Saturday 31 July 2010

Yoga Thoughts


I often have thoughts pop into my head during my yoga practice. Not always related to anything that day or things that are on my mind. These yoga realizations aren't always profound. But realizations nonetheless and they're quite important to me.

Yesterday's realization was that I'm actually happy with my life and who I am. Ahah. Is that contentment? Acceptance? Letting go of wants and needs? I tossed out a book of 'To Do in Life' lists when I moved to London. I think that constantly striving for more, for the next thing or for some illusionary pot of gold at the end of the rainbow was probably preventing me from just enjoying where I am. Same with my practice. I am happy with where I am.

I am here. (Thank you Mel and ALL my friends).

But if I throw away my goals..how do I keep moving forward? Who makes my universe? Me or the universe? The universe provides or does it decide???

Wednesday 28 July 2010

Fear and Resistance


My teacher told me today that the only thing stopping me from touching my crown to the floor in Bujapidasana is FEAR.

True. I think perhaps five years ago (or less) I was a lot more fearless.. I am going to be more fearless. I think this sounds like a new mantra.

As well as this fear though, I think that there is resistance. Resistance to do more. Resistance to break the cycle. This is changing too! I discussed my right shoulder with my teacher and the pain from binding in Mari D..then just said "Right then, let's go for it." Noises of discomfort (of good pain apparently!) ensued. It has improved sooo much but then it's still bugging me. I might have to stop using my laptop to really rest the muscle....... EEK.

Okay, so practice was stiff and awkward yesterday and still a little stiff today but certainly better..and certainly more enjoyable. I'm bound to have 'good' and 'bad' days like everyone else. Even superhumans do..and I'm still human after all ;)

I think that I was resistant to go back to Bikram too. Although it was a positive first try, I wondered whether it had had a positive effect on me. In the words of my housemate, I was all "discombobulated."

But I did.

Controversially it was amazing!!!!!! The 105 degree Fahrenheit heat didn't even bother me today. I even faced another fear as I bared even more flesh to those mirrors and stripped down to my teeny tiny bra top! As I wrote about yesterday, something I could never have done in times gone and especially, in that room of body beautiful Bikram people.
I suppose I kinda like being spoken to by the teacher for the 90 minutes ..and the teacher's words today really resonated with me like my own yoga teacher's words did this morning. Let go to the posture. Let go in life. Don't strive for perfection, instead strive for excellence. She made this workout worthwhile.

I have since stumbled upon this quote:
"There is no way to happiness and peace. Happiness and peace is the way." - Buddha.

I suppose with regards to fear, I felt a lot safer knowing what postures were coming up.
The time flew by.

After my yoga stint I mooched on the Thames, read my book, watched, listened, observed, reflected.

I've just returned home to read this post from one of my favourite bloggists:

I know the author of this does Bikram too so I feel like I can connect to her more now when she discusses her practice. I already connect to her greatly in her words on life.

Tuesday 27 July 2010

When in Doubt


SIT

I'm bursting to write this post before my thoughts are drowned.

Today was a funny old day and I knew it was from the stiff, PAINFUL practice this morning. That'll teach me for practicing on a moon day and BIKRAM at that! My teacher was not impressed.. Today was painful. Bloody Bikram's fault innit..it seems to have made me quite emotional. In this state, I can neither laugh nor cry but it's excruciating nonetheless.

After practice, I decided to go home and ditch my Bikram plans. Torturous and silly to do that when I was already aching.. Everything thereafter didn't go as planned and my mood dived. My friend that I was meant to meet for catch up and coffee was late and I was left in Liverpool St with me and my thoughts. So. I. SAT. I watched. I admired. I reflected. I spoke to my Mum. I conversed with dear friends. I made new friends. I became present. I came home to cooked dinner and a glass of wine. Where I am now. Everything is fine. Not everyday can be filled with dancing, some days are arduous hikes but then an exchange with a stranger can turn my day around. Dear, TRUE, friends old and new that love and accept me and *know* exactly when it's their turn to make me smile. Home-cooked food. Understanding hearts. Kindness.

