Winter Blues?

As beautiful as it is, can it not be warmer?

November was a tough month for several reasons. Some that I've talked about on here...some that I've not. What I want to refrain from writing is that I have been really really down. I think I hit the all time low in Carlisle after graduating. My body was frozen to the core and it was all a bit much for me. The ending. The beginning. The not knowing. The (then) emptiness.

So I suppose I have been in a retreat mode.

Thankfully, I managed to get my arse out this weekend and enjoy myself catching up with friends. Drinking mulled wine and such. Lovely.

I have started a list of all the things I'm putting off doing (causing anxiety) and of all the next steps.

And I'm experimenting with a light lamp. Let's see if that helps cos honestly, I do feel a bit SAD.

When it Clicks.

And ahhh, blog TIME.

Let me recap before I begin. Last week, I was poorly. Energy ZAPPED, so weak, so DONE. A few days recuperation (and retreat from the world) cured that.

Yoga first. Practice last Sunday was incredibly exhilarating. Something shifted in my body, something IS shifting and I'm reaching new levels of deepness in postures and suddenly things are clicking into place. I am strong. You know those *special* days when you're the only person in the room and it's just you and your body? Nothing else exists.

By the time I got to Supta Kurmasana, I was dripping with sweat. Like, literally I was pouring sweat into the floor in front of me...and I *knew* that it was going to be the day I finally managed to bind my hands and feet in this pose. And finally, finally, it clicked. My shoulder clicked too. Exhilaration. Joy. I did it. Pressed into the floor, bound up. I LOVE this posture.

I think for me and for others I've discussed Supta Kurmasana with (Mel), this pose is so humbling. I also had to let go of a lot of fear. I have a slightly irrational fear that I'm going to break my shoulders but I *know* it's just a case of my body becoming accustomed. I suppose, my body and my mind actually.

Following practice, I had a lovely yogi breakfast and then toddled off to meet a friend. It was a beautiful day, crisp clear skies but sooo cold. God had just turned winter on. Hours later, I was having the most amazing (exhilarating) time with my friend and his friend (who I instantly adored too) when I realized my bag had been nicked from the chair i'd put it on in the bar we were drinking in. Exhilaration turned to fury...turned to despair. I couldn't stop myself from swearing. My mum threatened to hang up the phone, I was swearing so much. I was furious. Then the tears came. I struggle to cry. I can feel hurt, upset, angry and still, not cry. Then, something, something *clicks* and I can't stop the tears from rolling.

Thankfully, I stayed with my friend that evening (keys stolen). I was up early enough to pit-stop at the shala to sit for 15 minutes before going straight to school. I had called my colleague who brought me a change of clothes. I am so blessed.

In a way, it was liberating to lose my bag. To lose the things I *need*.

I am pissed off about losing my camera though. Bastards. Ipod and Oyster (travel) card too.

In a way, it's funny that the day I got the bind, I lost my stuff. Most humbling. It's funny I ended up in tears too after wanting to on my mat.

My body has been a little bit broken since Sunday. Nothing really to write home about but my shoulders have been sore and hamstrings have been niggling. Deep Heat is a dear friend. I've done a full 6 day week as well.. I was going to practice today but I couldn't muster the motivation this morning to do it. Plus, I think I need to rest. No, I know. And I wanted to blog. Writing this stuff down is therapeutic.

I have a weekend IN ahead. My classroom practice has faced external moderation this week and I want a weekend where I can do school work, buy things for my classroom and rest up. Hopefully, shift a lingering cold too.

It's funny though, I long for excitement. More. Ha!

Oooh, and my bag was retrieved. A lovely couple found it thrown over their garden wall and managed to contact me from cards I kept in my purse. Yes, yes, I am one lucky girl.

Sickness and Shadows

Okay, so I went out last weekend and had SUPER fun with my friends. Dressed as Twister (for Halloween fancy dress).

As my housemate would say, I chose life. I treated myself to a Bikram class on Saturday before I went, as I couldn't bare the thought of not practicing any yoga for three whole days (not that awful really is it?!) Bikram was really hard and I found myself resisting the teacher and being irritated by him. So I gave up, didn't put my heart and soul into and just got through the class. It made me late getting ready to leave London too. I don't think I'll be practicing Bikram for a very long time. I think each to their own but Ashtanga is my chosen practice.

