Making Friends

A tap on the shoulder.

"Hey, I was sat next to you on the tube this morning..."

It's one of those uncanny coincidences! I was sat next to this woman on the tube on my way to Primrose Hill to practice this morning and now here we are 7 hours later bumping into each other boarding the escalator at Liverpool Street. In fact, the same happened to me yesterday when I stopped to speak to a couple riding through Victoria Park on my beloved new bike, Roma. On my way to Bethnal Green the woman complimented me on my helmet and asked where I had got it. I noted that they both had similar bikes to me. Hours later on my way back, the couple rode past me whilst I sat and basked in the sun, observing the view from the park. "Hey, nice bike," he said, "...you're the girl we saw earlier!" And we laughed.

London can be so random like that. Of all the people, it's possible to bump into each other again and even make friends. I can think of my lovely French friend as an example, whom I met on a bus back from Brixton one morning. When I think about it, now...my BEST friends, I have met in the most random ways. Lovers too. So maybe it's not just London. It's just how things happen, if you allow it. If you're open to making new friends, putting effort into conversation and you're interested in sharing experience.

I'm pretty much that type of person to make friends with you.

The Best

There are some people you meet in life who think that they have it the BEST way. "Oh, you must try this. Do this. Do that...but you want this, don't you?" People write books, write BLOGS, magazines >>>the ENTIRE media.

In yoga, over the past couple of months whilst my regular teacher has been on maternity, I've been taught by many different teachers and hence, taught different ways. I've been told to focus on different aspects. I've been assisted through various means.

What I realize now is that there is no BEST way. No ideal. There is, actually, only what works for you. Through trying you learn, "Practice, practice, practice" comes to mind.

Truly the only way to learn is to EXPERIENCE.

This morning, over fresh coffee and eggs I discussed men, friends and family and how for every individual these relationships are different. Who can say what is the perfect relationship? Perfection a subjective term. For me, it is my choice.Things are either perfect or a conscious effort of change must take place. Change is (after all) the ONLY constant of life.

This moment, sat writing this post can be perfect but it will undoubtedly not last, nor can is ever be recreated. I could take a photograph or write it down but that would only capture an essence of the perfection of the moment.

So can the same be said of feelings. I can feel wondrously happy and I may never be able to convey my joy so much that you can understand. Vice-versa if I was down.

In life, we feel, touch, taste...experience moments. We learn and we evolve.

We each make the best from that.

Baking a Cake

I remember when I first moved to London, I threw out a "Book of Dreams." It was literally called this. Inside there were life lists. These were lists of wishes and wants. They were sporadically written and ranged over years. They were never very descriptive - but they acted as simple reminders of important goals.

I threw out the book in disgust with myself that I could be so selfish. That I could be so driven by my own personal success. One of those big dreams must have been 'teacher'. But now I'm here. I'm it. And you know, mostly it doesn't feel like I'm living the dream...

During post practice discussion with my lovely shala friends this morning we discussed progression onto second series. I know it's inevitable for me soon and after the workshop on Sunday, I know that the postures are accessible to me. But putting my foot behind my head, back bending, balancing on my forearms etc alone are not going to be the ingredients in my life to bake sweet success, happiness, contentment, all that. It's just another stage. The next baby step to greater control of my physical body and mind.

The shift to second series will mean nothing. It will not be a life changing event when more postures are added to my practice (and it becomes longer and harder!). As I commented earlier this week in conversation, "Practice is a means to an end." There is no destination. It just helps. Asana helps me to focus my mind through channelling the energy in the movement of my body. Practice provides a constant challenge whilst helping me to bring a sense of peace and calm to my life. It serves as a seatbelt when the motions of life are turbulent. The same can be said for meditation.

To even begin to form an understanding of how to bring more sweet stuff to life, I believe you have to look beyond posture work and deep into the depths of your mind. There, is the beauty of yoga and living. And it's the best cake you've ever tasted.

Taking Baby Steps

"It's like taking baby steps."

That's how I described walking in Titibhasana at the second series workshop I took part in yesterday.

Sometimes, in life, you find yourself in these weird and wonderful positions and you shock yourself because you're actually able to move. To do something. To use some strength. Breathe. Momentarily anyway, until the burden on my thighs was too much and I wriggled out, suddenly reverting to that five year old that pops up when I find a posture uncomfortable. "Owwww, my thighs!"