Who says I don't meditate?

Monday 26 July 2010

The Bikram Challenge

I've only ever really been taught Ashtanga, bit of Hatha and recently one class of Yin Yoga. Ashtanga is definitely 'my' (form of) yoga. I have for a while wanted to try Bikram yoga though and with time on my hands I'm thinking WHY NOT?! I LOVE feeling heat and *really* sweating and I already sweat A LOT during Ashtanga so I'm intrigued as to what will happen to my body when practicing some yoga postures in a purposefully heated room! Saturated is the answer. So after speaking to lots of yogis and yoginis this weekend, I decided to take the plunge and give it a go this morning. Having never been before, I can take advantage of a month's unlimited classes at a very reasonable price..cheaper than a gym. Which is how I'm viewing this class, as a non-spiritual exercise to perhaps complement my Ashtanga practice whilst giving me a good workout.

Okay so here's my honest opinion of my first experience.

HOT.
NOT EASY.

I didn't really find the postures difficult but breathing in the heat was..and I suppose that is going to be the challenge for me. I thought the teacher *could* have perhaps given some easier alternatives to some postures or the option to rest as I think for a beginner or an unfit person the class would be VERY hard. But in her defense, she did keep reiterating to listen to your own body and not to push if it wasn't appropriate to. My heart was racing after the standing sequence anyway and I'd consider myself to be fit! It was nice that she did note that she did have two beginners in the class and called our names so she was aware who we were.

One thing I particularly didn't like was that the sequence of postures didn't seem to counteract/balance each other. So after backbends, no forward bends to ease my back out. I did one anyway. LOL.

The HUGE bugbear I have with the Bikram studio is actually the walls of mirrors! Five years ago or less, I don't think I would have been able to mentally cope with looking at myself in those mirrors, my internal voice would have been so critical of my shape that I would have left the room highly depressed. Not the case today. I did notice my shape is changing though..especially my shoulders! &if I'm being honest, I'm hopeful that Bikram will help to reduce some body fat without having to go for a run or give up cake. The communal showers which I washed comfortably in also affirmed that I am no longer bothered about how my body looks. I have ACCEPTED..and I have LET GO. So, all in all, a positive first experience I think. I'll be back tomorrow!!

Saturday 24 July 2010

Following Suit - A Practice Report

So, I feel the urge to document where I'm at with my practice right now. Miss P reminded me last night over lovely dinner (thank you thank you thank you) and chatter that I had completed my first 6 day week at the shala this week. I further discussed with her that I was contemplating an 'illegal' Mysore practice this morning and Monday, being a Moon day would suffice as rest. That would have made my practice an 8 day stint before resting..but alas, I decided I needed the rest today and although I'm trying my upmost best to ignore/defy it, I do have a sore throat and earache! I'm boiling cloves in an Ayurvedic attempt to tackle it as I type..

Led class yesterday was AWESOME. The full series to the best of my ability. Great energy in the room and comfortable/secure enough in my spot to even try things I wasn't so sure of (like Chakorasana). I'd say my body, although heavier, is at the same level of flexibility as when as I was practicing with my first teacher in Liverpool and I'm much stronger now.

Okay, so here goes with how primary shaped up yesterday..and it's also a good way for me to start actually learning Sanksrit posture names (HOW long have I been putting myself in these poses and I still don't know them! Practice certainly came before study pour moi!).
Surya Namaskara A's - enjoyable and quick. Energetic. It helps that I'm not slipping on my mat as much. Who needs moisturizer anyway? My skin is self cleansing and moisturizing with it's own sweat!
Surya Namaskara B's - 3 for led, so not as taxing as usual. Internal fire well and truly ignited. My Chaturanga is always strong. Perhaps the movement up to downward dog could be smoother and I am aware that I must work on fidgeting less in downward dog. Especially, moving my hands, bending my elbows slightly (due to the hyperextendingness) and checking my handspan with my stumpy thumbs straight out and not curved and middle finger shooting forwards. As well as pushing my calves backwards and looking at my NOSE! There's so much to think about in this seemingly simple posture it's no wonder I lose track of my breath count! Thank goodness for led, when it's the perfect opportunity to have even more awareness.