This week has been a funny old week since. I couldn't practice Monday, as I am committed to babysitting one weekday morning each week. I could have gone to a friend's Hatha class on the Monday evening but after my day I just wanted to get to bed..and actually, my day wasn't too bad considering I really lacked in motivation (still tired from the weekend). But then Tuesday...bleugh!! I made it to practice after nearly rolling over, then blacked out a few times during standing (had to go to the floor to stop myself from falling over), then I did actually fall on my head in Bhujapidasana -sideways. Ouch. Think I uttered a quiet, "fuck!". Then got up and did it again...without bashing myself.

I had training that morning so I wasn't in school but then I couldn't shake the queasy feeling. I felt sick and weak. I was sent home where I went back to bed. My dreams were haunted by things on my mind and I was scared to close my eyes that night for fear of the nightmares. The most terrifying and most vivid was one where I couldn't breathe and my body was kind of fitting. I couldn't control my movement and I couldn't speak. Horrifying. Like I was losing control of my body but still present in my mind. I've suffered from bad dreams before when I've been sick - maybe it's fever which brings it on. In the end, I had a nice sleep that night but I didn't practice yesterday and I took another day off work. I spent most of the day in bed again but felt more lively by the afternoon. I hate being ill...it's a very lonely time. Nobody can comfort me and it's a real test for me to able to sit still and just be...without being too in my head, over-thinking situations or fantasizing too much. Ultimately creating more darkness for myself. Cos it's the distractions which make life more bearable...all the things we take for granted when we're healthy. Being sociable and having the energy, the gusto to get out there. When we're poorly, lust for life diminishes and we're forced to rest.

Although, this weekend was great. It wasn't without drama. Not that I'm shocked by events - just hmm perhaps, disheartened. I can't help but feel hopeless sometimes. It's normal. I'm not always positive. No one is. Shit happens and well, we just have to trudge along through the good and the bad...like when we fall over, we just have to get back up and try again. It probably won't be the last time I fall over, but I'm not afraid of falling now I know exactly how it feels and I know I'll survive!

I have so much to be grateful for. So much. I don't want to search for things to complain about because ya know, my life is pretty sweet and I'll be fully better very soon. Everything passes. Life is not without it's highs and inevitable lows but without the sun there are no shadows.

No More Toe Dipping

I'm the type of person who tends to test the water before diving in.

The thing is, I feel ready to dive now.

This is really all about commitment. I've been pretty averse to committment, until now. I've realized, I am committed. Committed to my job and committed to being kind to myself and others around me...to the best of my ability.

So. I've been doing some thinking.

I'm actually committed to yoga and my practice too. Not only does it have physical and mental benefits but the lifestyle is also conducive to how I want my lifestyle now. I'm not a student anymore..(i.e., I'm more hippy, less raver). I have responsibility! I have responsibility for others and I now realize, for myself.

This all comes before agreeing to partying with friends this weekend...I'm sure I can find some kind of balance here?!

Advice anyone??!

Everyone is in love

I've come to my favourite cafe to write. It's not my favourite because of the coffee/food/surroundings but because I love to come here alone. But this chocolate chip shortcake is pretty amazing too.

Armed with a book and a pen, I'm just like everybody else; invisible. Well, not quite unnoticed; I'm mentally observing and writing everyone around me glance by glance. My mind makes sense of why they're here, what they're doing and maybe even, what they make of me.

It's the first day of my half-term break.

I feel tired...but good. I feel, you know, very content.

On reflection, I've achieved a lot these seven weeks of school. I'm pleased with work and I'm pleased with life...and practice. I am happy. I am content. I'm enjoying it all and taking it all in, appreciating moment by moment.

Nevertheless, it's innately natural to want to keep moving forward and to think about the future. And first comes building that future in my head.

Bizarrely, on more than one occasion this week I've been asked if I want my own children. In fact, the question from the shop assistant was, "Do you have your own children?" Which, begs the question how old did she think I was?! My reply was a hasty, "No," followed by, "but I would like to." This admittance was after discussing the exact same thing with my yoga teacher earlier in the week (who is pregnant with her second baby by the way). Ever since I was old enough to take care of one, I've loved children and entertaining them. Granted it took me a while in my adult-life to discover that this would become my vocation.