In life too, uncomfortable situations arise. Do I take action, be brave and courageous? Or do I do nothing, sit back and hence, opt for an easy (nevertheless more frustrated) life?

In the case of Titibhasana, I gave it a go. I bound. I took baby steps, got into that uncomfortable place and I experienced the hurt.

I reckon I came off feeling stronger for taking that risk and doing something I never even dreamed of doing.

To you that thought you knew me, you don't.

I'm a firefly.

Dating and doing daily practice...

"So how do you meet people?"
"I don't really. I mean, I go out and meet my friends but it's hard. Course, I don't wana drink so much and I need my sleep"
"How do you get a boyfriend!?"
"Ummm..."

At this point, I was probably biting my lip. Eager to change the subject away from me but he was so curious about my lifestyle. He was one of the more interesting men I had met that night. He was open. He wasn't too interested in talking about himself *(he probably had a girlfriend) and he listened *(he was trying to work me out). But I felt no attraction. The same for all of them... I just had this feeling of greater awareness. This feeling of security. I know what I want and have a good understanding of myself.

I told him I meditated. This is me. It's your choice if you wana walk away...and I have that option too. As it happens, he went to the bar and didn't come back...but it was busy, maybe that was why. It doesn't matter either way.

*the inner critic

Blue Sky Ideas

pedestal |ˈpɛdɪst(ə)l|
noun
the base or support on which a statue, obelisk, or column is mounted.
• figurative a position in which one is greatly or uncritically admired : the heroes they have created and placed on pedestals.
• each of the two supports of a kneehole desk or table, typically containing drawers.
• the supporting column or base of a washbasin or toilet bowl.

I once took this word apart searching for it's meaning...I knew the same then. But I didn't really understand.

Here it is. A figurative position. An idealistic one. A blue sky idea...usually of a person.

I have known for a while that I have a tendency to put people of pedestals. I put them high in my regard and admire them. You shiny, brilliant, super human being. You are amazing. I think it's all part of my open-heartedness and innate wanting to see the very best in people. Undoubtedly, in the end said person shocks me and does/says something or just generally hurts my feelings and I see something darker than I ever imagined could be true.

I was a bit silly to put people on pedestals in the first place. Of course everyone has their good stuff but amongst that there is a bit of shit...and a history. Ooooh and there's motivation for behaviour. And that changes too. There's also everything we do that we don't mean, too. The times when we don't think. Man, I can think a dozen off the top of my head - why did i say that, contact that person, lose my temper, do that weird thing?! No point stressing over it now, it's done. Hopefully, we can understand we all make mistakes. And sometimes this is the only way we learn, no?

People I've put on pedestals have included friends, parents, men I've not known so well but I've idolized and fantasized about their perfection and teachers. I remember in high school, I admired my English teacher for her quirkiness, her unpredictability and charm. In school, as a teacher myself, the students can astonish me when a child I think I know displays some out of character behaviour. Suddenly, that child is different to how I thought. In my love life, I've given hours, months, years of my life(!) adoring...

What I value most now in people is honesty. No more rating people above the rest but I do admire honest, true...and unmotivated people. People who just enjoy me for me and life for the basic fundamentals, the simple things.

I wasted a lot of energy putting people of pedestals. Now I see how wrong I was. We're all super and in the end we all want the same thing: to feel loved and secure.

Mindless

I ACTUALLY wanted to scream "Fuuuuuuuuuuck!!" on my mat this morning. Frustration rrrrrrrooooar! It's hard when you want something so much and then things don't go to plan huh? On my first drop back attempt, I plummeted my head back and just touched the floor with it. I rocked to come up and nothing. I went back down... It was one of those mental moments, I huffed and I puffed and lay in balasana. You CAN do this I thought over and over.

The next THREE were good. All thanks to the new cover teacher (lovely Mel Cooper) at our shala who's taught me how to connect with my strength in back bends. She totally gets my body. I'm all flexibility and I need to engage more muscular/bandha control. Going down she's taught me to keep my chest lifted and legs straight for as long as possible and suddenly I've found my legs to come up, not my back (which I think i was using before). They feel totally grounded too...no running forward!

