I'm in such a strange mental place at the minute. Not sure what I want or the next direction my life is going to take. I wish I could just do nothing more - dolce far niente.
I've been immersed in this silence. In fact, not complete silence as my sinuses are still not completely back to health and my head feels immersed under water. I've been sleeping a lot. So much. I've had some very morbid thoughts. Umm, maybe I'm a bit depressed? All the signs point to it... Maybe I'm just content and creating this drama. Life is pretty fine and dandy... There's things I wish would be different of course. People I wish would miss me more...ooh it's easy to direct my sadness onto them, ey?
Career wise I'm unsure and yet I'm in a position of power. I have a permanent contract and I'm very happy at my school. I do the best I can within my circumstances. But am I content with everything I'm doing? I just don't know...
My Mum always says I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. THE most beautiful girl. I can hear her now, "ohh I'm so lucky to have such a beautiful baby." She now says the same thing to our dog! And don't all good Mum's say the same thing?
But I reckon I have some old samskara business with how I look. In fact, I definitely do. To the people that know me well and the people who are most likely to glance at my blog, I'm sure this won't come as such a huge shock. Let me tell you what happened.
Yesterday was one of THE most peaceful, tranquil, lovely, just blissful practices ever. Like, the whole room was at peace, so shanti. Of course, this was just my perception... and also, the perception of a couple of other shala ladies actually. So, why then did I have all this stuff about my appearance invading my head at some point around closing? And then, uh-oh suddenly my eyes were FILLING with tears in my glorious savasana. I was overcome with emotion.
"Don't look at me."
I can hear me say it.
Don't look at me, that's what I'd say. Don't look at me, is what I'd wanted. Don't look at me, don't judge me, don't undress me with your eyes. Just let me BE. Leave me alone. That's what I was screaming, hoping, praying, hiding for back then when I said it.
Now, even now, on the tube, in a lift, on the street, I hide. I put my eyes down. I bite my lip. I'm uncomfortable. To a lover, I think, if you see my flesh you won't want me. To you, I'm not enough. I'm not beautiful enough. Never.
If I'm beautiful, I'll feel loved. Then I'll push your love away, reject it and want to disappear again.
Wow, yoga can be so powerful. I think this shit was just passing through me. And the emotion it conjured washed over me like a wave. Now, i'll take a towel and dry myself off. I need some sun.
I woke up to the sound of tweeting birds this morning and the sunlight fighting to get through my blinds. Suddenly it feels like Spring again after a very cold and murky snap. The sun feeds my soul this morning. Thank you Universe! Thank you, thank you, thank you...I can see how dirty my bedroom window is!
So, I've had a very accident prone couple of weeks...or week? Can't remember! Let me think... I bashed my head dropping back in yoga, I took a chunk out of my finger pad fixing the vacuum cleaner (I'm only just using the finger to type again now) and I'm sure there was something else! I'm still suffering from a chesty cough and have a sore throat this morning. Every morning for definitely the past two weeks I've been coughing up all kinds of grossness during my morning practice...but at least I can breathe through my nose again! It occurred to me this morning that I stopped taking my vitamin C and zinc supplements after I came back from Budapest so maybe this has had an impact and I've not recovered from the cold as quickly as I could have? Anyway, I'm back on those today! I just want to feel healthy again now. Maybe I need those extra supplements...I can accept that!
Today is a SUPER full moon day. My legs ache! I'm wondering why because I wasn't even in work yesterday...surely I should feel more rested? Hmm, maybe it's stiffness. Wow. What a moaner I am. I have actually been counting my blessings...honestly! I'm incredibly content. However, me being me...needs to re-evaluate and re-assess continuously. So, there's been this process of thinking how I can improve. I need to start making plans. But for the time being, I want to enjoy now and do less worrying about the future.
Something quite strange happened to me yesterday, I was doing my grocery shopping when the lady at the cashier commented how difficult it was buying for a single person. Umm, I didn't know whether to be offended to be honest! What part of my shopping trolley screamed "I'M SINGLE!!". I could have easily been shopping for two...or more! I can only think that I attracted those remarks. Hey. Whatever. It made me think, I came to the conclusion that I'm NOT going to start a crazy online search for romance... It's not easy anyway, who is going to understand my lifestyle. Yoga. Meditation. I'm 25...most guys I know are into good times and music. Most guys I know, know me too well and aren't interested anyway LOL. Satya.
But last night, staring at the smiling face of the moon in the London sky I felt absolutely fine.
Here goes *New Post* ...it's been a while. A million and one things tick tocking around my mind like a song you can't get out of your head.
I've been to Budapest! I was poorly...oh no! Sod's Law. Fook. No, really poorly... Tried my best to not let it get to me and tried and tried...i eventually cried out of frustration and got angry with it. Horrah tears! Not horrah for anger! But EMOTION. Increasingly, I feel like i'm becoming this emotional-less but never-the-less very zen hippy. Hippy. Hmm. I've promised myself to start making a bit more effort with how I look. I mean, a bit of mascara would not hurt... Also, I'm vowing to keep my social life alive despite a dedicated yoga practice. Practice. Full Primary + drop backs and a new teacher (whilst my teacher is on maternity leave).
I've not posted for a while because there has been so much to say and I've not really felt like sharing. But then the beat in my head keeps pounding so tap tap tap, I type and let the words flow out.
The holiday in Hungary seemed to bring up a lot of questions. The most prominent which rendered me speechless was "What do I really want?" I.e., what are my dreams? I think I've lost sight of them somewhat or maybe it's just the belief in manifesting them. Nothing's impossible, right? But for every want there seems to be a but. Something I need to work on.
Coming back to London felt like coming home. There's nothing I love more than these streets, these sights and sounds, these friends and these cats in my house. Yet (But) I yearn to make to make my own home, have my own cats and someone to share it with too.
Desperately yours... oh God, did I just write (admit) those things???????
