thoughts down before they lose their vivacity, before they're lost in the ocean of my mind and the waves trickle out, disappear on the shore.
Vipassana blew me away. Quite simply, the course was one of the hardest, most challenging (physically and mentally) things I've EVER done in my life. That's quite a statement, huh?!
Foremost, before I begin, I want to say that by writing about my time spent at Dhamma Dipa, I hope that I'm doing something for the good...that my words are a positive force and that perhaps more people think about taking the opportunity to EXPERIENCE themselves a Vipassana course...at some point in their lives. It took me a year after hearing about Vipassana to commit to actually signing up for the teaching. So ultimately YES I believe the experience was worthwhile for me (VERY)...but perhaps only because I was ready for it. Many of the women disappeared, their meditation spaces void where their cushion and blankets once where. We didn't know what happened to those women or why they gave up on their efforts but I can understand and have so much compassion for them. I can only assume too, that it wasn't the right time for them. I wish those women luck in all they do and that they got something positive out of the time they spent with us. Working silently. Working patiently. Working diligently. Working continuously. I wanted to give in at times too.
Driving up in the car we talked about what we wanted out of Vipassana (*ahem* craving!). Where we where in life. What we thought we'd struggle with (*ahem* aversion). I was pretty quiet. A little unwilling to have any expectation, a little wondering if this was just another search for ANSWERS. A depressing, saddening SEARCH.
Honestly, I didn't know what to expect. I'd dipped my toe into meditation techniques. I'd began to sit regularly at home but not for long periods and mainly for the purpose of regulating my breath and reminding myself that I was OKAY at the end of the day. Things are okay, you can sleep now. Life is good. Inhale LOVE / Exhale fear. Two things I had identified as possible struggles for me were meal times, making do with whatever food was provided and also, not being able to practice yoga and in fact, a complete abstinence of exercise. Actually, in the end neither of these concerns caused me any worry whilst I was there. The food was wholesome and tasty (I'll discuss food further!) and as for yoga, by Day 7 I finally realized I was here to give 100% of my body to sitting (*ahem* definitely NOT doing dropbacks in the field to revive my spirit. Yeah, my back hurt slightly more after that. We learn from experience, eh?!)
Back in London writing this, I catch my shallow breath. INHALE. The city hustles. My mind's busy. I'm full of energy and exhausted at the same time. I'm emotional too. I held back tears in the car driving back down. Home. Home? A fellow Vip lady explained to me there that HOME was where you are. We ARE home she said when I told her I was missing home on Day 9. Missing people. Comforts. Home is coming back to who you are. We're coming home by coming here she said. Yes, yes, you're right...
The discipline of Vipassana.
Days 1-6 I was really quite enjoying DD. It was like one big episode of Peep Show. I spent time scribing this blog too...planning what to write. I wanted to write it all down. The running commentary was funny (I thought). Entertaining. Distracting. And I filled the resting time well. My cuticles have never looked so manicured. We were lucky with the glorious weather...I even caught the sun. I stretched out my aching back lead on the butterfly bench in the beautiful country grounds. I did a few yoga poses. I tried to relieve my digestion. Ahem, Days 1-6 my body was still adapting to sitting on my arse for up to 10 hours of the day...and things were not flowing so freely. From the noises I could hear of my meditator neighbours stomachs, we were all having the same trouble. I took joy in hand washing my clothes. There is something so satisfying about washing and drying your clothes on a dry day. So self-sufficent. Who needs a washing machine? Especially, when it's just you to look after and there's nothing else to do. Nobody to pass the time with. Talk to. Nothing else to do except things for you. I hopped over the bridge. I walked around the tree. People saw...they couldn't SAY anything and what did it matter anyway?! A bit mad...but they could see I was happy. I tried to lift their spirits. Not everyone was so high as me. Some were clearly having a rough time and yeah, I wanted to reach out in any way I could. I sang Hakuna Matata in my head... no worries. This could be heaven (for everyone) the internal voice sang.
Day 3, I had had a revolutionary sensation during meditation (which was one of MANY to come). During Anapana breathing I felt my body sinking and head lifting. The best way to describe it was that it felt like my head was floating and my body was under water and they were separating...my body sinking and head lifting away. WHOA. So THIS can happen during meditation? It's NOT just uncomfortable...sometimes PAINFUL, sometimes TORTUROUS physically AND mentally. NO. You can have these moments too. Alas, aniture ANITURE. Changing CHANGING. Unpleasurable sensations pass as do those that are pleasurable. I suppose I'm blessed to have had these sensations. Dhamma is good! I remember thinking I never thought I could experience such BLISS...such PEACE through meditation. Obviously, this was encouraging for me. I did work hard. Very hard. Our assistant teacher told me about Day 2 (I can't remember) not to be so INTENSE practicing. I was enquiring about the most suitable posture for me...urm, my knees are hurting, pins and needles, numbness, my back is pinching, is it okay to hunch or should I be sat up straight? EVERYONE was suffering...not just me. She told me that my posture was fine, work patiently and persistently. I experimented with my posture Days 1-4 maybe but when the HOUR long statue-like sit was introduced I decided on crossed legs and one cushion. My torture chair... I WILL NOT move. Creatures (spiders spiders! Maybe it's a beetle, one ran off my blanket this morning) crawling on my skin I'M SURE (it's going IN MY EYE). TOP OF THE HEAD. TOP OF THE HEAD. *tingle tingle* DO NOT move. I found a strength I never knew I had. Pinching pinching up and in my back. Now the pain's moving. Old injuries, old scabs bleeding. Legs...what legs?!
But I found an energy flow too. I couldn't sleep... I buzzed, body tingling and ALIVE. I free-flowed the energy and time-travelled to the future and the past. Then I came back to the technique when all that fell apart. By Day 8 I began to stick to the technique more...learning the whole point of this process, to stay IN THE MOMENT. Stay with REALITY NOW. However pleasurable or painful...this moment is TRUTH.
I figured out JUST how much food to eat...and what to eat too. I had to learn HOW to eat again leaving my belly a quarter empty so as not to over-fill too much to sit and concentrate. I learned how to APPRECIATE food again...really taste every mouthful. Morning times my stomach gargled crying out for substance. I loved the morning sits. 4.30am I was there with bells on...wrapped in blankets, like a baby smothered in warmth. The chanting the only music to my ears, I appreciated it and it sent me into a deep meditative place...shame I was so hungry, that was distracting. To begin with there was a lot of nose-dropping meditations (falling asleep) at this time but those slowly diminished and I relished this sacred morning-time.
I broke Noble Silence THREE times. Twice by accident...just plain forgetting. I said to a woman, "Excuse me" and then hilariously in line for breakfast a lady picked up the banana I was going to eat and I said, "I was going to take that." HELLO EGO. MYYYYYYYYY BANANA. Urm, no it isn't love...and there's a great big pile of 'em just get another! But in the moment I just said it! Evidence that I still I have work to do...and starvation makes you a bit like a hungry animal around food. The third time, maybe fourth actually, there may have been another accidental verbalization haha, but the fourth was a cry for help, for some kind of comfort on Day 9 when I said "I think this is the hardest day." It was a purposeful rule break and one which I regretted instantly...especially, when I got a reply of SILENCE.
Day 7 was Meltdown Day and the day when Vipassana began changing me and killed any doubts I was having about the technique. So it was 40 minutes into the group sit, I hadn't moved...I was deep in a meditative state, free-flowing from head to feet, feet to head. Suddenly, my lips start trembling, I feel a SURGE of heat, my eyes fill and I CAN'T stop from crying. I cry. I cry hard. In the room of 200 people or more(!). I can't breathe. I've ripped off all the layers, I'm sweating. I don't move from my spot (E4). It doesn't even occur to me to move. Moving is not an option. I could explain the other stuff as psychological tricks of the mind...feeling sensations when I myself could be creating the sensations but I really can't explain this massive physiological reaction. Shit, this was one big STORM. Sankhara release... I found out later on Metta Day (Day 9) that I wasn't the only one to have had this experience and a few even THANKED me because my release was comforting to them knowing that they were not ALONE in their rushes of emotion.
