So much to look forward to...

I'm really looking forward to the next few months.

I love September. I love the crisp, clear mornings, blue skies and sea of leaves.

Mostly, I'm looking forward to seeing my Mum and Dad very soon. They have always done their best for me and have helped me so much..i'm still their baby and they miss me too. The best place is definitely making my home away but a percentage of me still belongs in Lancastrian hills..

On being single, i'm loving my freedom...not having any interests, not being interested in any interests. Now i'm working and EARNING i'm already planning to travel before my first wage even hits my bank. There's a a whole world beyond East London and i want to explore it. I want more yoga. More fun. More contentment. More of this feeling that i really don't care or waste my energy caring about things i can't control. More feeling that i'm powerful. I'm really on a massive high but at the same time, i'm only just whisking the wave.

My 25th birthday celebrations will include visiting Liverpool this weekend..catching up with some nearest and dearest as well as A LOT of dancing. Then next week, going to the Lion King with my folks..as well as practicing on my actual birthday. With all the rest I'm getting this week (Moon Day and missing a couple of days) i know i'll be strong.

I am strong.

I am balanced.

I'm looking forward to more of this.

Listen to me..

I miss my best friend in Carlisle..she always listened. REALLY listened. In fact, she taught ME to listen better to others..and in context to children who can't always communicate as efficiently as adults are able to. And then there are some adults who still struggle to communicate. They struggle to be heard. There are the adults who don't or won't listen.

I've learned to listen to myself as I've matured. I know when I'm sad. I know when i'm happy, content..when i'm in love! I know myself well. I listen hard. I listen to the kids in my class..even when they don't make any sense at all with their broken English, broken sentences, mumbling..I listen and wholeheartedly try to give them my utmost attention. Because they, like everyone else, deserve to be listened to. It hurts me, it makes me sad, irritated, annoyed, frustrated when people don't truly listen to either themselves or more so, to others.

The friend I have on Facebook who tires herself working too hard on a weekly basis only needs to re-read her status updates and actually SEE her continuous cycle of behaviour of working herself to the ground and then feeling down as a result. Then their is the friend that doesn't want to listen..they just want to talk about themselves. They've no time. They have bigger fish to fry...

When i listen to people, i try to connect. I try to relate..and try to see things from their point of view. I wonder what i would do. Because i am you.

Listen to me.

Inhale, Exhale..Exhale Exhale Exhale

It's becoming hard to find the time to blog!

Where am I?

Back in school..

Back on track..

Back in love with yoga..backbending

Back in love with life.

I am here.

I finally feel like I have my purpose again:

1. To be the best teacher I can be

2. To be the best learner I can be (on and off my mat)

I didn't realize how much I'd fallen for this Ashtanga lark until this weekend when my Mum commented that I was obsessed!

A weird twist of fate meant that I spent the whole weekend immersed in Ashtanga with none-the-less than Kino Macgregor and my shala shanti chums. Once again, evidence that I am truly blessed! All for free as people's unwanted places came flooding my way... thank you thank you thank you. Saturday morning, I was delighted to start led at 10pm (late for the Mysore devotees!).. I actually wanted to cry, overwhelmed with the excitable, energy and love of the room. I wanted to cry because I was there. I was breathing and felt such great clarity. Suddenly, everything was alright..dripping, POURING sweat, i melted into my practice. Practicing next to Helen made it even more special, I had unknowingly put my mat next to hers. Helen was there at the start of my yoga journey in Liverpool, when I first practiced with my first teacher, she even taught me when my teacher was away in India.

Saturday afternoon, an inversions workshop, was not what I expected at all! Yogic lesson: Let go of expectation! We seemed to spend a lot of time in Bakasana, balancing and jumping back (or attempting to!). Kino explained that when she always wanted to gain strength from her practice..physically, emotionally, mentally. DITTO. This is the first time in my life since I was probably about 15 years old (realistically) that I have not been glued to an exercise machine. This practice is about my life and building strength where I am weak, facing fears and accepting myself and others. And it's about understanding.

Kino ROCKS.

This woman is beyond inspiring.. meeting her I actually felt star-struck! And that's not like me at all. We are one. I don't believe in being better than others or celebrity..but hearing this woman speak, what she said and HOW and connecting with her so deeply; I was a goof.

Sunday, I practiced with my regular teacher and had a great practice again..binding Supta Kurmasana and touching (kissing!) feet! I am really beginning to like this asana haha. Then back to Kino for Second Series fun in the afternoon. Backbending YES YES YESSSSSSSSS. Can't not say that Bikram didn't help prepare me for some of the 'challenging postures' and I was willing to give everything a shot and think I'll be here in my practice one day.

It was a truly fabulous weekend.

Today. I. Was. Stiff!! Boy, was my practice a struggle..every vinyasa hurt! But I'm so glad that my teacher was relentless and made me bind my Supta K. I will not give in to that whiney child that lurks within that just wants wants wants now now now, that's not how it is. Finally, I'm beginning to see that. Flippin' finally!!