I bounced back the question to the girl as I tend to do with such personal requests for information. She said, "Yeah, of course," and continued to tell me how she was studying medicine and that having children was a big issue for female doctors, i.e., when it was a good time to start a family.

It's a huge thing for me to talk about...as with every woman there's no guarantee you will live happily ever after and be successful in love, marriage and babies. I accept that.

There is OF COURSE the very small detail that I don't even have a significant other in my life. Nor do I feel I could emotionally cope with that right now. Heck, I've pretty much never been in a real relationship to tell the truth.* After numerous flittering romances, I gave up the notion of a Walt Disney kind of love and instead, took a more cynical, scientific approach. LOVE = CHEMICAL. Hormonal. Temporary. Like eating ice-cream, delightful and more-ish but the sweet taste passes. Like every emotion dissipates, love does.

Crucially, I'm very unwilling to adjust my life for someone else. A potential boyfriend must be yoga friendly, undemanding of my time but very attentive, kind and loving. Not an easy find! The men I meet in clubs (when I do go out!) are too in love with escapism (music/booze/drugs) and the shala is not exactly an excellent meeting place either. It's a spiritual place. As my friend would so elegantly say, "one should not shit where they eat."

So, I'm afraid this is my position.

25 and in love with a dream.

The End.

* As honest as my blog has the courage to be.

Can i do this?

WOOP!

Holibobs time sooooon.

In the words of a dear friend, "I'm (th)WHACKED!"

School is taking it out of me. Some days are great, some are terrible! I spoke to my lovely teacher friend last Saturday evening and soaked up her positivity, my own having been sucked from my core that week. Can i do this? Resonated in my mind the entire weekend. It was a stressful week! One of many to come. Can i do this?

Practice is good. I seem to go through phases of strength, shifting (change) then soreness... Can i do this?

There's that moany child inside me wanting to curl up, part of it wants to cry too, part of it knows it's all part of the process. Then the child does something silly like jumping through and plummeting way off the mat and it smiles and laughs..

A cup of tea solves EVERYTHING

I think it's the smallest things in life that bring me most joy. A cup of tea, for instance. Warm and soothing. Sweet and made with full fat cows milk reminds me of being a child and being made weak tea at my auntie and uncle's house (who were actually neighbours and family friends). Now in my adult life, whenever i face some kind of mental trauma, i turn to tea!

I knew something was niggling at me over the past couple of weeks. I could sense a light uneven breath. Deep down I knew that I was too busy and too hectic last week and that left too little time for myself and too little time to rest. So this week I've been sleeping like a baby and crying (if tears would actually emerge!) like one too. When my friend died a couple of years ago now, I remember making a brew. It was her birthday last weekend so I know my thoughts have been with her perhaps more than usual and with more sad news from friends I'm constantly reminded that life is so fragile..and so should be enjoyed!

But. I'm changing. My definition of enjoyment isn't the same as it was in my early 20's. I feel caught between this old person and this new one who's growing below the surface of my skin.. and it's frustrating. And i want to cry. And i want my mum! And i just want someone to tell me everything's going to be okay.

It is.

My life is hectic. School is hectic.. My yoga practice is...wait for it - hectic!

I'm surprised how short i've managed to make my once two hour practice. I'm sure it can be even shorter! Minus adjustments to my yoga towel and the extra breaths I take here and there.

Today I actually almost had a breakdown though. I got stuck in Bhudjapidasana..as my teacher put it, like a beetle. I couldn't lift up when i put my head down. Silly SILLY mistake cos i was trying to lift UP and not thinking forwards! But anyway, i was there STUCK thinking what can i do? Shout for help? How do i collapse out of this?! OH MY GOD i'm STUUUUUUUCK. I eventually fell on my side after making a pathetic last struggling moan/wimper and i just wanted to weep.

I feel so frustrated with myself to be honest. Like, why can't i do this?! Is it me, am i not putting enough effort in? Is it my mind?

Then my frustration follows me to work. I try my hardest to organize things in the most effective way but i have to keep changing things and re-evaluating and things don't get done or don't get the attention they deserve because there's just not enough TIME in the day. The same could be said for my practice too. It all corresponds.

Re the tears, my teacher says it's good. She says it's a sign i'm changing..

I'm gona sup on this cup of tea and take comfort.