I think some of the teaching did depress me and by Day 9 I just wanted it all to be over. I wanted my FREEDOM back. I was trapped here in this place. Gongs...bloody gongs. We're conditioned to the gong like Pavlov's dogs... I was very negative. It rained. Counting down the hours...wanting to be in another place. Aren't I ALWAYS doing this, WANTING this. Never just being. Always craving...oh man, I am and oh fucking great even if it's all good in life it's going to change and BOUND to turn to SHIT. Aniture. And don't you know, you're alone. You're only ever going to love yourself truly. You're alone. Solitude. You're learning that lesson here love. Nobody is going to comfort you. Nobody is going to touch you. Cry. No hugs here. Save yourself from your own MISERY. Harsh lessons...and ones I was dwelling in.
Then on METTA DAY, a man approached me in the dining hall (some areas become mixed on this day) and he said that he thought someone should have comforted me during Day 7 Meltdown Day Meditation...and I explained all that NOT receiving any comfort was teaching me. And he said yes, I see that we come in this world alone and we leave this world alone but whilst we are here, we're here together and we're here for each other. I whelled up as he spoke. Sure. THANK YOU. You know, I think these kind words SAVED me...
I'm tired now. I'm going to TAKE REST.
It's great to be back to life (back to reality).
I FEEL SO PURE.
SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.
Vipassana blew me away. Quite simply, the course was one of the hardest, most challenging (physically and mentally) things I've EVER done in my life. That's quite a statement, huh?!
Foremost, before I begin, I want to say that by writing about my time spent at Dhamma Dipa, I hope that I'm doing something for the good...that my words are a positive force and that perhaps more people think about taking the opportunity to EXPERIENCE themselves a Vipassana course...at some point in their lives. It took me a year after hearing about Vipassana to commit to actually signing up for the teaching. So ultimately YES I believe the experience was worthwhile for me (VERY)...but perhaps only because I was ready for it. Many of the women disappeared, their meditation spaces void where their cushion and blankets once where. We didn't know what happened to those women or why they gave up on their efforts but I can understand and have so much compassion for them. I can only assume too, that it wasn't the right time for them. I wish those women luck in all they do and that they got something positive out of the time they spent with us. Working silently. Working patiently. Working diligently. Working continuously. I wanted to give in at times too.
Driving up in the car we talked about what we wanted out of Vipassana (*ahem* craving!). Where we where in life. What we thought we'd struggle with (*ahem* aversion). I was pretty quiet. A little unwilling to have any expectation, a little wondering if this was just another search for ANSWERS. A depressing, saddening SEARCH.
Honestly, I didn't know what to expect. I'd dipped my toe into meditation techniques. I'd began to sit regularly at home but not for long periods and mainly for the purpose of regulating my breath and reminding myself that I was OKAY at the end of the day. Things are okay, you can sleep now. Life is good. Inhale LOVE / Exhale fear. Two things I had identified as possible struggles for me were meal times, making do with whatever food was provided and also, not being able to practice yoga and in fact, a complete abstinence of exercise. Actually, in the end neither of these concerns caused me any worry whilst I was there. The food was wholesome and tasty (I'll discuss food further!) and as for yoga, by Day 7 I finally realized I was here to give 100% of my body to sitting (*ahem* definitely NOT doing dropbacks in the field to revive my spirit. Yeah, my back hurt slightly more after that. We learn from experience, eh?!)
Back in London writing this, I catch my shallow breath. INHALE. The city hustles. My mind's busy. I'm full of energy and exhausted at the same time. I'm emotional too. I held back tears in the car driving back down. Home. Home? A fellow Vip lady explained to me there that HOME was where you are. We ARE home she said when I told her I was missing home on Day 9. Missing people. Comforts. Home is coming back to who you are. We're coming home by coming here she said. Yes, yes, you're right...
The discipline of Vipassana.
Days 1-6 I was really quite enjoying DD. It was like one big episode of Peep Show. I spent time scribing this blog too...planning what to write. I wanted to write it all down. The running commentary was funny (I thought). Entertaining. Distracting. And I filled the resting time well. My cuticles have never looked so manicured. We were lucky with the glorious weather...I even caught the sun. I stretched out my aching back lead on the butterfly bench in the beautiful country grounds. I did a few yoga poses. I tried to relieve my digestion. Ahem, Days 1-6 my body was still adapting to sitting on my arse for up to 10 hours of the day...and things were not flowing so freely. From the noises I could hear of my meditator neighbours stomachs, we were all having the same trouble. I took joy in hand washing my clothes. There is something so satisfying about washing and drying your clothes on a dry day. So self-sufficent. Who needs a washing machine? Especially, when it's just you to look after and there's nothing else to do. Nobody to pass the time with. Talk to. Nothing else to do except things for you. I hopped over the bridge. I walked around the tree. People saw...they couldn't SAY anything and what did it matter anyway?! A bit mad...but they could see I was happy. I tried to lift their spirits. Not everyone was so high as me. Some were clearly having a rough time and yeah, I wanted to reach out in any way I could. I sang Hakuna Matata in my head... no worries. This could be heaven (for everyone) the internal voice sang.
Day 3, I had had a revolutionary sensation during meditation (which was one of MANY to come). During Anapana breathing I felt my body sinking and head lifting. The best way to describe it was that it felt like my head was floating and my body was under water and they were separating...my body sinking and head lifting away. WHOA. So THIS can happen during meditation? It's NOT just uncomfortable...sometimes PAINFUL, sometimes TORTUROUS physically AND mentally. NO. You can have these moments too. Alas, aniture ANITURE. Changing CHANGING. Unpleasurable sensations pass as do those that are pleasurable. I suppose I'm blessed to have had these sensations. Dhamma is good! I remember thinking I never thought I could experience such BLISS...such PEACE through meditation. Obviously, this was encouraging for me. I did work hard. Very hard. Our assistant teacher told me about Day 2 (I can't remember) not to be so INTENSE practicing. I was enquiring about the most suitable posture for me...urm, my knees are hurting, pins and needles, numbness, my back is pinching, is it okay to hunch or should I be sat up straight? EVERYONE was suffering...not just me. She told me that my posture was fine, work patiently and persistently. I experimented with my posture Days 1-4 maybe but when the HOUR long statue-like sit was introduced I decided on crossed legs and one cushion. My torture chair... I WILL NOT move. Creatures (spiders spiders! Maybe it's a beetle, one ran off my blanket this morning) crawling on my skin I'M SURE (it's going IN MY EYE). TOP OF THE HEAD. TOP OF THE HEAD. *tingle tingle* DO NOT move. I found a strength I never knew I had. Pinching pinching up and in my back. Now the pain's moving. Old injuries, old scabs bleeding. Legs...what legs?!
But I found an energy flow too. I couldn't sleep... I buzzed, body tingling and ALIVE. I free-flowed the energy and time-travelled to the future and the past. Then I came back to the technique when all that fell apart. By Day 8 I began to stick to the technique more...learning the whole point of this process, to stay IN THE MOMENT. Stay with REALITY NOW. However pleasurable or painful...this moment is TRUTH.
I figured out JUST how much food to eat...and what to eat too. I had to learn HOW to eat again leaving my belly a quarter empty so as not to over-fill too much to sit and concentrate. I learned how to APPRECIATE food again...really taste every mouthful. Morning times my stomach gargled crying out for substance. I loved the morning sits. 4.30am I was there with bells on...wrapped in blankets, like a baby smothered in warmth. The chanting the only music to my ears, I appreciated it and it sent me into a deep meditative place...shame I was so hungry, that was distracting. To begin with there was a lot of nose-dropping meditations (falling asleep) at this time but those slowly diminished and I relished this sacred morning-time.
I broke Noble Silence THREE times. Twice by accident...just plain forgetting. I said to a woman, "Excuse me" and then hilariously in line for breakfast a lady picked up the banana I was going to eat and I said, "I was going to take that." HELLO EGO. MYYYYYYYYY BANANA. Urm, no it isn't love...and there's a great big pile of 'em just get another! But in the moment I just said it! Evidence that I still I have work to do...and starvation makes you a bit like a hungry animal around food. The third time, maybe fourth actually, there may have been another accidental verbalization haha, but the fourth was a cry for help, for some kind of comfort on Day 9 when I said "I think this is the hardest day." It was a purposeful rule break and one which I regretted instantly...especially, when I got a reply of SILENCE.