However, with a tube strike looming tomorrow morning, I think I'll stay in bed and have a 'lye in'..rest my aching body, and rest Wednesday as it's a Moon Day woohoo! Rest to revive innit.

Navel Gazing

I think I have started a post about three times this week, well, three times since the last one! I'm losing all track of time thanks to having so much of it on my hands. I *think* and the people around me *know* that I've been going a bit stir crazy 'navel gazing' (as Mel put it). YES. I am looking forward to starting work again..YES, I want long full(filling) days that wear me out and YES, I want to think about more than myself (and yoga!).

Let's put all this into perspective Jen (talking to myself YES):

You're living in London and you have amazing, wonderful, FABULOUS and inspiring AND supportive friends (all over the globe might I add), you have a job you love doing and in an area you want to make a difference in, you're young, you're FREE and yes, yes, you're single but you're only just brushing 25 (it's allowed!).

So, YES, you see you *should* be well chuffed love.

I am.

But i struggle because I'm one of those really annoying, irritating people (just like my mother) who's never happy..or rarely look like that they are (truly). I'm constantly striving. Constantly looking forward wanting MORE MORE MORE. If i'm honest. If I don't lie to myself and that was going to be the subject of another post..the self-betrayal, I am this kind of person. I want progression. Always. I can't bear to stand still. Even in my practice, I've noticed that I often don't finish an exhale before I'm bounding into the next asana. "Slow down Jenny!!" I can hear my Dad exclaim.

And breathe.

I can hear my Mum and Dad say a lot of things that I used to dispute and now. Now. They ring true.

A friend sent me this quote: “The greatest magnifying glasses in the world are a man's own eyes when they look upon his own person.”

This time I've had to look upon myself has been both wondrous and grueling.

It's clarified a few things for sure.

Bikram Break-Up, Breakout and Blues

My 'bites' are now just spots..lovely! My skin is rudely rebelling against me and I've morphed into a 17 year old girl again. Come to think of it, I am still that girl in more ways.. but not completely. I certainly would not have had the courage to stand in (teeny) shorts and sports bra and POUR sweat for an hour and a half IN FRONT OF A MIRROR AND A ROOM FULL OF (beautiful) PEOPLE when I was 17. I think I've expressed before that this has been the big challenge for me with regards to Bikram..as well as withstanding the heat and restraining my ego to not over-stretch! Looking at my reflection today, I felt a sense of achievement and acceptance. I suppose in my Ashtanga practice although rolls of fat might be staring me in the face in asanas such as Pindasana, there's not a constant visual reminder of every extra fold. My motivation to lose those is binding now not aesthetics.

Only 5 more days before my Bikram pass will expire anyway. Bye-bye Bikram..but i'll probably be back for more(!).

And.

Blues.

I still feel really quite flat. I don't know what's wrong with me. Yesterday, I was absolutely overcome with anger and infuriated with a receptionist who IMO insulted my intelligence! Completely irrational behaviour.

Today, I just feel flat..and I'm missing my Mum and Dad! There is that 17 year old seeping through again.

I suppose I just need to be living for something else (deep); a goal OR for other people..so I'm sure i'll be cured when I'm back at school.

Pop-a-blog

So I was saying to Kevin today over post practice Sunday dandelion pop that I should blog as it's been a while and I suppose a lot has occurred. I've been bitten by beach flies (or something!) and have a million (one exaggerates) bites that are itchy like HELL (one exaggerates), my body has felt weary, tired, sore..my mind; weary, tired, sore, my heart; weary, tired, sore. There's lots wrong with the grammar in that sentence! But basically, last week was a bit hit and miss. I visited my very lovely friend in her hometown and felt homesick..but had a very lovely time. Then came back to London to feel like SHIT. I went to bed. Shut myself away..which is the usual behaviour pattern. I suppose, as I was explaining this morning, I feel like I've hit a bit of a lull. I mean, I'm a very goal driven person (*official* definition of myself) and to learn that goals and striving are NOT conducive to happiness has been hard to chew. I'm also aware that with all this time on my hands during the school holidays, I'm spending too much time thinking about ME and not enough of my time is spent on others..in particular, little people. My class. With less than two weeks to go until I start my first year of teaching things will change now.

I've also been a shit person..said, done some crappy things which I regret. And I'm missing my family.

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME

Today's practice was great (non-attachment!) hamstring, shoulders and knees(!) better after a massage on Friday and REST last week. Funny that I was absolutely WIRED after a mug full of fresh coffee and charged through, huffing and puffing. If my body allows it, I'd love a bit of Bikram this week.

And relax.

And breathe.

Oh Elaine..as my housemate would say.

Unconditional

Willing to experience aloneness,

I discover connection everywhere;

Turning to face my fear,

I meet the warrior who lives within;

Opening to my loss,

I gain the embrace of the universe;

Surrendering into emptiness,

I find fullness without end.

Each condition I flee from pursues me,

Each condition I welcome transforms me

And becomes itself transformed

Into it's radiant jewel-like essence.

I bow to the one who has made it so,

Who has crafted this Master Game;

To play it is purest delight -

To honor its form, true devotion.

Jennifer Paine Welwood