Everyone is in love

I've come to my favourite cafe to write. It's not my favourite because of the coffee/food/surroundings but because I love to come here alone. But this chocolate chip shortcake is pretty amazing too.

Armed with a book and a pen, I'm just like everybody else; invisible. Well, not quite unnoticed; I'm mentally observing and writing everyone around me glance by glance. My mind makes sense of why they're here, what they're doing and maybe even, what they make of me.

It's the first day of my half-term break.

I feel tired...but good. I feel, you know, very content.

On reflection, I've achieved a lot these seven weeks of school. I'm pleased with work and I'm pleased with life...and practice. I am happy. I am content. I'm enjoying it all and taking it all in, appreciating moment by moment.

Nevertheless, it's innately natural to want to keep moving forward and to think about the future. And first comes building that future in my head.

Bizarrely, on more than one occasion this week I've been asked if I want my own children. In fact, the question from the shop assistant was, "Do you have your own children?" Which, begs the question how old did she think I was?! My reply was a hasty, "No," followed by, "but I would like to." This admittance was after discussing the exact same thing with my yoga teacher earlier in the week (who is pregnant with her second baby by the way). Ever since I was old enough to take care of one, I've loved children and entertaining them. Granted it took me a while in my adult-life to discover that this would become my vocation.

I bounced back the question to the girl as I tend to do with such personal requests for information. She said, "Yeah, of course," and continued to tell me how she was studying medicine and that having children was a big issue for female doctors, i.e., when it was a good time to start a family.

It's a huge thing for me to talk about...as with every woman there's no guarantee you will live happily ever after and be successful in love, marriage and babies. I accept that.

There is OF COURSE the very small detail that I don't even have a significant other in my life. Nor do I feel I could emotionally cope with that right now. Heck, I've pretty much never been in a real relationship to tell the truth.* After numerous flittering romances, I gave up the notion of a Walt Disney kind of love and instead, took a more cynical, scientific approach. LOVE = CHEMICAL. Hormonal. Temporary. Like eating ice-cream, delightful and more-ish but the sweet taste passes. Like every emotion dissipates, love does.

Crucially, I'm very unwilling to adjust my life for someone else. A potential boyfriend must be yoga friendly, undemanding of my time but very attentive, kind and loving. Not an easy find! The men I meet in clubs (when I do go out!) are too in love with escapism (music/booze/drugs) and the shala is not exactly an excellent meeting place either. It's a spiritual place. As my friend would so elegantly say, "one should not shit where they eat."

So, I'm afraid this is my position.

25 and in love with a dream.

The End.

* As honest as my blog has the courage to be.

Can i do this?

WOOP!

Holibobs time sooooon.

In the words of a dear friend, "I'm (th)WHACKED!"

School is taking it out of me. Some days are great, some are terrible! I spoke to my lovely teacher friend last Saturday evening and soaked up her positivity, my own having been sucked from my core that week. Can i do this? Resonated in my mind the entire weekend. It was a stressful week! One of many to come. Can i do this?

Practice is good. I seem to go through phases of strength, shifting (change) then soreness... Can i do this?

There's that moany child inside me wanting to curl up, part of it wants to cry too, part of it knows it's all part of the process. Then the child does something silly like jumping through and plummeting way off the mat and it smiles and laughs..

A cup of tea solves EVERYTHING

I think it's the smallest things in life that bring me most joy. A cup of tea, for instance. Warm and soothing. Sweet and made with full fat cows milk reminds me of being a child and being made weak tea at my auntie and uncle's house (who were actually neighbours and family friends). Now in my adult life, whenever i face some kind of mental trauma, i turn to tea!

I knew something was niggling at me over the past couple of weeks. I could sense a light uneven breath. Deep down I knew that I was too busy and too hectic last week and that left too little time for myself and too little time to rest. So this week I've been sleeping like a baby and crying (if tears would actually emerge!) like one too. When my friend died a couple of years ago now, I remember making a brew. It was her birthday last weekend so I know my thoughts have been with her perhaps more than usual and with more sad news from friends I'm constantly reminded that life is so fragile..and so should be enjoyed!

But. I'm changing. My definition of enjoyment isn't the same as it was in my early 20's. I feel caught between this old person and this new one who's growing below the surface of my skin.. and it's frustrating. And i want to cry. And i want my mum! And i just want someone to tell me everything's going to be okay.

It is.

My life is hectic. School is hectic.. My yoga practice is...wait for it - hectic!

I'm surprised how short i've managed to make my once two hour practice. I'm sure it can be even shorter! Minus adjustments to my yoga towel and the extra breaths I take here and there.

Today I actually almost had a breakdown though. I got stuck in Bhudjapidasana..as my teacher put it, like a beetle. I couldn't lift up when i put my head down. Silly SILLY mistake cos i was trying to lift UP and not thinking forwards! But anyway, i was there STUCK thinking what can i do? Shout for help? How do i collapse out of this?! OH MY GOD i'm STUUUUUUUCK. I eventually fell on my side after making a pathetic last struggling moan/wimper and i just wanted to weep.

I feel so frustrated with myself to be honest. Like, why can't i do this?! Is it me, am i not putting enough effort in? Is it my mind?

Then my frustration follows me to work. I try my hardest to organize things in the most effective way but i have to keep changing things and re-evaluating and things don't get done or don't get the attention they deserve because there's just not enough TIME in the day. The same could be said for my practice too. It all corresponds.

Re the tears, my teacher says it's good. She says it's a sign i'm changing..

I'm gona sup on this cup of tea and take comfort.

This is it.

There is still so much to look forward to. But what I really *need* to do is enjoy here. Enjoy now.

This week has been such a whirlwind..I'm weary from every conversation, dance..drink!

