Navel Gazing

I think I have started a post about three times this week, well, three times since the last one! I'm losing all track of time thanks to having so much of it on my hands. I *think* and the people around me *know* that I've been going a bit stir crazy 'navel gazing' (as Mel put it). YES. I am looking forward to starting work again..YES, I want long full(filling) days that wear me out and YES, I want to think about more than myself (and yoga!).

Let's put all this into perspective Jen (talking to myself YES):

You're living in London and you have amazing, wonderful, FABULOUS and inspiring AND supportive friends (all over the globe might I add), you have a job you love doing and in an area you want to make a difference in, you're young, you're FREE and yes, yes, you're single but you're only just brushing 25 (it's allowed!).

So, YES, you see you *should* be well chuffed love.

I am.

But i struggle because I'm one of those really annoying, irritating people (just like my mother) who's never happy..or rarely look like that they are (truly). I'm constantly striving. Constantly looking forward wanting MORE MORE MORE. If i'm honest. If I don't lie to myself and that was going to be the subject of another post..the self-betrayal, I am this kind of person. I want progression. Always. I can't bear to stand still. Even in my practice, I've noticed that I often don't finish an exhale before I'm bounding into the next asana. "Slow down Jenny!!" I can hear my Dad exclaim.

And breathe.

I can hear my Mum and Dad say a lot of things that I used to dispute and now. Now. They ring true.

A friend sent me this quote: “The greatest magnifying glasses in the world are a man's own eyes when they look upon his own person.”

This time I've had to look upon myself has been both wondrous and grueling.

It's clarified a few things for sure.

Bikram Break-Up, Breakout and Blues

My 'bites' are now just spots..lovely! My skin is rudely rebelling against me and I've morphed into a 17 year old girl again. Come to think of it, I am still that girl in more ways.. but not completely. I certainly would not have had the courage to stand in (teeny) shorts and sports bra and POUR sweat for an hour and a half IN FRONT OF A MIRROR AND A ROOM FULL OF (beautiful) PEOPLE when I was 17. I think I've expressed before that this has been the big challenge for me with regards to Bikram..as well as withstanding the heat and restraining my ego to not over-stretch! Looking at my reflection today, I felt a sense of achievement and acceptance. I suppose in my Ashtanga practice although rolls of fat might be staring me in the face in asanas such as Pindasana, there's not a constant visual reminder of every extra fold. My motivation to lose those is binding now not aesthetics.

Only 5 more days before my Bikram pass will expire anyway. Bye-bye Bikram..but i'll probably be back for more(!).

And.

Blues.

I still feel really quite flat. I don't know what's wrong with me. Yesterday, I was absolutely overcome with anger and infuriated with a receptionist who IMO insulted my intelligence! Completely irrational behaviour.

Today, I just feel flat..and I'm missing my Mum and Dad! There is that 17 year old seeping through again.

I suppose I just need to be living for something else (deep); a goal OR for other people..so I'm sure i'll be cured when I'm back at school.

Pop-a-blog

So I was saying to Kevin today over post practice Sunday dandelion pop that I should blog as it's been a while and I suppose a lot has occurred. I've been bitten by beach flies (or something!) and have a million (one exaggerates) bites that are itchy like HELL (one exaggerates), my body has felt weary, tired, sore..my mind; weary, tired, sore, my heart; weary, tired, sore. There's lots wrong with the grammar in that sentence! But basically, last week was a bit hit and miss. I visited my very lovely friend in her hometown and felt homesick..but had a very lovely time. Then came back to London to feel like SHIT. I went to bed. Shut myself away..which is the usual behaviour pattern. I suppose, as I was explaining this morning, I feel like I've hit a bit of a lull. I mean, I'm a very goal driven person (*official* definition of myself) and to learn that goals and striving are NOT conducive to happiness has been hard to chew. I'm also aware that with all this time on my hands during the school holidays, I'm spending too much time thinking about ME and not enough of my time is spent on others..in particular, little people. My class. With less than two weeks to go until I start my first year of teaching things will change now.

I've also been a shit person..said, done some crappy things which I regret. And I'm missing my family.

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME

Today's practice was great (non-attachment!) hamstring, shoulders and knees(!) better after a massage on Friday and REST last week. Funny that I was absolutely WIRED after a mug full of fresh coffee and charged through, huffing and puffing. If my body allows it, I'd love a bit of Bikram this week.

And relax.

And breathe.

Oh Elaine..as my housemate would say.

Unconditional

Willing to experience aloneness,

I discover connection everywhere;

Turning to face my fear,

I meet the warrior who lives within;

Opening to my loss,

I gain the embrace of the universe;

Surrendering into emptiness,

I find fullness without end.

Each condition I flee from pursues me,

Each condition I welcome transforms me

And becomes itself transformed

Into it's radiant jewel-like essence.

I bow to the one who has made it so,

Who has crafted this Master Game;

To play it is purest delight -

To honor its form, true devotion.

Jennifer Paine Welwood