I knew something was niggling at me over the past couple of weeks. I could sense a light uneven breath. Deep down I knew that I was too busy and too hectic last week and that left too little time for myself and too little time to rest. So this week I've been sleeping like a baby and crying (if tears would actually emerge!) like one too. When my friend died a couple of years ago now, I remember making a brew. It was her birthday last weekend so I know my thoughts have been with her perhaps more than usual and with more sad news from friends I'm constantly reminded that life is so fragile..and so should be enjoyed!
But. I'm changing. My definition of enjoyment isn't the same as it was in my early 20's. I feel caught between this old person and this new one who's growing below the surface of my skin.. and it's frustrating. And i want to cry. And i want my mum! And i just want someone to tell me everything's going to be okay.
It is.
My life is hectic. School is hectic.. My yoga practice is...wait for it - hectic!
I'm surprised how short i've managed to make my once two hour practice. I'm sure it can be even shorter! Minus adjustments to my yoga towel and the extra breaths I take here and there.
Today I actually almost had a breakdown though. I got stuck in Bhudjapidasana..as my teacher put it, like a beetle. I couldn't lift up when i put my head down. Silly SILLY mistake cos i was trying to lift UP and not thinking forwards! But anyway, i was there STUCK thinking what can i do? Shout for help? How do i collapse out of this?! OH MY GOD i'm STUUUUUUUCK. I eventually fell on my side after making a pathetic last struggling moan/wimper and i just wanted to weep.
I feel so frustrated with myself to be honest. Like, why can't i do this?! Is it me, am i not putting enough effort in? Is it my mind?
Then my frustration follows me to work. I try my hardest to organize things in the most effective way but i have to keep changing things and re-evaluating and things don't get done or don't get the attention they deserve because there's just not enough TIME in the day. The same could be said for my practice too. It all corresponds.
Re the tears, my teacher says it's good. She says it's a sign i'm changing..
I'm gona sup on this cup of tea and take comfort.
Oh I have soooooo been there - with buja too in fact. It is one helluva frustrating pose (I know this isn't all about the asana...but take it as a metaphor). But as you are doing the next ones too, it's not like you have to master this pose to move on, so try (I know it's not easy) to just let the frustration go. This is a hard hard asana and so many people I know (much more advanced than us) have had and continue to have struggles with it. Try and approach it lightly - it just.does.not.matter. Getting stuck in a pose makes you feel stupid (I know, I did/do most days - if you'd have been later you'd have heard me crash out of it today), but all of this is the same as your general frustration, struggling to break out of the cocoon - the real work is in staying present, having faith, not worrying too much about the end result, rather than in achieving the end result (whatever that may be). You're doing great, with your practice, with all the new stuff life has thrown at you in the past 6 months, you just need to believe that's it's OK to just *be* wherever you are right now and not worry too much about what it looks like to anyone else, or where you are going next. Ramble ramble ramble >> end.
ReplyDeletexxx
It's hilarious that I'm stuck in a physical cocoon as well as feeling like that emotionally. Rock on when i can do more backbends! In fact, controversially, half-term begs a little BIKRAM! hahahah.
ReplyDelete<3 you.
xxxx
Oh bless you jen, your such a northern lass. I'm gonna have a cuppa now and think of you. You know you don't have to figure it all out right now, just respond to each moment. Teaching is hard work and maybe the crying is connected to exhaustion, i had that anyway. I have no doubt you will find a groove with the work flow and your life. You have had a lot to adapt to and change is a wonderful thing. Sometimes we need to let go of something before we move on and the crying could be this too. As Mel says bhuja is hard and many, many people struggle with it, it's not suprising that practice feels like a relflection of the life stuff, take it is an opportunity to practice responding moment by moment and give your self some moments even if they are on a bus or a train. Look forward to seeing you Sunday hugs Helen. Now for that cuppa, lol but it will have to be roobosh with oat milk for me xxx
ReplyDeleteTeaching is definitely exhausting..this week I've been going to bed at 8 o'clock! I only stayed up last night because I was babysitting and even then, I did school work! Yesterday and the day before were the worst..just feeling like all i did was behaviour management and even then, banging my head against a brick wall with 4 year olds!
ReplyDeleteBUT today has been so positive. I got loads done. Was really proactive and i was listened to and was given time to talk to my teaching assistant and the lunchtime staff to discuss issues. Whizzed through planning for next week, completed observations as well as re-organizing the layout of my room slightly this week. I've been so pleased with the progress of my children as well! They amaze me :)
Looking forward to Sunday.. i may have to go all out and have waffles!!!
xx