No More Toe Dipping

I'm the type of person who tends to test the water before diving in.

The thing is, I feel ready to dive now.

This is really all about commitment. I've been pretty averse to committment, until now. I've realized, I am committed. Committed to my job and committed to being kind to myself and others around me...to the best of my ability.

So. I've been doing some thinking.

I'm actually committed to yoga and my practice too. Not only does it have physical and mental benefits but the lifestyle is also conducive to how I want my lifestyle now. I'm not a student anymore..(i.e., I'm more hippy, less raver). I have responsibility! I have responsibility for others and I now realize, for myself.

This all comes before agreeing to partying with friends this weekend...I'm sure I can find some kind of balance here?!

Advice anyone??!

Everyone is in love

I've come to my favourite cafe to write. It's not my favourite because of the coffee/food/surroundings but because I love to come here alone. But this chocolate chip shortcake is pretty amazing too.

Armed with a book and a pen, I'm just like everybody else; invisible. Well, not quite unnoticed; I'm mentally observing and writing everyone around me glance by glance. My mind makes sense of why they're here, what they're doing and maybe even, what they make of me.

It's the first day of my half-term break.

I feel tired...but good. I feel, you know, very content.

On reflection, I've achieved a lot these seven weeks of school. I'm pleased with work and I'm pleased with life...and practice. I am happy. I am content. I'm enjoying it all and taking it all in, appreciating moment by moment.

Nevertheless, it's innately natural to want to keep moving forward and to think about the future. And first comes building that future in my head.

Bizarrely, on more than one occasion this week I've been asked if I want my own children. In fact, the question from the shop assistant was, "Do you have your own children?" Which, begs the question how old did she think I was?! My reply was a hasty, "No," followed by, "but I would like to." This admittance was after discussing the exact same thing with my yoga teacher earlier in the week (who is pregnant with her second baby by the way). Ever since I was old enough to take care of one, I've loved children and entertaining them. Granted it took me a while in my adult-life to discover that this would become my vocation.

I bounced back the question to the girl as I tend to do with such personal requests for information. She said, "Yeah, of course," and continued to tell me how she was studying medicine and that having children was a big issue for female doctors, i.e., when it was a good time to start a family.

It's a huge thing for me to talk about...as with every woman there's no guarantee you will live happily ever after and be successful in love, marriage and babies. I accept that.

There is OF COURSE the very small detail that I don't even have a significant other in my life. Nor do I feel I could emotionally cope with that right now. Heck, I've pretty much never been in a real relationship to tell the truth.* After numerous flittering romances, I gave up the notion of a Walt Disney kind of love and instead, took a more cynical, scientific approach. LOVE = CHEMICAL. Hormonal. Temporary. Like eating ice-cream, delightful and more-ish but the sweet taste passes. Like every emotion dissipates, love does.

Crucially, I'm very unwilling to adjust my life for someone else. A potential boyfriend must be yoga friendly, undemanding of my time but very attentive, kind and loving. Not an easy find! The men I meet in clubs (when I do go out!) are too in love with escapism (music/booze/drugs) and the shala is not exactly an excellent meeting place either. It's a spiritual place. As my friend would so elegantly say, "one should not shit where they eat."

So, I'm afraid this is my position.

25 and in love with a dream.

The End.

* As honest as my blog has the courage to be.

Can i do this?

WOOP!

Holibobs time sooooon.

In the words of a dear friend, "I'm (th)WHACKED!"

School is taking it out of me. Some days are great, some are terrible! I spoke to my lovely teacher friend last Saturday evening and soaked up her positivity, my own having been sucked from my core that week. Can i do this? Resonated in my mind the entire weekend. It was a stressful week! One of many to come. Can i do this?

Practice is good. I seem to go through phases of strength, shifting (change) then soreness... Can i do this?

There's that moany child inside me wanting to curl up, part of it wants to cry too, part of it knows it's all part of the process. Then the child does something silly like jumping through and plummeting way off the mat and it smiles and laughs..

A cup of tea solves EVERYTHING

I think it's the smallest things in life that bring me most joy. A cup of tea, for instance. Warm and soothing. Sweet and made with full fat cows milk reminds me of being a child and being made weak tea at my auntie and uncle's house (who were actually neighbours and family friends). Now in my adult life, whenever i face some kind of mental trauma, i turn to tea!

I knew something was niggling at me over the past couple of weeks. I could sense a light uneven breath. Deep down I knew that I was too busy and too hectic last week and that left too little time for myself and too little time to rest. So this week I've been sleeping like a baby and crying (if tears would actually emerge!) like one too. When my friend died a couple of years ago now, I remember making a brew. It was her birthday last weekend so I know my thoughts have been with her perhaps more than usual and with more sad news from friends I'm constantly reminded that life is so fragile..and so should be enjoyed!

But. I'm changing. My definition of enjoyment isn't the same as it was in my early 20's. I feel caught between this old person and this new one who's growing below the surface of my skin.. and it's frustrating. And i want to cry. And i want my mum! And i just want someone to tell me everything's going to be okay.

It is.

My life is hectic. School is hectic.. My yoga practice is...wait for it - hectic!

I'm surprised how short i've managed to make my once two hour practice. I'm sure it can be even shorter! Minus adjustments to my yoga towel and the extra breaths I take here and there.

Today I actually almost had a breakdown though. I got stuck in Bhudjapidasana..as my teacher put it, like a beetle. I couldn't lift up when i put my head down. Silly SILLY mistake cos i was trying to lift UP and not thinking forwards! But anyway, i was there STUCK thinking what can i do? Shout for help? How do i collapse out of this?! OH MY GOD i'm STUUUUUUUCK. I eventually fell on my side after making a pathetic last struggling moan/wimper and i just wanted to weep.

I feel so frustrated with myself to be honest. Like, why can't i do this?! Is it me, am i not putting enough effort in? Is it my mind?

Then my frustration follows me to work. I try my hardest to organize things in the most effective way but i have to keep changing things and re-evaluating and things don't get done or don't get the attention they deserve because there's just not enough TIME in the day. The same could be said for my practice too. It all corresponds.

Re the tears, my teacher says it's good. She says it's a sign i'm changing..

I'm gona sup on this cup of tea and take comfort.

This is it.

There is still so much to look forward to. But what I really *need* to do is enjoy here. Enjoy now.

This week has been such a whirlwind..I'm weary from every conversation, dance..drink!

This upcoming week is going to be calm. I need to get my breath back. I need to rest. I need this time, like now to; sit, write, ponder and gaze.

I loved loved LOVED seeing my Mum and Dad and my birthday was the best birthday ever. FACT. From raving with old and dear friends in Liverpool to twirling with new bendy friends in London. I'm so grateful to everyone that made it special and held me in their thoughts.

I'm reading The Prophet - a birthday gift.

It's my pledge to read more as I have SO much to read. Every journey now will be spent clutching a book! Soaking it up.