Day 7 was Meltdown Day and the day when Vipassana began changing me and killed any doubts I was having about the technique. So it was 40 minutes into the group sit, I hadn't moved...I was deep in a meditative state, free-flowing from head to feet, feet to head. Suddenly, my lips start trembling, I feel a SURGE of heat, my eyes fill and I CAN'T stop from crying. I cry. I cry hard. In the room of 200 people or more(!). I can't breathe. I've ripped off all the layers, I'm sweating. I don't move from my spot (E4). It doesn't even occur to me to move. Moving is not an option. I could explain the other stuff as psychological tricks of the mind...feeling sensations when I myself could be creating the sensations but I really can't explain this massive physiological reaction. Shit, this was one big STORM. Sankhara release... I found out later on Metta Day (Day 9) that I wasn't the only one to have had this experience and a few even THANKED me because my release was comforting to them knowing that they were not ALONE in their rushes of emotion.
I think some of the teaching did depress me and by Day 9 I just wanted it all to be over. I wanted my FREEDOM back. I was trapped here in this place. Gongs...bloody gongs. We're conditioned to the gong like Pavlov's dogs... I was very negative. It rained. Counting down the hours...wanting to be in another place. Aren't I ALWAYS doing this, WANTING this. Never just being. Always craving...oh man, I am and oh fucking great even if it's all good in life it's going to change and BOUND to turn to SHIT. Aniture. And don't you know, you're alone. You're only ever going to love yourself truly. You're alone. Solitude. You're learning that lesson here love. Nobody is going to comfort you. Nobody is going to touch you. Cry. No hugs here. Save yourself from your own MISERY. Harsh lessons...and ones I was dwelling in.
Then on METTA DAY, a man approached me in the dining hall (some areas become mixed on this day) and he said that he thought someone should have comforted me during Day 7 Meltdown Day Meditation...and I explained all that NOT receiving any comfort was teaching me. And he said yes, I see that we come in this world alone and we leave this world alone but whilst we are here, we're here together and we're here for each other. I whelled up as he spoke. Sure. THANK YOU. You know, I think these kind words SAVED me...
I'm tired now. I'm going to TAKE REST.
It's great to be back to life (back to reality).
I FEEL SO PURE.
SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.
Friday 15 July 2011
Cessation
"Yoga is the cessation of the movements in the consciousness." (BKS Iyengar)
Every morning over the past few weeks as I sit in (okay, ON) the toilet before I practice (weeing!) I have read this on a poster advertising for a workshop... as well as being fascinated by the missing E from enthusiasm so the word reads nthusiasm. Wah! My mind's attention to detail is at it's peak in my life, I reckon - a common feature I notice amongst dedicated Ashtangis.
I suppose yes. Yoga is a numbing. But it's also an awakening and a delving into the unconscious. This physical practice does something that alters you mentally...and develops you spiritually.
Finally, it's here; my last day at school. I've learned a lot about myself this year. I've changed a lot too.
I'm ready for this new chapter to be written.
Every morning over the past few weeks as I sit in (okay, ON) the toilet before I practice (weeing!) I have read this on a poster advertising for a workshop... as well as being fascinated by the missing E from enthusiasm so the word reads nthusiasm. Wah! My mind's attention to detail is at it's peak in my life, I reckon - a common feature I notice amongst dedicated Ashtangis.
I suppose yes. Yoga is a numbing. But it's also an awakening and a delving into the unconscious. This physical practice does something that alters you mentally...and develops you spiritually.
Finally, it's here; my last day at school. I've learned a lot about myself this year. I've changed a lot too.
I'm ready for this new chapter to be written.
Monday 11 July 2011
Go
I'm not there yet.
Not yet submerged.
But I'm floating in the currents,
Feeling the ripples of a past life.
Analyzing.
Making sense.
Going down the same spiraling streams,
Then regretting it.
Intending to do better.
Work harder.
Become stronger.
Not yet submerged.
But I'm floating in the currents,
Feeling the ripples of a past life.
Analyzing.
Making sense.
Going down the same spiraling streams,
Then regretting it.
Intending to do better.
Work harder.
Become stronger.
Saturday 25 June 2011
For Real
It's the morning time when I have the greatest clarity of thought. It's the morning time when I have words that make it onto this page. It's Saturday morning, when I'm not expelling those thoughts on my yoga mat that they actually get here.
I have just THREE weeks of school teaching left. Exciting. I'm looking forward to Vipassana immensely. Vipassana means to see things as they truly are. More and more I'm doing this. My mind really only has enough space for now and what's happening today...of course, an element of the future has to be considered but I'm learning to fully enjoy now too.
Now... Now I've got all this great stuff going on. Mega things.
I have just THREE weeks of school teaching left. Exciting. I'm looking forward to Vipassana immensely. Vipassana means to see things as they truly are. More and more I'm doing this. My mind really only has enough space for now and what's happening today...of course, an element of the future has to be considered but I'm learning to fully enjoy now too.
Now... Now I've got all this great stuff going on. Mega things.
Saturday 11 June 2011
It's all waiting for you
I'm feeling pretty positive about the changes in my life. I'm thankful for great friends who are amazing support and I've been complemented for making this leap of faith.
What I've realized is that everything I ever needed has always been here. It's been waiting for me to be ready. Ready for me to access the strength, determination, will, courage to take action. Waiting patiently for the right time.
I don't know if I believe in destiny. If it does exist, who determines it? You or someone/something else? The Universe? But I have this intense feeling that everything has been working towards this. That life is falling into place. Again. Maybe it's the change. The movement of energy and new ways of thinking. I have a little buzz.
Who knows.
Less questions. More do.
What I've realized is that everything I ever needed has always been here. It's been waiting for me to be ready. Ready for me to access the strength, determination, will, courage to take action. Waiting patiently for the right time.
I don't know if I believe in destiny. If it does exist, who determines it? You or someone/something else? The Universe? But I have this intense feeling that everything has been working towards this. That life is falling into place. Again. Maybe it's the change. The movement of energy and new ways of thinking. I have a little buzz.
Who knows.
Less questions. More do.
Tuesday 7 June 2011
Testing Times
Since saying I've resigned from my job, I've had two contradicting responses. One which is of JOY and one which is of FEAR.
Funny, both can be experienced doing yoga. I mainly fall on the joy side... but occasionally, I can get afraid too. Sometimes, I still mess up and end up on the floor laughing at myself. Totally true in life also, I can do some dumb things. I think everyone probably can.
Mostly, I am excited to have quit teaching...well, my permanent position. It frees me up to do other stuff! It makes me think about the next step. It makes me go forwards. It makes me want to do/plan everything whilst I'm young and pretty carefree. It makes me think outside the lines...
Currently, I think my integrity is being tested. How much do I want this big change? How strong am I? Even the scared/worried faces...what about the economy?! The are you mad looks?! Isn't this what you trained for?
I suppose most people are money/security minded...and why would anyone want to give that up?
I suppose I just have to stick to my guns. Have faith. Inhale grooviness and exhale all the shitty fear.
I don't have any answers. Just questions for myself. I have lots of ideas floating around and not so much time to invest in them...yet.
In approximately 5 weeks I'll be a free agent. Then it's Vipassana Time.
Funny, both can be experienced doing yoga. I mainly fall on the joy side... but occasionally, I can get afraid too. Sometimes, I still mess up and end up on the floor laughing at myself. Totally true in life also, I can do some dumb things. I think everyone probably can.
Mostly, I am excited to have quit teaching...well, my permanent position. It frees me up to do other stuff! It makes me think about the next step. It makes me go forwards. It makes me want to do/plan everything whilst I'm young and pretty carefree. It makes me think outside the lines...
Currently, I think my integrity is being tested. How much do I want this big change? How strong am I? Even the scared/worried faces...what about the economy?! The are you mad looks?! Isn't this what you trained for?
I suppose most people are money/security minded...and why would anyone want to give that up?
I suppose I just have to stick to my guns. Have faith. Inhale grooviness and exhale all the shitty fear.
I don't have any answers. Just questions for myself. I have lots of ideas floating around and not so much time to invest in them...yet.
In approximately 5 weeks I'll be a free agent. Then it's Vipassana Time.
Sunday 5 June 2011
Passing the Time
We laugh. We play. We sing.
We do all the things we want.
We live life fully, even recklessly at times!
We're fearless. We try new things.
We discuss. We work it out and learn.
We listen and we offer advice.
We're easy, kind and thoughtful.
We share all we have to give.
We're a great team and real friends.
We're open, honest and true.
We practice, practice, practice.
We're glad in all that we do.
We're just passing the time.
Passing it well.
Passing it creatively.
We're fun.
Saturday 28 May 2011
Setting aside my marigolds...