Standing Sequence: Standing is where I'd normally get a little sketchy on the order of the sequence - but alas, it's not been an issue this week! Towards the end anyway ;)
Padangusthasana and Padahastasana I've always enjoyed but must remember not to see them as a bit of a rest after the Suryas! I'm still working on getting my head between my legs and concentrating on my weight through my heels and of course bandhas! Utthita Trikonasana and Parivritta Trikonasana are more stable than ever. Utthita Parsvakonasana and Parivitta Parsvakonasana are stable too but I'm still working on getting my hand flat to the floor whilst still maintaining the twist and LIFT in reverse P.
Prasarita Padottanasanas are soooo much better now I don't fear actually doing the splits! Again, working on bandha strength here to work my chest vertically down, whilst moving my legs closer in if it's too easy for my head to touch the floor. I always knew I could touch my hands to the floor with assistance in C -so, now I need to work on doing this on my own.
Parsvottasana, feels steady and I can touch my chin to shin but I am rearranging my feet when I turn for the other leg - should I be doing? It kinda doesn't seem to flow but if I don't then my feet seem too close to each other (the right from the left).
Ahh, now, standing balance. Utthita Hasta Padungusthasana A-D -still shakey! It's all about the lift, bandha strength and strength in supporting leg (and ankle!) innit. Now, Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana why why why have I developed reluctance in this posture! I actually fell over in this this week and just kinda ended up on the floor sat cross legged so it's really not THAT awful to fall out of. Really need to LET GO here and just breath into it without my head going "You're upside down, on one leg in half lotus, you're gona fall!" Nope, not going to fall. Going to get my chin to shin. Yes.
Utkatasana -thigh burner and warriors Virabhadrasanas A and B lovely jubbly, must be aware that weight is going through both legs and drishti is correct with my head properly arched back in A.

Now seated. Dandasana and then an opportunity to mop up some sweat on my leggings. Paschimottanasana A - C are a lovely little rest but shouldn't be seen as one! Should be concentrating on chest to thighs and getting the wrist bind in C..which is possible when one puts a bit of effort in. Purvottanasana -working on lift in my hips and touching 10 toes to the floor, head straight back. Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimotttasana, easier than Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana, but I need to work my shoulders down so that they're aligned and my chest is straight over my leg. Trianga Mukhaikapada Paschimottanasana, same thing along with Janu Sirsasana A - C. I still REALLY need to work on C and encouraging (eventually!) my knee down..
I'm working on binding at my wrist in Marichyasana A, B and C and WOOOO *magically* my shoulder pain has disappeared and I can bind independently in D.
I'm focussing on my lift and keeping my back upright in Navasana rather than worrying about straightening my legs - I figure, once I have the bandha strength for the lift, my legs will just float straight up! ;)
Bhujapidasana is strong but I still need to develop the balance to touch my head to the floor..tips anyone? Mel?!
Kurmasana is cominggggg! Must remember to flex my feet and NO FEAR. I can bind in Supta Kurmasana with assistance but instead of concentrating on this in yesterday's led class, I touched my feet instead (towards crossing). Which should come first?!

Then this is normally where I'd start finishing sequence during a Mysore class but during led, one attempts it all.

Now, I may have to finish there and analyze my ability to do finishing postures in another post ;) as I'm off to a Yin and Meditation class by my lovely housemate. Rest? Yes.

Love and Light to all.