This upcoming week is going to be calm. I need to get my breath back. I need to rest. I need this time, like now to; sit, write, ponder and gaze.

I loved loved LOVED seeing my Mum and Dad and my birthday was the best birthday ever. FACT. From raving with old and dear friends in Liverpool to twirling with new bendy friends in London. I'm so grateful to everyone that made it special and held me in their thoughts.

I'm reading The Prophet - a birthday gift.

It's my pledge to read more as I have SO much to read. Every journey now will be spent clutching a book! Soaking it up.

So much to look forward to...

I'm really looking forward to the next few months.

I love September. I love the crisp, clear mornings, blue skies and sea of leaves.

Mostly, I'm looking forward to seeing my Mum and Dad very soon. They have always done their best for me and have helped me so much..i'm still their baby and they miss me too. The best place is definitely making my home away but a percentage of me still belongs in Lancastrian hills..

On being single, i'm loving my freedom...not having any interests, not being interested in any interests. Now i'm working and EARNING i'm already planning to travel before my first wage even hits my bank. There's a a whole world beyond East London and i want to explore it. I want more yoga. More fun. More contentment. More of this feeling that i really don't care or waste my energy caring about things i can't control. More feeling that i'm powerful. I'm really on a massive high but at the same time, i'm only just whisking the wave.

My 25th birthday celebrations will include visiting Liverpool this weekend..catching up with some nearest and dearest as well as A LOT of dancing. Then next week, going to the Lion King with my folks..as well as practicing on my actual birthday. With all the rest I'm getting this week (Moon Day and missing a couple of days) i know i'll be strong.

I am strong.

I am balanced.

I'm looking forward to more of this.

Listen to me..

I miss my best friend in Carlisle..she always listened. REALLY listened. In fact, she taught ME to listen better to others..and in context to children who can't always communicate as efficiently as adults are able to. And then there are some adults who still struggle to communicate. They struggle to be heard. There are the adults who don't or won't listen.

I've learned to listen to myself as I've matured. I know when I'm sad. I know when i'm happy, content..when i'm in love! I know myself well. I listen hard. I listen to the kids in my class..even when they don't make any sense at all with their broken English, broken sentences, mumbling..I listen and wholeheartedly try to give them my utmost attention. Because they, like everyone else, deserve to be listened to. It hurts me, it makes me sad, irritated, annoyed, frustrated when people don't truly listen to either themselves or more so, to others.

The friend I have on Facebook who tires herself working too hard on a weekly basis only needs to re-read her status updates and actually SEE her continuous cycle of behaviour of working herself to the ground and then feeling down as a result. Then their is the friend that doesn't want to listen..they just want to talk about themselves. They've no time. They have bigger fish to fry...

When i listen to people, i try to connect. I try to relate..and try to see things from their point of view. I wonder what i would do. Because i am you.

Listen to me.

Inhale, Exhale..Exhale Exhale Exhale

It's becoming hard to find the time to blog!

Where am I?

Back in school..

Back on track..

Back in love with yoga..backbending

Back in love with life.

I am here.

I finally feel like I have my purpose again:

1. To be the best teacher I can be

2. To be the best learner I can be (on and off my mat)

I didn't realize how much I'd fallen for this Ashtanga lark until this weekend when my Mum commented that I was obsessed!

A weird twist of fate meant that I spent the whole weekend immersed in Ashtanga with none-the-less than Kino Macgregor and my shala shanti chums. Once again, evidence that I am truly blessed! All for free as people's unwanted places came flooding my way... thank you thank you thank you. Saturday morning, I was delighted to start led at 10pm (late for the Mysore devotees!).. I actually wanted to cry, overwhelmed with the excitable, energy and love of the room. I wanted to cry because I was there. I was breathing and felt such great clarity. Suddenly, everything was alright..dripping, POURING sweat, i melted into my practice. Practicing next to Helen made it even more special, I had unknowingly put my mat next to hers. Helen was there at the start of my yoga journey in Liverpool, when I first practiced with my first teacher, she even taught me when my teacher was away in India.

Saturday afternoon, an inversions workshop, was not what I expected at all! Yogic lesson: Let go of expectation! We seemed to spend a lot of time in Bakasana, balancing and jumping back (or attempting to!). Kino explained that when she always wanted to gain strength from her practice..physically, emotionally, mentally. DITTO. This is the first time in my life since I was probably about 15 years old (realistically) that I have not been glued to an exercise machine. This practice is about my life and building strength where I am weak, facing fears and accepting myself and others. And it's about understanding.

Kino ROCKS.

This woman is beyond inspiring.. meeting her I actually felt star-struck! And that's not like me at all. We are one. I don't believe in being better than others or celebrity..but hearing this woman speak, what she said and HOW and connecting with her so deeply; I was a goof.

Sunday, I practiced with my regular teacher and had a great practice again..binding Supta Kurmasana and touching (kissing!) feet! I am really beginning to like this asana haha. Then back to Kino for Second Series fun in the afternoon. Backbending YES YES YESSSSSSSSS. Can't not say that Bikram didn't help prepare me for some of the 'challenging postures' and I was willing to give everything a shot and think I'll be here in my practice one day.

It was a truly fabulous weekend.

Today. I. Was. Stiff!! Boy, was my practice a struggle..every vinyasa hurt! But I'm so glad that my teacher was relentless and made me bind my Supta K. I will not give in to that whiney child that lurks within that just wants wants wants now now now, that's not how it is. Finally, I'm beginning to see that. Flippin' finally!!

However, with a tube strike looming tomorrow morning, I think I'll stay in bed and have a 'lye in'..rest my aching body, and rest Wednesday as it's a Moon Day woohoo! Rest to revive innit.