Sunday 26 December 2010

Dorothy


Sat in the arms of my Father's chair, it's probably the only time of year that i'll eat trifle for breakfast because I couldn't quite fit it in the day before and it so persistently played on my mind.

I'm sighing a huge sigh of relief that the day is over. I long for the day I can make Christmas my own, selfishly.

Coming home has made me realize how trapped I felt here, how claustrophobic I felt in this, my parent's house. My bed doesn't feel my own. It's cold and my room is acquiring more and more of my Mum's things. I love my parents dearly, don't get me wrong but this is not my home. But wait... I don't currently have a home. But kinda like when I had my bag stolen, it feels liberating. I know I can still be every ounce the person I am and not have a dwelling to call a home.

I'm glad that I made this journey for the clearing of the air and a chance to talk. A walk in the park yesterday was my favourite part of Christmas day. My Dad coming to wake me up. My Mum making jokes. And then the walk, a time to discuss everyone's daily life, to really say how we feel.

This has to be the last time i come here though. I can't breathe. I've taken so much criticism. I've tried to tolerate, tried to let go, tried to argue back. But emotion consumes me. Sadness swallows me.

I don't like your hair. You need to put weight on. You need to produce children for me to enjoy! Your yoga isn't normal!!

It's so much easier in my bubble.

Tap. Tap.

Tuesday 21 December 2010

Moon Day Good Eggs

Ahh. Joy. Moon Day. Eggs and soldiers leisurely breakfast and blogging.

Yoga news: my practice has been pretty MEH for the past couple of weeks. Body feels like a lead balloon and every since I was told (again) about the hyper-extension in my arms, i feel like a beginner that can't even do Chaturanga properly! Frustration looms over me and my body feels like a fat, clumsy, heavy, WEAK, lump of rubbish yogi. LOL. Okay, so i'm exaggerating. I'm *trying* not to be that hard on myself. I have a niggling problem with my hamstring and my knees have been on and off sore since starting to go deeper in Ardha Baddha Paddmotanasa and binding in Yoga Mudra. A friend has suggested rolling around on a tennis ball to help my hamstring so gona give that a whirl this week.

Life news: I saw another flat last night. The current flatmate is very interested in meeting the right person to live with so it was more like a date than a viewing and she even had a couple of her bestfriends there to vet me too! It's all very exhausting and to be fair, I just want to find a place now. I will be so happy the day I know where I am moving and this new chapter can begin.

Despite the snow in the UK, I made it to a big gig/RAVE in Manchester at the weekend. The DJ I went to see was actually snowed in in the end and stuck in another country but the weekend (and journey!) turned out to be so worth it in the end for seeing my old flatmate and uni bestfriend. It made me realize how lucky I am to have such good eggs in my life. Once again, I'm consumed with gratitude for the people I have met along my path.

Happy Moon Day ECLIPSE!

Saturday 18 December 2010

I Bite

There is a teeny tiny part of me that is very angry. Huge sigh cos I don't really know why. FRUSTRATION perhaps? Yesterday, she popped her ugly head and snapped out.

Yoga is teaching me to be aware of my ugly thoughts and just let them go. Notice them and then don't give them anymore energy...and if possible, change the thought process.

But what about this anger?!

In fairness, it's unexpected from me...and rather explosive!

Tuesday 14 December 2010

Devotion

When I was younger and still into my adulthood if I'm honest, I was attracted and still remain attracted to devotional living; living for something beyond my own existence. This morning, I realized that yoga ticks this box for me and still allows me to live in the real world without being segrated from society. In fact, it helps me to live better. It helps me to cope better with Life's upheavals and also to maximise the joy in it's blessings.

A week until the end of this my first term as a primary school teacher and I feel satisfied and I'm looking forward to Christmas and the start of the New Year. This is not even work to me. This, my job, is all part of my devotional practice. Life.

Exciting news: I baked my first Christmas cake last night. It was all rather perfect avec Christmas music and munching mince pies and despite the challenge of mixing by hand in a wok, measuring ingredients on a pair of old fashioned weighing scales (the ones with weights) and lack of greaseproof paper. But I can confirm that butter and a dusting of flour does the job just as well! Thank goodness. I am hopeful it's cooked(!) and I'm sure it will taste as divine as it smells.

Mundane news: I'm still looking for a new flat. I had hoped to find somewhere before I go home home (to my parents') for my Xmas break but I've let go of this want now. I will not settle for anything less than the next ideal place to roost.

Practice news: Still working on that Supta K bind. Still waiting for my toes to kiss! MWAH!

I am hopeful. Someday soon.

Sunday 5 December 2010

London, you make me love you...

This weekend London has been magical. Magical and all mine. There are exquisite moments when the city just fills me with bliss. When in every face I see beauty, in every stranger there is a friend, with every step there is something new and wonderful to discover. This whole weekend has been riddled with these moments. I could never truly capture in words or pictures how the city can make me feel.

I'm blessed to feel so inspired to step out into the world every day and to regard every day as an adventure.

London, you have my heart.


Saturday 4 December 2010

Practice IS Practice

At some point during my lovely start to the day on the mat this morning, it came to my mind that practice IS practice. Doing the same thing again and again and again. In the hope of making small changes leading to a big difference. And I thought, huh..yeah, same with life.

Little changes all the time.

Which leads me on nicely to...

I'M MOVING HOME.