I was warned that MOST people who start second series give up their jobs...and what do you know, this week I handed in my resignation. How can I explain this seemingly crazy decision? My yoga teacher gave me the best possible simile, "It's like trying to clean a house that's too dirty." I'm scrubbing away but the more I scrub, the more people keep coming in with their dirty feet. It's gotten to the point where I've given up wanting to clean anymore and that's when I have to leave.
Slightly worryingly perhaps, I'm not sure I want to continue in any educational environment. I don't want to spend my days disciplining children and I'm not sure the high energy setting is good for me. More and more, I prefer quiet places. Places where people are calm and the pace of life is slower. Maybe I need to move out of London! Maybe I need to work for myself. But doing what? Hilariously, I've no concrete plans... not that there is ever such a thing as a concrete plan.
I know this:
I need inspiration.
I need to feel motivated.
I need to feel work provides joy.
I need to learn.
I've never continued with anything I thought had had it's time. I've never been one to settle for second best. I have always be one to aspire. To keep looking forward. To keep looking at the sun. To keep dreaming.
I used to be afraid. I used to not say it, hold back, don't do it, don't risk it.
Now, I've let go of the fear. Life is too short to hold back. I'm saying yes. I'm trying at everything. I'm being powerful and using my strength. I'm making (intelligent) choices. I'm being self-sufficient. I'm saying it if I want to. The gloves are off.
Slightly worryingly perhaps, I'm not sure I want to continue in any educational environment. I don't want to spend my days disciplining children and I'm not sure the high energy setting is good for me. More and more, I prefer quiet places. Places where people are calm and the pace of life is slower. Maybe I need to move out of London! Maybe I need to work for myself. But doing what? Hilariously, I've no concrete plans... not that there is ever such a thing as a concrete plan.
I know this:
I need inspiration.
I need to feel motivated.
I need to feel work provides joy.
I need to learn.
I've never continued with anything I thought had had it's time. I've never been one to settle for second best. I have always be one to aspire. To keep looking forward. To keep looking at the sun. To keep dreaming.
I used to be afraid. I used to not say it, hold back, don't do it, don't risk it.
Now, I've let go of the fear. Life is too short to hold back. I'm saying yes. I'm trying at everything. I'm being powerful and using my strength. I'm making (intelligent) choices. I'm being self-sufficient. I'm saying it if I want to. The gloves are off.
Wednesday 25 May 2011
Making the commitment
So it seems I lack commitment. Commitment to anyone and anything as well as commitment to coming up from my drop backs currently! I'm still kinda swimming up from the floor...using my strength and limited flexibility with a sore left side - intercostal muscles and hamstring now! Something's lacking, commitment and maybe something's stopping me, fear. Maybe I'll be brave and throw myself into the unknown. Maybe I'm over-tired but my tears say follow your heart...do what you know is right. Commit. Be courageous. Do it, even though it's hard and sometimes...scary.
Sunday 22 May 2011
Just be happy...
There's no point trying to work it out. There is no formula. No plan. No control. Sometimes it's just what it is. The magic trick is being able to accept that. But you have to go for it with an open heart, a pinch of naivety, child-like eyes and there's always a risk too. You just never know when you'll feel negativity next. Today, tonight, tomorrow? But you could feel fantastic too. The day might surprise you, you might learn something new, you might change, you might grow and become even more aware. You might lose your mind and just be.
Tuesday 17 May 2011
East
Traveling in the wrong direction on the tube - it MUST be a Moon Day.
I feel weary and yet every stride takes me powerfully forward regardless. Every few minutes I am forced to take a deep breath and exhale fully - I feel the pain in my chest. The ripping. The hurting.
I'm injured.
I'm sure it won't take long to heal but it's a horrible experience. Every breath, pain.
No hurry. No worry. I'm reminded. Slow down. I should be relieved...no chaturanga, no lifts, slow slow deep (painful) breaths.
My front intercostals are pulled/torn. It's happened before but never this severely.
Now, here I am where I started when I went in the wrong direction. I wonder what today will bring. Every day, a blizzard of events. No wonder the mind can become foggy.
Where are you? What are you doing or thinking?
If I had more time to write, I'd tell you that I'm always both bemused and amazing.
I love this.
London, stimulate.
I feel weary and yet every stride takes me powerfully forward regardless. Every few minutes I am forced to take a deep breath and exhale fully - I feel the pain in my chest. The ripping. The hurting.
I'm injured.
I'm sure it won't take long to heal but it's a horrible experience. Every breath, pain.
No hurry. No worry. I'm reminded. Slow down. I should be relieved...no chaturanga, no lifts, slow slow deep (painful) breaths.
My front intercostals are pulled/torn. It's happened before but never this severely.
Now, here I am where I started when I went in the wrong direction. I wonder what today will bring. Every day, a blizzard of events. No wonder the mind can become foggy.
Where are you? What are you doing or thinking?
If I had more time to write, I'd tell you that I'm always both bemused and amazing.
I love this.
London, stimulate.
Friday 13 May 2011
What the Ashtanga Primary Series does to you...
Facing yourself... It's like facing yourself. Literally. Physically, emotionally, mentally skin to skin, eye to eye, sweat to teardrops with all there always will be. You. God. A Supreme Being.
I'm about to make major changes in my life...and it's exciting. The more I say it, the more glee I feel. The more I know it's right.
I know who I am now. I know who I was. I know who I want to be... I know I need you too and the Universe will provide every good thought, cat to stroke and hug to help me along the way. I'm doing all the things I've been putting off. All the things that scare me. I'm out there. Fearless.
I'm about to make major changes in my life...and it's exciting. The more I say it, the more glee I feel. The more I know it's right.
I know who I am now. I know who I was. I know who I want to be... I know I need you too and the Universe will provide every good thought, cat to stroke and hug to help me along the way. I'm doing all the things I've been putting off. All the things that scare me. I'm out there. Fearless.
Friday 6 May 2011
Action Cures Fear
When suppressed in wonder, I can come to this blog and share some thoughts...here's a few.
Lots going on recently. Maybe I should have been sitting a bit more. The impromptu ones are better than regular slots I find, otherwise I get stressed about making time to sit and really it shouldn't CAUSE (more) stress.
In practice this week my body's felt super slugglish, heavy and stiff. WAH...not moaning, just an observation. I've been eating tonnes too...which could be related to anxiety levels but I reckon, also to changes in my body. Though, I must admit I've been a little bit lazy of late...defo not giving that extra 2% effort everyday (as Kino I recall advising). To be honest, having numerous different teachers the past couple of months has been interesting and fun but I'm really looking forward to having my regular teacher back. She knows me, she knows my body and she's my teacher. And she won't let me slack.
I have been through this whole questioning process of asana too. Just feeling like none of it really matters...yarr, it can feel good, look amazing, leave you with an increased sense of awareness/of being but I just felt like it was all a means to an end. Bodily play. Quite depressive and negative. Maybe I was losing faith in the discipline? The 4.28am get ups are hardcore but you get used to them and then I suppose there is undoubtedly going to be a point when you reassess and ask yourself WHY you're doing this again? How does this practice help my life? No need to answer that. I feel like everything I've experienced and learned so far has been leading to this point where I take action and silence my fear.
I will never stop learning. Everyday, every second, every moment is a chance to learn something new.
Oooh and PS. My favourite posture at the minute
(not me ;) )
Lots going on recently. Maybe I should have been sitting a bit more. The impromptu ones are better than regular slots I find, otherwise I get stressed about making time to sit and really it shouldn't CAUSE (more) stress.
In practice this week my body's felt super slugglish, heavy and stiff. WAH...not moaning, just an observation. I've been eating tonnes too...which could be related to anxiety levels but I reckon, also to changes in my body. Though, I must admit I've been a little bit lazy of late...defo not giving that extra 2% effort everyday (as Kino I recall advising). To be honest, having numerous different teachers the past couple of months has been interesting and fun but I'm really looking forward to having my regular teacher back. She knows me, she knows my body and she's my teacher. And she won't let me slack.
I have been through this whole questioning process of asana too. Just feeling like none of it really matters...yarr, it can feel good, look amazing, leave you with an increased sense of awareness/of being but I just felt like it was all a means to an end. Bodily play. Quite depressive and negative. Maybe I was losing faith in the discipline? The 4.28am get ups are hardcore but you get used to them and then I suppose there is undoubtedly going to be a point when you reassess and ask yourself WHY you're doing this again? How does this practice help my life? No need to answer that. I feel like everything I've experienced and learned so far has been leading to this point where I take action and silence my fear.
