Sickness and Shadows

Okay, so I went out last weekend and had SUPER fun with my friends. Dressed as Twister (for Halloween fancy dress).

As my housemate would say, I chose life. I treated myself to a Bikram class on Saturday before I went, as I couldn't bare the thought of not practicing any yoga for three whole days (not that awful really is it?!) Bikram was really hard and I found myself resisting the teacher and being irritated by him. So I gave up, didn't put my heart and soul into and just got through the class. It made me late getting ready to leave London too. I don't think I'll be practicing Bikram for a very long time. I think each to their own but Ashtanga is my chosen practice.

This week has been a funny old week since. I couldn't practice Monday, as I am committed to babysitting one weekday morning each week. I could have gone to a friend's Hatha class on the Monday evening but after my day I just wanted to get to bed..and actually, my day wasn't too bad considering I really lacked in motivation (still tired from the weekend). But then Tuesday...bleugh!! I made it to practice after nearly rolling over, then blacked out a few times during standing (had to go to the floor to stop myself from falling over), then I did actually fall on my head in Bhujapidasana -sideways. Ouch. Think I uttered a quiet, "fuck!". Then got up and did it again...without bashing myself.

I had training that morning so I wasn't in school but then I couldn't shake the queasy feeling. I felt sick and weak. I was sent home where I went back to bed. My dreams were haunted by things on my mind and I was scared to close my eyes that night for fear of the nightmares. The most terrifying and most vivid was one where I couldn't breathe and my body was kind of fitting. I couldn't control my movement and I couldn't speak. Horrifying. Like I was losing control of my body but still present in my mind. I've suffered from bad dreams before when I've been sick - maybe it's fever which brings it on. In the end, I had a nice sleep that night but I didn't practice yesterday and I took another day off work. I spent most of the day in bed again but felt more lively by the afternoon. I hate being ill...it's a very lonely time. Nobody can comfort me and it's a real test for me to able to sit still and just be...without being too in my head, over-thinking situations or fantasizing too much. Ultimately creating more darkness for myself. Cos it's the distractions which make life more bearable...all the things we take for granted when we're healthy. Being sociable and having the energy, the gusto to get out there. When we're poorly, lust for life diminishes and we're forced to rest.

Although, this weekend was great. It wasn't without drama. Not that I'm shocked by events - just hmm perhaps, disheartened. I can't help but feel hopeless sometimes. It's normal. I'm not always positive. No one is. Shit happens and well, we just have to trudge along through the good and the bad...like when we fall over, we just have to get back up and try again. It probably won't be the last time I fall over, but I'm not afraid of falling now I know exactly how it feels and I know I'll survive!

I have so much to be grateful for. So much. I don't want to search for things to complain about because ya know, my life is pretty sweet and I'll be fully better very soon. Everything passes. Life is not without it's highs and inevitable lows but without the sun there are no shadows.