Tuesday 20 July 2010

Words on Change

A few things have been going on recently, I'll just mention a couple here. Yoga first. I'm in full ASHTANGA mode and practicing at the shala now. Loving my teacher's discipline and CAN DO approach to everything. Everyday my body feels different and my practice is changing. I managed to bind without any help in Mari D today but not with the dodgy right shoulder unfortunately. I'm still a bit afraid of the pain but I'm sure any day now I'll get it. Not that it matters..but throwing myself into my practice is helping every other aspect of my life so it's not wasted energy. At all.

Next on the list. A realization on my spiritual path (or LIFE). There's a behaviour pattern that I need to stop. I'm not going to be specific and talk about what it is. Changing my hair, moving, new career won't change me and my habitual behaviour. Unfortunately, this behaviour is pretty unhealthy, for me and for others and I'm grateful to the person that's brought it to my attention in a way that I can swallow. I'd like to think I'm overcome some bad behaviours from my past so I'm ready to tackle this one. DEEP BREATH. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much soul searching you do, sometimes you just need an observer (who is nevertheless very aware) to point out the obvious.

I think I've developed in my practice and in life in the last few months..and I like it. Change is good and necessary for progress. As I walked into the shala this morning my teacher said, "It's a new day," and i replied and said, "yes, and I've got new hair!" Today is my fresh opportunity to change more. And as i practiced some of the deep cherry red colour of my hair sweated out onto my freshly washed mat.

Tuesday 6 July 2010

Love for my Mat

I've never had an attachment to my own mat, until now. My ego loves that I can see where it's worn or at least dirty! I am enjoying and taking pride in my practice and I've practically given up moisturizer to prevent my slipping. Practicing is becoming serious business ;)

I practiced am and pm yesterday..Ashtanga in the am and then free play in the evening (which I've missed). This morning though, I'm thinking of all the London yoga lads and ladies on their mats whilst I blog and eat beans on toast. I suppose accepting wanting to practice and not wanting to practice is equally as important and also, letting go of any guilt I feel for not being in Trikonasana about now... There will be a Hatha class tonight so my day won't be completely without yoga :)

More on life. I'm settling into London and work. Still looking for summer work but adamant that the universe will provide. I'm slowing down. On and off the mat I'm slowing down, no hurry, no worry (thanks Mel!). Business is laziness (thanks Amanda!)..which i suppose kinda links to why I'm not fitting in practice right now. Fitting things into life is not how I live. I would always rather do things with passion or not at all..those things are life. Deepness. Shush mind and make jokes..

Shut up and practice.

Lots of love, sweat and tears.
Mat.

Thursday 1 July 2010

I am Blessed

Ooooh the week isn't even over and I am wanting to post highlights and general LIGHT..

So, I helped crowd control 60 four/five year old children to visit a hindu temple this week and although the kids were a bit of a nightmare, I had a very enlightening time. One of them innocently asked what the red spot was for on hindu people's heads and in order to explain I was volunteered up by my colleague for a blessing. The thought had never crossed my mind that I'd go to a temple and receive a blessing from a hindu priest - EVER. But it was magical. I now have a red string (kalava) on my right wrist, which I thankfully found out is the correct wrist for a woman as I'm unmarried. I might dip into another religion this weekend if I make it to the Dalai Lama's birthday celebrations..after checking out Pride! I think some of the children struggled with the concept of the different deities in hinduism representing one God. Apart from the blessing, something that the speaker told the children resonates in my mind. He said, "God is truth." Which reminds me of the John Keats quote I love, "Beauty is truth." And of course, there were many references to yoga..

Which leads me nicely onto babbling about my practice this morning when I was joined by John Scott..in DVD form. It was much like a led class, with the exclusion of all his fancy jumps and hand stands. I managed my full shala practice..and sans John yesterday. Tiredness consumes me today though and after a proactive day I'm wondering if it's insane to go to bed at 5.33pm..more insane than getting up at 5.03am??