I will never stop learning. Everyday, every second, every moment is a chance to learn something new.
Oooh and PS. My favourite posture at the minute
(not me ;) )
Sunday 24 April 2011
Making Friends
A tap on the shoulder.
"Hey, I was sat next to you on the tube this morning..."
It's one of those uncanny coincidences! I was sat next to this woman on the tube on my way to Primrose Hill to practice this morning and now here we are 7 hours later bumping into each other boarding the escalator at Liverpool Street. In fact, the same happened to me yesterday when I stopped to speak to a couple riding through Victoria Park on my beloved new bike, Roma. On my way to Bethnal Green the woman complimented me on my helmet and asked where I had got it. I noted that they both had similar bikes to me. Hours later on my way back, the couple rode past me whilst I sat and basked in the sun, observing the view from the park. "Hey, nice bike," he said, "...you're the girl we saw earlier!" And we laughed.
London can be so random like that. Of all the people, it's possible to bump into each other again and even make friends. I can think of my lovely French friend as an example, whom I met on a bus back from Brixton one morning. When I think about it, now...my BEST friends, I have met in the most random ways. Lovers too. So maybe it's not just London. It's just how things happen, if you allow it. If you're open to making new friends, putting effort into conversation and you're interested in sharing experience.
I'm pretty much that type of person to make friends with you.
"Hey, I was sat next to you on the tube this morning..."
It's one of those uncanny coincidences! I was sat next to this woman on the tube on my way to Primrose Hill to practice this morning and now here we are 7 hours later bumping into each other boarding the escalator at Liverpool Street. In fact, the same happened to me yesterday when I stopped to speak to a couple riding through Victoria Park on my beloved new bike, Roma. On my way to Bethnal Green the woman complimented me on my helmet and asked where I had got it. I noted that they both had similar bikes to me. Hours later on my way back, the couple rode past me whilst I sat and basked in the sun, observing the view from the park. "Hey, nice bike," he said, "...you're the girl we saw earlier!" And we laughed.
London can be so random like that. Of all the people, it's possible to bump into each other again and even make friends. I can think of my lovely French friend as an example, whom I met on a bus back from Brixton one morning. When I think about it, now...my BEST friends, I have met in the most random ways. Lovers too. So maybe it's not just London. It's just how things happen, if you allow it. If you're open to making new friends, putting effort into conversation and you're interested in sharing experience.
I'm pretty much that type of person to make friends with you.
Saturday 23 April 2011
The Best
There are some people you meet in life who think that they have it the BEST way. "Oh, you must try this. Do this. Do that...but you want this, don't you?" People write books, write BLOGS, magazines >>>the ENTIRE media.
In yoga, over the past couple of months whilst my regular teacher has been on maternity, I've been taught by many different teachers and hence, taught different ways. I've been told to focus on different aspects. I've been assisted through various means.
What I realize now is that there is no BEST way. No ideal. There is, actually, only what works for you. Through trying you learn, "Practice, practice, practice" comes to mind.
Truly the only way to learn is to EXPERIENCE.
This morning, over fresh coffee and eggs I discussed men, friends and family and how for every individual these relationships are different. Who can say what is the perfect relationship? Perfection a subjective term. For me, it is my choice.Things are either perfect or a conscious effort of change must take place. Change is (after all) the ONLY constant of life.
This moment, sat writing this post can be perfect but it will undoubtedly not last, nor can is ever be recreated. I could take a photograph or write it down but that would only capture an essence of the perfection of the moment.
So can the same be said of feelings. I can feel wondrously happy and I may never be able to convey my joy so much that you can understand. Vice-versa if I was down.
In life, we feel, touch, taste...experience moments. We learn and we evolve.
We each make the best from that.
In yoga, over the past couple of months whilst my regular teacher has been on maternity, I've been taught by many different teachers and hence, taught different ways. I've been told to focus on different aspects. I've been assisted through various means.
What I realize now is that there is no BEST way. No ideal. There is, actually, only what works for you. Through trying you learn, "Practice, practice, practice" comes to mind.
Truly the only way to learn is to EXPERIENCE.
This morning, over fresh coffee and eggs I discussed men, friends and family and how for every individual these relationships are different. Who can say what is the perfect relationship? Perfection a subjective term. For me, it is my choice.Things are either perfect or a conscious effort of change must take place. Change is (after all) the ONLY constant of life.
This moment, sat writing this post can be perfect but it will undoubtedly not last, nor can is ever be recreated. I could take a photograph or write it down but that would only capture an essence of the perfection of the moment.
So can the same be said of feelings. I can feel wondrously happy and I may never be able to convey my joy so much that you can understand. Vice-versa if I was down.
In life, we feel, touch, taste...experience moments. We learn and we evolve.
We each make the best from that.
Tuesday 19 April 2011
Baking a Cake
I remember when I first moved to London, I threw out a "Book of Dreams." It was literally called this. Inside there were life lists. These were lists of wishes and wants. They were sporadically written and ranged over years. They were never very descriptive - but they acted as simple reminders of important goals.
I threw out the book in disgust with myself that I could be so selfish. That I could be so driven by my own personal success. One of those big dreams must have been 'teacher'. But now I'm here. I'm it. And you know, mostly it doesn't feel like I'm living the dream...
During post practice discussion with my lovely shala friends this morning we discussed progression onto second series. I know it's inevitable for me soon and after the workshop on Sunday, I know that the postures are accessible to me. But putting my foot behind my head, back bending, balancing on my forearms etc alone are not going to be the ingredients in my life to bake sweet success, happiness, contentment, all that. It's just another stage. The next baby step to greater control of my physical body and mind.
The shift to second series will mean nothing. It will not be a life changing event when more postures are added to my practice (and it becomes longer and harder!). As I commented earlier this week in conversation, "Practice is a means to an end." There is no destination. It just helps. Asana helps me to focus my mind through channelling the energy in the movement of my body. Practice provides a constant challenge whilst helping me to bring a sense of peace and calm to my life. It serves as a seatbelt when the motions of life are turbulent. The same can be said for meditation.
To even begin to form an understanding of how to bring more sweet stuff to life, I believe you have to look beyond posture work and deep into the depths of your mind. There, is the beauty of yoga and living. And it's the best cake you've ever tasted.
I threw out the book in disgust with myself that I could be so selfish. That I could be so driven by my own personal success. One of those big dreams must have been 'teacher'. But now I'm here. I'm it. And you know, mostly it doesn't feel like I'm living the dream...
During post practice discussion with my lovely shala friends this morning we discussed progression onto second series. I know it's inevitable for me soon and after the workshop on Sunday, I know that the postures are accessible to me. But putting my foot behind my head, back bending, balancing on my forearms etc alone are not going to be the ingredients in my life to bake sweet success, happiness, contentment, all that. It's just another stage. The next baby step to greater control of my physical body and mind.
The shift to second series will mean nothing. It will not be a life changing event when more postures are added to my practice (and it becomes longer and harder!). As I commented earlier this week in conversation, "Practice is a means to an end." There is no destination. It just helps. Asana helps me to focus my mind through channelling the energy in the movement of my body. Practice provides a constant challenge whilst helping me to bring a sense of peace and calm to my life. It serves as a seatbelt when the motions of life are turbulent. The same can be said for meditation.
To even begin to form an understanding of how to bring more sweet stuff to life, I believe you have to look beyond posture work and deep into the depths of your mind. There, is the beauty of yoga and living. And it's the best cake you've ever tasted.
Monday 18 April 2011
Taking Baby Steps
"It's like taking baby steps."
That's how I described walking in Titibhasana at the second series workshop I took part in yesterday.
Sometimes, in life, you find yourself in these weird and wonderful positions and you shock yourself because you're actually able to move. To do something. To use some strength. Breathe. Momentarily anyway, until the burden on my thighs was too much and I wriggled out, suddenly reverting to that five year old that pops up when I find a posture uncomfortable. "Owwww, my thighs!"
In life too, uncomfortable situations arise. Do I take action, be brave and courageous? Or do I do nothing, sit back and hence, opt for an easy (nevertheless more frustrated) life?
In the case of Titibhasana, I gave it a go. I bound. I took baby steps, got into that uncomfortable place and I experienced the hurt.
I reckon I came off feeling stronger for taking that risk and doing something I never even dreamed of doing.
To you that thought you knew me, you don't.
I'm a firefly.
That's how I described walking in Titibhasana at the second series workshop I took part in yesterday.
