MIAMI

I remember thinking at some point, ahhh this is why people go on yoga retreats...

Before leaving for my first trip to America, I was honestly pretty down about my yoga practice. I'd been working hard man, getting up at (precisely) 4.17am to get onto my mat early enough only to practice a little more than half primary and my second series postures. I guess it was no wonder I was getting miserable when after that I was speeding off to work like the thousands of others in London rammed onto tubes, racing to get to work get there no more than a little late...returning 'home' spent and exhausted from the energetic chaos of a school day.

I want to write about what I learned in Miami and share how I felt too.

It wasn't all blissful sunshine, I came close to tears too. Finally, I've cried twice since returning. Once when I walking into the taxi door, whacking my head, that was a sweet (short) albeit painful release of pent up emotion then again, I whelled up talking to my boyfriend and the tears came on my bike ride home from his...listening to Florence and the Machine I can feel the pangs of pain again. I can't really say I'm happy to be home...I could have easily stayed in Miami, ideally always practicing at the Life Centre with those great teachers. Not that I am not grateful of my awesome teacher here and my shala community. Just that that place, those teachers, made me look at London with new eyes... I guess I love (and miss) the sunshine, the heat, the newness of everything, the excitement of walking into American supermarkets ;)

So here goes, what did I learn (in yoga)? I learned I was being pretty lazy...Kino (McGregor) and Tim (Feldmann) were quick to spot I wasn't ever really using my bandhas (umm, at all). That pretty much transformed the whole thing when I gave more awareness to the internal aspect of the practice. Tim also told me I should work on lifting my lower ribs, especially in postures such as Ustrasana and Kapotasana. That totally makes sense. Practice was INTENSE. Sweat was pouring out of me everyday...my yoga towel was rank. Tim told me I should do my whole practice, so all of primary + second...I was first to start and last to finish. It was a long haul but one that seemed shorter by the end of the week and it made me realize that I DO need to do the whole thing if I really want to get stronger and there are so many postures in primary that still need work (like ALL of them!). Huge thanks to Tim and Kino for instilling fresh inspiration and for pushing me so hard in postures...taking me to painful places in order to feel comfort and acceptance there...

Kino talked about yoga students coming to a pinnacle point in their practice where they realize that there is no escaping pain/suffering. I think that's when I found my daily practice: this, I have understood for a while. She said that the difference between yoga and psychotherapy is that yoga does not question why, it just accepts. There is no end to suffering...and in terms of the practice, maybe there will never be a day when it's not uncomfortable somewhere somehow in some posture or other...and in life, maybe there will never be a day where you're not scratching at mosquito bites, rubbing your tongue along your burnt mouth, having nosebleeds, too hot/cold, hungry/too full, physically sore (to name the few I suffer from at the lower end of the pain spectrum)...the list goes on. Tim took me to that painful place in Baddha Konasana and asked me to stay there. "How do you feel?" he asked. "Like my hips are going to rip apart," I said...when really what I wish I had the courage to say in that moment was, "Like crying." Huge sadness emerged in me...frustration and anger in lesser proportions BUT by the end of the week masses of LOVE too. I arrived in Miami in love but left more in love than I've ever felt. Stronger, more focussed and more willing to take control of my life too...



To be continued.

Sleeping in Brackets

Tick.

Write.

Listen to the murmurs of my mind and share the commotion.

Hold tight.

I'm at home in your arms. Softly, humbly, affectionately...i curl up next to you.

So much up in the air, you say. I know. You know, i know. Don't worry about it now, you say. Put it in perspective, you say. How can we make you feel better, you say.

I quit my full-time teaching position (again). I'm (we're) looking for a place to live (again). I'm wondering what it is I want from life (again). I (already) have everything I need. Have faith, i hear myself pray...things WILL work out. El Universo will provide (remember).

(Funny), I've never wanted to leave the yoga room more so than this morning. Can I just go now? I've had enough. Sack this. What's the point anyway?!... I'm here (suffering) so I can appreciate life out there better(!)...give me food, shelter, comfort, why do I need this (pain)?

Put it all in brackets. It (life) is changing (again). Life in brackets. Sleeping in brackets. (Home).