YAY MEL :)

Then today I was trying to explain to my colleague about how in the moment of dropping back and coming back up my mind just empties. It feels like such sweet relief. The rest of my practice, my mind can wander and I can keep trying to bring it back to my breath of course but in the moments of extreme concentration such as this there's only a body, sweating, breathing.

Now to relax into them...

Flow wherever is takes you

Open mic night. So much pain. So much confusion. So much consumption. So much communicated. I wish I could just turn off this analysis. This torturous decoding. Every breathe, every movement, every moment felt.

Sweating. Hot hot, pain. Lyrics go around around around. Breathe. Slow. Relax.

Concentrate.

Let go.

Release.

Sleep. And die.

Live again.

All is good

Sunshine

Friends

Getting along with family

Happy with work

Healthy

Loved up

Suddenly, I've thought, okay so I know I want and need more but I don't have any answers yet. But I'm sure I'll find them on this sunny road.

I'll turn right at Courage and carry on straight until I can't see Fear anymore.

Inhale

Exhale

Meow

Bending over backwards.

When I first started drop backs, I was a bit like WHEY HEY YAY!! I've battled with my hamstrings throughout the rest of Primary - the constant loosening and stiffening cycle, it was nice to begin something my back was naturally up for.

I think I've made every error with my drop back performance. The first time (or maybe the second) I tried landing on my own, I bumped my head. At that moment, it seemed only minor, more of an embarrassment should anyone have seen (which i knew they had!). I actually had a little swelling all day from the knock! Coming back up, i've dragged my body up every which way! Using my strength yes but often without enough power. Then there have been the times I've flown forward - up and running. I've yet to find my grace in this pose.

I've done a little analysis.

Back bending is often linked to the heart chakra. Here's a little more info on that. You see, I think my back bends totally seem to depict my approach to love and relationships. My heart is wide open - so much so that I sometimes get hurt. Not that that stops me from flinging myself into the same position over and over. Why? Because I enjoy the feeling. Umm, not being hurt but I certainly enjoy the rush. The ups and downs. The surge of blood. I feel alive amidst the essence of danger.

What I have realized though is that a bit of self-preservation can go a long way. So, I'm aiming for greater control in both back bending and in my emotional state. No more crashing, flinging, hoping for the best. I'm using what I know, my experience. I'm using my strength and my breath wisely. Yup, sure the latter might be a lifelong process as is the subtle refinement of practice.

Solitary Practice

I'm never afraid of being on my own. Rejection, yes. Being alone, no. This weekend I've come to Manchester alone. Alone and yet surrounded. Surrounded by love - old, dear friends, common ground, connection, the thick broad accents of the north and the slower pace of the streets. I've felt on holiday. Blissed out.

I'm sat watching this room dance as people politely eat breakfast and I observe. I observe as usual. I listen and learn.

I wonder what am I gona do next. What are gona be my next steps. Today and for the future. Part of me wants to up and leave -the country. New York perhaps. But then a part of me knows there's much more of London to embrace.

I know yoga has to be accounted for regardless. More time, more energy, more dedication to practice. It's weekend's like this on the New Moon when I can fully appreciate my practice. My life and all the major lessons I've learned -non-attachment, letting go, giving, honesty, respect, sitting, being still and BREATHING because everything passes like a breeze and you ARE alone but also totally and fundamentally the same as everyone else. Yoga and life IS a solitary practice. I realize that I don't need to be IN love, I don't even need to FEEL loved for as cliche as it sounds, I am love. Just as I write that a lady passes me and smiles.

I eat my muffin, sip my coffee and write. I channel my thoughts onto the pages of the waiter's pad. There is such a glorious mix of people in the room. Some Rastafarian-looking men (perhaps Reggae singers?), middle class families with objecting offspring, gay couples (if my rather lacking gaydar is correct!), Americans taking "muffins to go." And there's me. Surrounded by food. Picking at it all -saying a prayer my stomach can take it, this mid-morning assault of carbohydrate! But I feel like I'm sharing it with my waitress (Lianna), she and her colleagues are so attentive and sweet. I wonder how many 'alone girls' they get scribbling on waiter's pads stuffing their made-up faces?!

More juice.

The room suddenly goes quiet. Wow, I love it when that happens. The whole room just enjoyed a pause. And perhaps that's where I'll pause. Man, I am so full.