Sometimes, in life, you find yourself in these weird and wonderful positions and you shock yourself because you're actually able to move. To do something. To use some strength. Breathe. Momentarily anyway, until the burden on my thighs was too much and I wriggled out, suddenly reverting to that five year old that pops up when I find a posture uncomfortable. "Owwww, my thighs!"
In life too, uncomfortable situations arise. Do I take action, be brave and courageous? Or do I do nothing, sit back and hence, opt for an easy (nevertheless more frustrated) life?
In the case of Titibhasana, I gave it a go. I bound. I took baby steps, got into that uncomfortable place and I experienced the hurt.
I reckon I came off feeling stronger for taking that risk and doing something I never even dreamed of doing.
To you that thought you knew me, you don't.
I'm a firefly.
Sunday 17 April 2011
Dating and doing daily practice...
"So how do you meet people?"
"I don't really. I mean, I go out and meet my friends but it's hard. Course, I don't wana drink so much and I need my sleep"
"How do you get a boyfriend!?"
"Ummm..."
At this point, I was probably biting my lip. Eager to change the subject away from me but he was so curious about my lifestyle. He was one of the more interesting men I had met that night. He was open. He wasn't too interested in talking about himself *(he probably had a girlfriend) and he listened *(he was trying to work me out). But I felt no attraction. The same for all of them... I just had this feeling of greater awareness. This feeling of security. I know what I want and have a good understanding of myself.
I told him I meditated. This is me. It's your choice if you wana walk away...and I have that option too. As it happens, he went to the bar and didn't come back...but it was busy, maybe that was why. It doesn't matter either way.
*the inner critic
"I don't really. I mean, I go out and meet my friends but it's hard. Course, I don't wana drink so much and I need my sleep"
"How do you get a boyfriend!?"
"Ummm..."
At this point, I was probably biting my lip. Eager to change the subject away from me but he was so curious about my lifestyle. He was one of the more interesting men I had met that night. He was open. He wasn't too interested in talking about himself *(he probably had a girlfriend) and he listened *(he was trying to work me out). But I felt no attraction. The same for all of them... I just had this feeling of greater awareness. This feeling of security. I know what I want and have a good understanding of myself.
I told him I meditated. This is me. It's your choice if you wana walk away...and I have that option too. As it happens, he went to the bar and didn't come back...but it was busy, maybe that was why. It doesn't matter either way.
*the inner critic
Saturday 16 April 2011
Blue Sky Ideas
pedestal |ˈpɛdɪst(ə)l|
noun
the base or support on which a statue, obelisk, or column is mounted.
• figurative a position in which one is greatly or uncritically admired : the heroes they have created and placed on pedestals.
• each of the two supports of a kneehole desk or table, typically containing drawers.
• the supporting column or base of a washbasin or toilet bowl.
I once took this word apart searching for it's meaning...I knew the same then. But I didn't really understand.
Here it is. A figurative position. An idealistic one. A blue sky idea...usually of a person.
I have known for a while that I have a tendency to put people of pedestals. I put them high in my regard and admire them. You shiny, brilliant, super human being. You are amazing. I think it's all part of my open-heartedness and innate wanting to see the very best in people. Undoubtedly, in the end said person shocks me and does/says something or just generally hurts my feelings and I see something darker than I ever imagined could be true.
I was a bit silly to put people on pedestals in the first place. Of course everyone has their good stuff but amongst that there is a bit of shit...and a history. Ooooh and there's motivation for behaviour. And that changes too. There's also everything we do that we don't mean, too. The times when we don't think. Man, I can think a dozen off the top of my head - why did i say that, contact that person, lose my temper, do that weird thing?! No point stressing over it now, it's done. Hopefully, we can understand we all make mistakes. And sometimes this is the only way we learn, no?
People I've put on pedestals have included friends, parents, men I've not known so well but I've idolized and fantasized about their perfection and teachers. I remember in high school, I admired my English teacher for her quirkiness, her unpredictability and charm. In school, as a teacher myself, the students can astonish me when a child I think I know displays some out of character behaviour. Suddenly, that child is different to how I thought. In my love life, I've given hours, months, years of my life(!) adoring...
What I value most now in people is honesty. No more rating people above the rest but I do admire honest, true...and unmotivated people. People who just enjoy me for me and life for the basic fundamentals, the simple things.
I wasted a lot of energy putting people of pedestals. Now I see how wrong I was. We're all super and in the end we all want the same thing: to feel loved and secure.
noun
the base or support on which a statue, obelisk, or column is mounted.
• figurative a position in which one is greatly or uncritically admired : the heroes they have created and placed on pedestals.
• each of the two supports of a kneehole desk or table, typically containing drawers.
• the supporting column or base of a washbasin or toilet bowl.
I once took this word apart searching for it's meaning...I knew the same then. But I didn't really understand.
Here it is. A figurative position. An idealistic one. A blue sky idea...usually of a person.
I have known for a while that I have a tendency to put people of pedestals. I put them high in my regard and admire them. You shiny, brilliant, super human being. You are amazing. I think it's all part of my open-heartedness and innate wanting to see the very best in people. Undoubtedly, in the end said person shocks me and does/says something or just generally hurts my feelings and I see something darker than I ever imagined could be true.
I was a bit silly to put people on pedestals in the first place. Of course everyone has their good stuff but amongst that there is a bit of shit...and a history. Ooooh and there's motivation for behaviour. And that changes too. There's also everything we do that we don't mean, too. The times when we don't think. Man, I can think a dozen off the top of my head - why did i say that, contact that person, lose my temper, do that weird thing?! No point stressing over it now, it's done. Hopefully, we can understand we all make mistakes. And sometimes this is the only way we learn, no?
People I've put on pedestals have included friends, parents, men I've not known so well but I've idolized and fantasized about their perfection and teachers. I remember in high school, I admired my English teacher for her quirkiness, her unpredictability and charm. In school, as a teacher myself, the students can astonish me when a child I think I know displays some out of character behaviour. Suddenly, that child is different to how I thought. In my love life, I've given hours, months, years of my life(!) adoring...
What I value most now in people is honesty. No more rating people above the rest but I do admire honest, true...and unmotivated people. People who just enjoy me for me and life for the basic fundamentals, the simple things.
I wasted a lot of energy putting people of pedestals. Now I see how wrong I was. We're all super and in the end we all want the same thing: to feel loved and secure.
Wednesday 13 April 2011
Mindless
I ACTUALLY wanted to scream "Fuuuuuuuuuuck!!" on my mat this morning. Frustration rrrrrrrooooar! It's hard when you want something so much and then things don't go to plan huh? On my first drop back attempt, I plummeted my head back and just touched the floor with it. I rocked to come up and nothing. I went back down... It was one of those mental moments, I huffed and I puffed and lay in balasana. You CAN do this I thought over and over.
The next THREE were good. All thanks to the new cover teacher (lovely Mel Cooper) at our shala who's taught me how to connect with my strength in back bends. She totally gets my body. I'm all flexibility and I need to engage more muscular/bandha control. Going down she's taught me to keep my chest lifted and legs straight for as long as possible and suddenly I've found my legs to come up, not my back (which I think i was using before). They feel totally grounded too...no running forward!
YAY MEL :)
Then today I was trying to explain to my colleague about how in the moment of dropping back and coming back up my mind just empties. It feels like such sweet relief. The rest of my practice, my mind can wander and I can keep trying to bring it back to my breath of course but in the moments of extreme concentration such as this there's only a body, sweating, breathing.
Now to relax into them...
Sunday 10 April 2011
Flow wherever is takes you
Open mic night. So much pain. So much confusion. So much consumption. So much communicated. I wish I could just turn off this analysis. This torturous decoding. Every breathe, every movement, every moment felt.
Sweating. Hot hot, pain. Lyrics go around around around. Breathe. Slow. Relax.
Concentrate.
Let go.
Release.
Sleep. And die.
Live again.
All is good
Sunshine
Friends
Getting along with family
Happy with work
Healthy
Loved up
Suddenly, I've thought, okay so I know I want and need more but I don't have any answers yet. But I'm sure I'll find them on this sunny road.
I'll turn right at Courage and carry on straight until I can't see Fear anymore.
Inhale
Exhale
Meow
Tuesday 5 April 2011
Bending over backwards.
When I first started drop backs, I was a bit like WHEY HEY YAY!! I've battled with my hamstrings throughout the rest of Primary - the constant loosening and stiffening cycle, it was nice to begin something my back was naturally up for.
