Autumn fell suddenly. The leaves now shroud the ground. The sun dances between the spaces of the trees and dazzles my eyes.
My days have been busy. Long. Social. Full of fun. Though, I'm happy to be going away tomorrow to sit a 3 day Vipassana. I need this space for me. To grow. To re-connect with silence. To re-connect with where I am and how I feel. To re-connect with me.
Space for me is space for change, space for a new season, space to pursue.
Monday 24 October 2011
Sunday 9 October 2011
It's not all doom and gloom
A friend commented the other day that he had started to read my blog and that he thought it was depressing.
Maybe that's partly true. I struggle to read back anything that I've ever written on here. Part of that is because I'm a perfectionist and I'm never fully satisfied with my writing and part of that is because it upsets me. My words are heartfelt and honest, sometimes it's hard to look back on my anxieties and frustrations without feeling sorry for myself (or myself back then). I SO want to move away from feeling sorry for myself. I certainly don't want anyone else to pity me either. So, I don't look back. I focus on what's ahead. Live and learn.
But hey, it's not all doom and gloom. I promise.
Maybe that's partly true. I struggle to read back anything that I've ever written on here. Part of that is because I'm a perfectionist and I'm never fully satisfied with my writing and part of that is because it upsets me. My words are heartfelt and honest, sometimes it's hard to look back on my anxieties and frustrations without feeling sorry for myself (or myself back then). I SO want to move away from feeling sorry for myself. I certainly don't want anyone else to pity me either. So, I don't look back. I focus on what's ahead. Live and learn.
But hey, it's not all doom and gloom. I promise.
Wednesday 5 October 2011
"He doesn't want to hold my hand."
Yesterday, I was sent to a nursery in Essex.
Observing a 3-4 year old little girl obsessionally follow around a boy wanting to hold his hand resounded with me. She moaned, "He doesn't want to hold my hand." I said, "Maybe he doesn't want to hold your hand." I asked the coy looking boy and he shook his head. I could see he was desperate to escape her advances but he was being tolerant of her persistence. I joked on my Facebook status: Story. Of. My. Life. This morning after practice, my friend asked "And how did you feel when you saw her doing that." I said, "Empathy." She said, "And did you not wonder why she was doing that?"
Why? We perfectly good women put our eggs in one basket? Investing our invaluable energy into one man who doesn't love us like we HOPE one day they might. All the while, they fly free, happy, content, eating their cake...smothered in love.
I've grown up from that little girl.
It's time to change that self-destructive path I understand now...now I'm 26!
Observing a 3-4 year old little girl obsessionally follow around a boy wanting to hold his hand resounded with me. She moaned, "He doesn't want to hold my hand." I said, "Maybe he doesn't want to hold your hand." I asked the coy looking boy and he shook his head. I could see he was desperate to escape her advances but he was being tolerant of her persistence. I joked on my Facebook status: Story. Of. My. Life. This morning after practice, my friend asked "And how did you feel when you saw her doing that." I said, "Empathy." She said, "And did you not wonder why she was doing that?"
Why? We perfectly good women put our eggs in one basket? Investing our invaluable energy into one man who doesn't love us like we HOPE one day they might. All the while, they fly free, happy, content, eating their cake...smothered in love.
I've grown up from that little girl.
It's time to change that self-destructive path I understand now...now I'm 26!
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