I think I've made every error with my drop back performance. The first time (or maybe the second) I tried landing on my own, I bumped my head. At that moment, it seemed only minor, more of an embarrassment should anyone have seen (which i knew they had!). I actually had a little swelling all day from the knock! Coming back up, i've dragged my body up every which way! Using my strength yes but often without enough power. Then there have been the times I've flown forward - up and running. I've yet to find my grace in this pose.
I've done a little analysis.
Back bending is often linked to the heart chakra. Here's a little more info on that. You see, I think my back bends totally seem to depict my approach to love and relationships. My heart is wide open - so much so that I sometimes get hurt. Not that that stops me from flinging myself into the same position over and over. Why? Because I enjoy the feeling. Umm, not being hurt but I certainly enjoy the rush. The ups and downs. The surge of blood. I feel alive amidst the essence of danger.
What I have realized though is that a bit of self-preservation can go a long way. So, I'm aiming for greater control in both back bending and in my emotional state. No more crashing, flinging, hoping for the best. I'm using what I know, my experience. I'm using my strength and my breath wisely. Yup, sure the latter might be a lifelong process as is the subtle refinement of practice.
Sunday 3 April 2011
Solitary Practice
I'm never afraid of being on my own. Rejection, yes. Being alone, no. This weekend I've come to Manchester alone. Alone and yet surrounded. Surrounded by love - old, dear friends, common ground, connection, the thick broad accents of the north and the slower pace of the streets. I've felt on holiday. Blissed out.
I'm sat watching this room dance as people politely eat breakfast and I observe. I observe as usual. I listen and learn.
I wonder what am I gona do next. What are gona be my next steps. Today and for the future. Part of me wants to up and leave -the country. New York perhaps. But then a part of me knows there's much more of London to embrace.
I know yoga has to be accounted for regardless. More time, more energy, more dedication to practice. It's weekend's like this on the New Moon when I can fully appreciate my practice. My life and all the major lessons I've learned -non-attachment, letting go, giving, honesty, respect, sitting, being still and BREATHING because everything passes like a breeze and you ARE alone but also totally and fundamentally the same as everyone else. Yoga and life IS a solitary practice. I realize that I don't need to be IN love, I don't even need to FEEL loved for as cliche as it sounds, I am love. Just as I write that a lady passes me and smiles.
I eat my muffin, sip my coffee and write. I channel my thoughts onto the pages of the waiter's pad. There is such a glorious mix of people in the room. Some Rastafarian-looking men (perhaps Reggae singers?), middle class families with objecting offspring, gay couples (if my rather lacking gaydar is correct!), Americans taking "muffins to go." And there's me. Surrounded by food. Picking at it all -saying a prayer my stomach can take it, this mid-morning assault of carbohydrate! But I feel like I'm sharing it with my waitress (Lianna), she and her colleagues are so attentive and sweet. I wonder how many 'alone girls' they get scribbling on waiter's pads stuffing their made-up faces?!
More juice.
The room suddenly goes quiet. Wow, I love it when that happens. The whole room just enjoyed a pause. And perhaps that's where I'll pause. Man, I am so full.
Saturday 26 March 2011
Verisimilitude
I'm in such a strange mental place at the minute. Not sure what I want or the next direction my life is going to take. I wish I could just do nothing more - dolce far niente.
I've been immersed in this silence. In fact, not complete silence as my sinuses are still not completely back to health and my head feels immersed under water. I've been sleeping a lot. So much. I've had some very morbid thoughts. Umm, maybe I'm a bit depressed? All the signs point to it... Maybe I'm just content and creating this drama. Life is pretty fine and dandy... There's things I wish would be different of course. People I wish would miss me more...ooh it's easy to direct my sadness onto them, ey?
Career wise I'm unsure and yet I'm in a position of power. I have a permanent contract and I'm very happy at my school. I do the best I can within my circumstances. But am I content with everything I'm doing? I just don't know...
I hope to find some answers soon.
Me and Silence
Silence, you are all there really is.
Silence, you are what's real.
I don't know what to do with you, Silence.
You have me bound.
You have made me believe that everything else is inferior to you.
Time passes and there is only me and you.
Me and you.
Friday 25 March 2011
This lady sat in the sun.
She told me about her life
We talked about our values.
We discussed being independent,
What that really meant
My comfort in being alone, her fear.
She was from Zimbabwe.
She gave me insight.
She had married a man and bore his children.
She loved this man with all her heart,
But the man was unfaithful.
So she came to England with her daughters.
She made my day worthwhile.
This chance encounter made me smile.
Monday 21 March 2011
An Observation: "Don't look at me."
My Mum always says I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. THE most beautiful girl. I can hear her now, "ohh I'm so lucky to have such a beautiful baby." She now says the same thing to our dog! And don't all good Mum's say the same thing?
But I reckon I have some old samskara business with how I look. In fact, I definitely do. To the people that know me well and the people who are most likely to glance at my blog, I'm sure this won't come as such a huge shock. Let me tell you what happened.
Yesterday was one of THE most peaceful, tranquil, lovely, just blissful practices ever. Like, the whole room was at peace, so shanti. Of course, this was just my perception... and also, the perception of a couple of other shala ladies actually. So, why then did I have all this stuff about my appearance invading my head at some point around closing? And then, uh-oh suddenly my eyes were FILLING with tears in my glorious savasana. I was overcome with emotion.
"Don't look at me."
I can hear me say it.
Don't look at me, that's what I'd say. Don't look at me, is what I'd wanted. Don't look at me, don't judge me, don't undress me with your eyes. Just let me BE. Leave me alone. That's what I was screaming, hoping, praying, hiding for back then when I said it.
Now, even now, on the tube, in a lift, on the street, I hide. I put my eyes down. I bite my lip. I'm uncomfortable. To a lover, I think, if you see my flesh you won't want me. To you, I'm not enough. I'm not beautiful enough. Never.
If I'm beautiful, I'll feel loved. Then I'll push your love away, reject it and want to disappear again.
Wow, yoga can be so powerful. I think this shit was just passing through me. And the emotion it conjured washed over me like a wave. Now, i'll take a towel and dry myself off. I need some sun.
Observe. Let go. Alter.
Saturday 19 March 2011
Fine Whine
I woke up to the sound of tweeting birds this morning and the sunlight fighting to get through my blinds. Suddenly it feels like Spring again after a very cold and murky snap. The sun feeds my soul this morning. Thank you Universe! Thank you, thank you, thank you...I can see how dirty my bedroom window is!
So, I've had a very accident prone couple of weeks...or week? Can't remember! Let me think... I bashed my head dropping back in yoga, I took a chunk out of my finger pad fixing the vacuum cleaner (I'm only just using the finger to type again now) and I'm sure there was something else! I'm still suffering from a chesty cough and have a sore throat this morning. Every morning for definitely the past two weeks I've been coughing up all kinds of grossness during my morning practice...but at least I can breathe through my nose again! It occurred to me this morning that I stopped taking my vitamin C and zinc supplements after I came back from Budapest so maybe this has had an impact and I've not recovered from the cold as quickly as I could have? Anyway, I'm back on those today! I just want to feel healthy again now. Maybe I need those extra supplements...I can accept that!
Today is a SUPER full moon day. My legs ache! I'm wondering why because I wasn't even in work yesterday...surely I should feel more rested? Hmm, maybe it's stiffness. Wow. What a moaner I am. I have actually been counting my blessings...honestly! I'm incredibly content. However, me being me...needs to re-evaluate and re-assess continuously. So, there's been this process of thinking how I can improve. I need to start making plans. But for the time being, I want to enjoy now and do less worrying about the future.
Something quite strange happened to me yesterday, I was doing my grocery shopping when the lady at the cashier commented how difficult it was buying for a single person. Umm, I didn't know whether to be offended to be honest! What part of my shopping trolley screamed "I'M SINGLE!!". I could have easily been shopping for two...or more! I can only think that I attracted those remarks. Hey. Whatever. It made me think, I came to the conclusion that I'm NOT going to start a crazy online search for romance... It's not easy anyway, who is going to understand my lifestyle. Yoga. Meditation. I'm 25...most guys I know are into good times and music. Most guys I know, know me too well and aren't interested anyway LOL. Satya.
But last night, staring at the smiling face of the moon in the London sky I felt absolutely fine.
Friday 11 March 2011
Not For You
I promised myself you wouldn't touch me deeper than you should
I told myself you weren't what I wanted anyway
I walk, I walk
I sigh
I cry in silence
I laugh
I love with all my heart
I'll give until I fall
I'll press and I'll stretch to make things better
I'll wonder.
But then none of it matters.
Tuesday 1 March 2011
Sharing My Song
Here goes *New Post* ...it's been a while. A million and one things tick tocking around my mind like a song you can't get out of your head.
I've been to Budapest! I was poorly...oh no! Sod's Law. Fook. No, really poorly... Tried my best to not let it get to me and tried and tried...i eventually cried out of frustration and got angry with it. Horrah tears! Not horrah for anger! But EMOTION. Increasingly, I feel like i'm becoming this emotional-less but never-the-less very zen hippy. Hippy. Hmm. I've promised myself to start making a bit more effort with how I look. I mean, a bit of mascara would not hurt... Also, I'm vowing to keep my social life alive despite a dedicated yoga practice. Practice. Full Primary + drop backs and a new teacher (whilst my teacher is on maternity leave).
I've not posted for a while because there has been so much to say and I've not really felt like sharing. But then the beat in my head keeps pounding so tap tap tap, I type and let the words flow out.
The holiday in Hungary seemed to bring up a lot of questions. The most prominent which rendered me speechless was "What do I really want?" I.e., what are my dreams? I think I've lost sight of them somewhat or maybe it's just the belief in manifesting them. Nothing's impossible, right? But for every want there seems to be a but. Something I need to work on.
Coming back to London felt like coming home. There's nothing I love more than these streets, these sights and sounds, these friends and these cats in my house. Yet (But) I yearn to make to make my own home, have my own cats and someone to share it with too.
Desperately yours... oh God, did I just write (admit) those things???????
Miss F xx
P.S. A song.
Saturday 29 January 2011
Self Doubt
Typical - no internet connection, so this post was written the old fashioned way with ink flowing from pen to paper. Often, the way I find easiest to write.
Since saying I felt stronger *TYPICAL* I've had a rocky week with me feeling most anxiety the night before an observation of my teaching. Hello self-doubt. And hello, the subject of this post. Why do we self-doubt? And I wonder, are women more susceptible to it? Most importantly, what can I do to stop believing in myself?! Readers...that one is for you to help me with please.
I've read (sooooo many times now) that believing is the key to receiving...and being able to give too. For example, with my career, it was only when I actually started believing that I could be a teacher that it actually happened. Only then could I start giving my energy to the children I care for. That's for them. For me, it got me out of an office I detested and out of a town that wore my soul down. The cost was 9 months of solitary confinement in Carlisle. Now, I'm working harder than I have ever in my life! At times, I feel more anxiety, more pressure and more frustration than ever too. Yoga and my lovely (spiritual) friends help to keep me grounded on a sunny path. Yes, I am blessed and this is the life I chose.
"The Universe provides."
However, there IS a teeny part of my brain that doubts that my most personal and private dreams will ever be fulfilled. A part that doubts that I'm the best person I can be, that I'm the best teacher I can be, that I give enough, that I will ever be loved like I want to be...that I'll EVER receive what i know doubtfully exists.
Monday 24 January 2011
Stronger
Oh crumbs, chocolate on my keyboard. Never a good look...
So. Dare I say it? (Yes) I feel strong...stronger. Even with the million and one thoughts and everything going on in my life (which I will never fully divulge on here) and all the niggling physical ailments/complaints, I feel strong. Some days, some, I can just let the day pass over me, like a cool breeze. I manage to retain a calm, collected breath. A smile. A sparkle.
This week I'm aiming to get more sleep though. Last week, I noticed that London is taking it's toll on my face. Literally. I have thus, decided, I need more rest. That will be as simple as leaving a little earlier than throwing out time at school and being more productive with my time whilst I'm there. And also, ridding myself of petroleum based creams...that are actually making my skin WORSE. Apparently, they have a drying effect...so it bloomin' seems!! Adios.
Meanwhile, I'm counting down to a stroke of sunshine during the February half-term. Yes. Please. 19 teaching days left...oh no. I didn't just count, did I? Bad teacher :P
Friday 21 January 2011
Close your eyes.
Wow. It feels like longer since I blogged...
Okay. So, I think this is the first time in 'that long' since I felt like/had time to think and attempt to blog about my thoughts... harr. Have no idea where this mental discussion will lead.
I moved! Woo. Amazingly settled. Great moving skills IMO *gives self a lorry driver clap* Sure you're all wondering what the hell that is... I'll leave you to wonder. Some things were never meant to be explained...just to evoke THOUGHT. Like this blog. Maybe.
Lately, I've been reading (again!) about the power of our thoughts. I can put this into practice/experimentation during practice. For example, my headstands have improved ten-fold by simply thinking "I am strong and balanced" when I'm up... More and more, I'm realizing that it's the ability to control your thoughts that makes you powerful and resilient. More and more, when a negative thought pops in to worry/scare/taunt me, I notice it and put it out. Yoga teaches me to breathe, let go, be strong, keep going through the good and bad days.
I've had so many good days this week. Tiring but good. Each one an adventure of their own. From the smiles of strangers to the kindness and thoughtfulness of my friends and colleagues, I have felt loved in London. Safe, secure and valued. I've never worked as hard in my life. A Tweet I saw a couple of days ago read, "work is love." So true. I do my best but it's a struggle and a joy.
Tonight I'm resting up. Ahimsa.
Saturday 8 January 2011
Moving On...
Finally. In life. In practice.
Garbha's going good. Only one nasty bruise so far.
And I'm moving house next Saturday. Looking forward. New people (and cats) to get to know, new things to learn, maybe something to teach...
I can breathe a sigh of relief.
Wednesday 5 January 2011
Today
The day you don't expect it, you get it. The day you let go, stop grasping and give in to the great beyond, the unknown...it's the day it happens.
First day back in school. My head firmly focused on moving. I get Garba Pindasana. My calves have ached all day...
The day dragged at school. Kids lovely and calm. Not in the slightest irritated by anyone or anything. Just riding the wave of the day...
A man made me laugh. Really smile. "Great legs!!" as I walked past him, earphones only just removed. A sneer to myself and a giggle.. "at least I made you smile." Probably drunk.
A car ride. Paranoia for my safety turned into adventure. Hope. A cheaper place. Quaint. Two cats. Culture. I feel brave. I'll take it.
Saturday 1 January 2011
2011 On.
Catching up with blog reading this morning, it seems I wasn't the only yogi in bed before the stroke of midnight last night. I was tucked up for about 11pm with my ear plugs in (to block out the bangs of fireworks).
I don't feel so strongly about the impending year. I don't feel the need to reflect on 2010. I know there were great times and not-so-great times too. The important thing is knowing how I cope with life, knowing myself more and becoming more aware overall. I overheard a conversation between my yoga teacher and a student where it was said that maturing is a process of knowing yourself more and becoming more accepting. Maybe yoga accelerates this process? I think I matured A LOT in 2010.
Not all that grown up that I don't want to see my favourite DJ spin tonight at Ministry of Sound in London. Here's a taste of what I can expect (I LOVE SCRATCHING AGHHHH!) This is the Warehouse Project (which I went to a couple of weeks ago although this video is older). I don't think Ministry will be as mental as that...but it is New Year's Day! I can expect some very hyped up energy and lots of people out it. Heh. I'm pretty accustomed to dealing with that though (years of raving) and to be fair, hyped up energy is what I teach everyday in school.
I think I'm mature enough to not want to do these kind of nights all the time. Heck, I'm usually trying to keep my eyes open at 10.30 in the evening, not going out dancing 'till dawn. Those days are long gone when I had less responsibility and less awareness I suppose. I realize whilst there is a short-term buzz from being immersed in the music I love and the hedonistic vibes, they don't provide long-term love back at you. In fact, it tends to hit you hard when you go to bed the next day in silence apart from the ringing in your ears and you're alone, it's gone, it's over. Like Christmas.
But I do need the occasional night to make me feel alive. To revel in the music I adore. To celebrate life and let go of cares and woes. To feel young. To do my nails, put make-up on and feel a little bit attractive. There's hardly moments to look at myself anymore. Seeing myself in the mirrors at home in Blackburn, I saw I've changed. I'm 25. A strong young women.
2011 will see more maturity. Until then, I'm going back to bed in preparation for some serious sleep-deprivation
... You'd think I was being forced to stay awake for a week! It's only one night...and for my favourite DJ! Alas, mustn't get excited need some zzzzzzz.
Big love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)